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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite partners to wedding?

219 replies

MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 14:55

I am getting married in a few months time. Now I am of a fairly advanced age, and to be quite honest up until now the whole idea of marriage has scared me. But I'm finally grown up enough and in a relationship where I want to take this step.
Anyway, because of this, I'm having a very small ceremony, very close friends and family only. There are a couple of very old friends I would like to invite,but not their partners. Because their partners aren't old, close friends. Although they are friends. But I don't want them to be part of my wedding ceremony! They would be invited to the party (which, incidentally is on the day after the wedding).
Is this really terrible? I haven't sent out invites yet so will abide by mumsnet decision!

OP posts:
natwebb79 · 06/01/2013 17:44

I didn't realise a wedding was a day to celebrate partnerships. I thought it was a day to celebrate the marriage of one particular couple. Silly me! :-/

SantasENormaSnob · 06/01/2013 17:44

We go out regularly on our own, with our seperate friends. Not just as a couple ffs Hmm

We also have couples who we describe both halves of as friends. We socialise with both of them.

Just because we've known one half longer doesn't mean we'd exclude the other. Especially as friendship is so very very important.

Totally different to being friends with one half of a couple and not the other.

Chunkymumma · 06/01/2013 17:45

YANBU. When I get married only parents, siblings (and s/bils), nephews and nieces will be invited. It's your wedding, invite who you want to - just don't be surprised if some friends are peed off and decline your invite though.

YouOldSlag · 06/01/2013 17:47

YABU.

It's like saying "Come and celebrate my happy union, but don't expect me to acknowledge YOUR partnership".

Also, it could affect friendships in the future. I would feel very snubbed if my DH of 6 years wasn't invited to a wedding with me.

manic if a wedding is so small that close friends can't bring partners, I would rethink it, quite frankly.

The only exceptions are:

  1. you've only just met your partner
  2. it's a work colleague the partner doesn't know and has never met and the guest is going with other work friends.
motherinferior · 06/01/2013 17:49

It's not not acknowledging their partnership. It's acknowledging the importance of these, very few, very old and specific friendships. It's not saying 'btw your DH is quite horrid and I've always got irritated by the way he eats' or anything. Just saying 'please come, as one of a very few people, to my low-key quiet wedding'. Just as you'd say 'please come to an evening out'.

Waitingforastartofall · 06/01/2013 17:50

I wouldn't go if we weren't invited as a couple, not because I do everything with dp but we would need to travel ect and I wouldn't want to be sat through ceremony, photos ect on own. I find it really odd that you would do that tbh but you know your friends. I'd be more inclined to if it didn't mean one of us travelling to get to ceremony then the other following after to reception. I would do one or the other but not partners at reception only

YouOldSlag · 06/01/2013 17:54

You're putting words in my mouth mother. A wedding is nothing like an evening out.

You can have an evening out anytime,but a wedding is a one off and a celebration of a union.

If a friend of mine did not invite my DH to her wedding, I think we would both be hurt.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 06/01/2013 17:55

If you want a very small ceremony, why don't you have family only, and then have a big fun party for all your friends afterwards.

I didn't invite my best friend's boyfriend to my wedding. But then she had neglected to inform me they had got back together Grin

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 06/01/2013 18:00

This thread is so weird! So many people who are frightened of going out on their own!

And what's all this bollocks about it not acknowledging other partnerships! Seriously what a load of pretentious crap!

What it comes down to is that if you want a small wedding then you will only invite those closest to you, otherwise you'll only be able to invite half your friends and have the other half of the guests there who mean nothing to you!

There is so much talk of small intimate ceremonies on mn so i do wonder how intimate they really are if some of the guests are just partners of the people you care about?

I find the idea of not going anywhere without a partner as pathetic! Whatever happened to retaining some independence!

I see the idea of retaining financial independence mentioned on here a lot as a sensible thing to do in case you split up but apparently never leaving the house without the other is perfectly reasonable.

I've met couples like that before and they are always the most boring with matching jumpers! Usually also the ones who will only socialize with other couples [yawn]

Op. You ask your friends what they think. Im sure they won't be as bonkers as some on here.

Busyoldfool · 06/01/2013 18:02

My DH's sister got married recently - also an older woman - and spoke to the partners quietly asking if they minded if she didn't invite other halves. Nobody did. It was a small wedding followed by dinner and she wanted it that way. No-one was offended - why would anyone be? My DH went and they had a lovely day.

motherinferior · 06/01/2013 18:03

I'm not 'putting words in your mouth'; I'm making a comparison, with which you don't agree. I do think you're puffing up this wedding into a Big Thing, which is clearly not what the OP wants. It will become a Big Thing if she's got to invite partners just because apparently that's what you do.

TheFallenMadonna · 06/01/2013 18:05

If it was a big do, I'd be a bit iffy about it perhaps, but a tiny do, with a really close friend? I would understand and wouldn't mind at all.

People are weird about weddings.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 18:05

I'm not in the least frightened of going out on my own. Nor, in the general run of things, do I care in the least what other people think about the institution of marriage - if they're not keen, fine.

