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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite partners to wedding?

219 replies

MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 14:55

I am getting married in a few months time. Now I am of a fairly advanced age, and to be quite honest up until now the whole idea of marriage has scared me. But I'm finally grown up enough and in a relationship where I want to take this step.
Anyway, because of this, I'm having a very small ceremony, very close friends and family only. There are a couple of very old friends I would like to invite,but not their partners. Because their partners aren't old, close friends. Although they are friends. But I don't want them to be part of my wedding ceremony! They would be invited to the party (which, incidentally is on the day after the wedding).
Is this really terrible? I haven't sent out invites yet so will abide by mumsnet decision!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 06/01/2013 15:16

YABU, bonkers, rude and very precious since you asked Grin

Oh and congratulations.

MrsMelons · 06/01/2013 15:16

You could always speak to them and explain why you only want to invite them and not their DPs, they may understand if they know you well enough although they may not

escape · 06/01/2013 15:16

At least you see sense :)
The only time I think this is acceptable is when it is work colleagues who have never met partners etc, or with family when it is a very new relationship etc - but def not old friends - btw - it isn't remotely usual for the best mans partner to sit at the top table with them in a traditional wedding set up, MaBumble

thegreylady · 06/01/2013 15:16

If you do that you may well lose some friends.I wouldn't go to a wedding if Dh wasnt invited.
YABVU

MaBumble · 06/01/2013 15:17

MrsLovely you seem to have taken all the YWBU on the chin , good for you :)

There's a thread around here somewhere Worst & Best weddings, - have a look, it worth it just to avoid some of the pitfalls.
Oh & I hope you have a wonderful day.

Viviennemary · 06/01/2013 15:17

I don't think it is really done not to invite partners to a wedding. I'd think it was a bit rude. So you should either not invite these people or include their partners.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 15:19

Well, that was the quickest acceptance of being unreasonable I've ever seen! Grin

Congratulations, I'm sure you'll have a lovely time.

JenaiMorris · 06/01/2013 15:22

I've been to weddings without my partner - the B&Gs didn't really know him and they were limited on numbers. I'd rather be invited than not, iykwim.

SirBoobAlot · 06/01/2013 15:22

YABU, rude, and rather mad.

HildaOgden · 06/01/2013 15:24

If you really do want to have the wedding this way (and it's your wedding,nothing wrong with wanting to do it your way),I'd actually speak to your old friends first and ask their opinion.

If it's typical 'you',your friends might well be ok with it...and in turn they will sell it to their partners as a good idea.(the partners might be happy too,you never know,it might suit them not to have a day off work etc).

Just don't let them find out by an invitation in the post,it would seem so cold and impersonal (and rude!!!).Say it to them directly,let them know it's not because you dislike the partners,it's because it's just 'you being you'.

MaBumble · 06/01/2013 15:25

Escape - even if all the bridesmaids etc, partners are up there too? Id it was just the wedding party I would understand. Apparently I was supposed to be sat there too, but someone turned up who had already declined invite, so I got bumped.
To be honest I wasn't too fussed, my hubby was though (final straw thing I think)

LaCiccolina · 06/01/2013 15:27

Mrs lovely, a little reverse reading:

May I invite u to my wedding? (For this purpose...) we have been friends for years! Can't wait to see the outfit u will buy, the present u will get us and of course see u at my hen. However ur dp can only come to the evening. Ur fab but he's a bit meh really... And I'm feeling tight so whilst I want to share such a fab day with u I'm less keen on him.

Can't wait to see u at the venue!

Would u go????

Original poster
MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 15:29

I bow to the superior knowledge of etiquette on mumsnet, especially as I've only been to a handful of weddings myself!

At least I won't have to have extra invitations made!

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 06/01/2013 15:30

My cousin didn't invite my husband to their wedding. Not sure why he wasn't included, but I'd have felt odd to go without him so I declined the invitation and didn't mention anything about it to DH in case it upset him. He assumed we simply weren't invited.

It seemed a mean thing to do and it's impossible not to feel insulted by such a slight, so YABU.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 15:31

It may be that, if they know it's a very small, intimate party, the partners will not choose to come anyway. But it makes a big difference to be invited!

ZillionChocolate · 06/01/2013 15:33

If it was a wedding with 10 people at the ceremony I wouldn't be offended. If there were 50 there, I might be a bit upset. You can't do it without warning your friends and explaining in advance. It looks like there's a fair chance you'll upset people even if you do.

SaraBellumHertz · 06/01/2013 15:33

Ordinarily I would say spectacularly rude BUT since your reception is the following day and all your invitees live close to the venue I don't see it as totally offensive although perhaps a bit bizarre to ask a select few friends to come down to the church/ registry office for an hour on a Saturday morning and then all attend for the party the following day.

How many people are you intending to have at the ceremony? If it's less than 20 you might get away with it Smile

SantasENormaSnob · 06/01/2013 15:34

I think it's worse as you say you class these partners as friends themselves, yet it's only their spouses invited as they are closer friends.

escape · 06/01/2013 15:35

Mabumble Totally diff then! Not remotely usual to have partners there too, but then what's usual any more? :)

EuroShagmore · 06/01/2013 15:35

I don't think it is a complete no no if it is a local wedding and you explain to them what you are doing and why, but it is unusual. I've been invited to and been to a wedding of a work mate without my husband, but on most occasions partners have been invited.

Mabumble I don't think that is particularly unusual when your partner is part of the wedding party. It has happened to us once. My husband actually had the better of it - he was on a table with our friends, having a blast. As maid of honour, I was on the top table between the groom's mother and some male relative, trying to make small talk for the duration of a loooooong wedding breakfast.

Original poster
MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 15:38

There are about twenty (that's including my own and some other children).

This is not a 'come to my wedding, bring me presents but your partner can sod off' type thing, honest!

There are no presents, no hen do, just a quiet ceremony. To be honest I'd be happy to invite no one but I know that would disappoint some important people in my life so I just want the very most important people there. I'm not completely bonkers. Maybe just a little bit!

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 06/01/2013 15:38

It's odd, sorry. I understand you want a small wedding, but when people are in long term committed relationships they kind of come as a package.

A friend of this had it happen to her, and she said 'if DH isn't welcome then I am not coming either.'

FellatioNelson · 06/01/2013 15:39

that should have said: a friend of mine had this happen to her.

NamingOfParts · 06/01/2013 15:41

On the idea of the wedding traditions I thought that it was customary for the best man to be a single friend of the groom. His job was to help the groom dress etc and also make sure the dowry got paid! The best man was one of the groom's friends not necessarily his best friend.

sittinginthesun · 06/01/2013 15:42

MrLovely - part of the fun of weddings, is that you invite your friends and their partners to celebrate your marriage.

I understand that you really want your close friends, but one of the reasons for inviting partners, is that you are looking forwards. Their lives are moving forwards, your life is moving forwards, and so it is crucial that you invite them as couples, IMO, as this reflects this. Otherwise, it would just be artificial!

Relax, and enjoy. Smile