But it is pretty hypocritical to be saying 'please celebrate my relationship! Oh, but I'm just too busy for yours!'

If a good friend told me he or she simply didn't have room for partners, I would probably say, don't worry, DH won't feel offended, I'll come alone. But I would be a bit miffed just to get an invitation addressed only to me.

I will admit that my personal experience is coloured by the fact that the only times I've been invited without DH have been when we were either engaged or living together, and the bride and groom had decided they were only invited 'married people'. This meant I spent two evenings where every single drunk letch in the room assumed I was single and wanted to be chatted up, while I kept repeating 'no, I'm sorry, I'm not interested ... yes, my partner is real, he's just not here ...'.

It was intensely annoying.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 18:05

(Btw, that is not a rant about the OP, who I think has been remarkably gracious.)

ArielThePiraticalMermaid · 06/01/2013 18:06

People are weird about weddings

By far the most accurate statement ever written on MN :)

YouOldSlag · 06/01/2013 18:07

*I find the idea of not going anywhere without a partner as pathetic! Whatever happened to retaining some independence!

I see the idea of retaining financial independence mentioned on here a lot as a sensible thing to do in case you split up but apparently never leaving the house without the other is perfectly reasonable.

I've met couples like that before and they are always the most boring with matching jumpers! Usually also the ones who will only socialize with other couples [yawn]*
----------

Well you've put 2 and 2 together and got 5 there.

For one thing, many people on this thread who are saying YABU are NOT 1950s housewives tied to their partner at all times. Nor are they anti feminist who can't go anyway unless hubby goes too.

Last year DH and I had a wedding invite. Only one of us could afford to go so he went without me. We socialise separately and occasionally go for weekends away without each other and with our own friends. I see him for a few hours in the evening and all weekend, so being apart for a few hours is by no means the issue for most couples!

However, I still think it's rude to only invite half a well established couple and it's fuck all to do with being clingy. You've completely got the reasons wrong. The matching jumpers bollocks is just you going off on a tangent.

StuntGirl · 06/01/2013 18:08

I would be a bit miffed if I didn't get an invite to a wedding my partner was invited to - as has happened several times - because I don't like the idea of missing out on a good party Grin But in all instances it has been a family only wedding and I haven't known the family members getting married so I haven't been bothered.

I was a little Hmm that the married couple who have been together for less time than me and my (unmarried) partner have been were invited together and we weren't but really, it's not the end of the world. I certainly wouldn't dream of turning down an invite just because my partner wasn't invited, now that would be rude!

HappyNewBleurgh · 06/01/2013 18:08

I also think it doesn't look good not to invite both. Don't you like the other halves in question?

There have been a few couples I've known over the years where one is great and the other I would prefer not socialise with given the choice, but imo they come as a couple and I would always acknowledge that out of politeness.

motherinferior · 06/01/2013 18:10

I think the day I start thinking of myself as 'half of a couple' is the day I will die a little inside. Mind you, this probably just shows that I should bog off out of all wedding discussion threads, doesn't it. Given my own recalcitrant refusal to comply with the suggestions I have a wedding of my own.

nkf · 06/01/2013 18:11

If I had a partner and his very very close old friend invited him to a wedding, I wouldn't give it a minute's thought. But if I was invited to a party the next day, I'd wonder what that was all about. Both or none I'd say.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 06/01/2013 18:11

But it is pretty hypocritical to be saying 'please celebrate my relationship! Oh, but I'm just too busy for yours!'

So you think that your partner not being invited to a wedding with you is going to result in your divorce or what?! Because that statement doesn't make the slightest bit of sense. How on earth is they wanting a small wedding hypocritical?! Seriously, what the fuck!

The bride and groom shouldn't have to invite people they are not close to or not be able to have their small intimate wedding and have a larger one instead, just so you can be protected from someone coming on to you.

The wedding is theirs and theirs alone and if they want a small intimate one with only those they are close to then that's what they should have.

GreenShadow · 06/01/2013 18:12

I have every sympathy OP.

Would love to be able to do this - why should I want people I don't really know at my special event, but unfortunately unless it is easy to do (can speak to people concerned/they are local/you know they would be happy with it and understand), then I would find it hard to do.

If my DH was invited to such a do at one of his old uni friends and it was all explained, I would be happy about it and understand the reasons. Appreciate it that most probably wouldn't agree.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

SantasENormaSnob · 06/01/2013 18:17

Yet again, the op has described both halfs of the couple as friends.

It's just they've known one of them longer.

Nothing to do with not knowing them or disliking them.

Both of which are a completely different scenario.

motherinferior · 06/01/2013 18:23

Perhaps she doesn't think of them as couples either, but as the perfectly nice but not madly close partners of her own old and dear friends? I really can't see what the problem is here.

Mosschopz · 06/01/2013 18:28

I think you've made your mind up so this is all a waste of time, but my cousin did this, it was embarrassing when I had to be 'put straight' by the groom's mum having initially assumed the invite was for both of us, and I declined. I would re-evaluate our friendship if I was your friend on the receiving end of this.