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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite partners to wedding?

219 replies

MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 14:55

I am getting married in a few months time. Now I am of a fairly advanced age, and to be quite honest up until now the whole idea of marriage has scared me. But I'm finally grown up enough and in a relationship where I want to take this step.
Anyway, because of this, I'm having a very small ceremony, very close friends and family only. There are a couple of very old friends I would like to invite,but not their partners. Because their partners aren't old, close friends. Although they are friends. But I don't want them to be part of my wedding ceremony! They would be invited to the party (which, incidentally is on the day after the wedding).
Is this really terrible? I haven't sent out invites yet so will abide by mumsnet decision!

OP posts:
venusandmars · 06/01/2013 19:19

When we planned our wedding we wanted it as small as possible, so just us and 2 witnesses (who were delighted to be involved and were fine about coming without their partners) - Ceremony followed by lunch, no fuss. Then 3 other longstanding and close friends said they really, really wanted to come to the ceremony. OK. And then it turned out that they were bringing their husbands / partners. So then the 2 witnesses wanted to bring their partners (who we had known longer and were closer to). Then our siblings - who had been fine about not coming initially - took the view that if 10 of our friends were going to be there then it wasn't right that they weren't invited. With spouses / partners. And one of them with their children (travel / childminding difficulties). And then an aunt who thought she should 'represent' my mother.

Our tiny intimate ceremony and lunch for 4 looked like turning into a wedding party for 25, which was what we were trying to avoid in the first place.

We went back to our original plan and were married very quietly. It was becoming impossible to keep everyone happy, so we did what dp and I really wanted.

TheFallenMadonna · 06/01/2013 19:20

I think a BIL is a but different. I know my BIL for a start...

greenfolder · 06/01/2013 19:24

I think that you are being totally and utterly reasonable Grin

A note to say that all invited to the party but the very small ceremony will be the day before. You have very limited numbers but would love it if Ann could attend the ceremony as one of your oldest friends.

If they are local, how could that be a problem????????

gimmecakeandcandy · 06/01/2013 19:26

I don't know really - I think you need to do what you want, just word it carefully - greenfolder has said it very well in her post. Let us know!

MamaChocoholic · 06/01/2013 19:34

we did this, small ceremony, party next day, but invited partners to both. as someone said upthread, you would be inviting people to celebrate your relationship whilst ignoring theirs.

NamingOfParts · 06/01/2013 19:35

JustAHolyFool - most people are capable of going an afternoon without their partner. However, it seems a bit odd to deliberately structure an important event in a way that potentially lessens the enjoyment the guests for reasons which seem to be purely symbolic.

Ultimately it is up to the B&G who they invite but they have to accept that some people will be happier about it than others.

As the OP has said, she has been to very few weddings so possibly cant see the problem. However there is a risk that by not inviting partners the OP may find that people decline though wont necessarily say why.

MamaChocoholic · 06/01/2013 19:35

we did this, small ceremony, party next day, but invited partners to both. as someone said upthread, you would be inviting people to celebrate your relationship whilst ignoring theirs.

2rebecca · 06/01/2013 19:41

I'd be happy with this if it was a loccal wedding as my husband (I presume by partners you mean spouses as well) could then do his own thing. If we had to travel somewhere for the weekend then we wouldn't come, if I had my kids that weekend and they weren't invited I wouldn't come either.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe · 06/01/2013 19:50

If it is a small wedding - then it is fine - id speak to the people involved.

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 20:01

NamingOfParts I don't see what is "symbolic" about wanting a small wedding.

venusandmars your post is exactly why I would prefer to just have a tiny wedding. It's like no-one can BARE to be left out of anything. So weird. When did everything become like this, where everything is loaded with so much meaning? I'm pretty sure that about 10 people went to my grandparents' wedding and that no-one else sat around crying that they hadn't been invited.

People need to wise up and stop being so needy.

Original poster
MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 20:15

Someone suggested upthread that I could stick to family, but I only have my mum! Apart from my children, the other people I would like to invite are the ones who fall into the oldest, been there through it all, understand the significance of what I'm doing kind of thing.

But there is a distinct possibility that I am being a bit precious about it!

OP posts:
NamingOfParts · 06/01/2013 20:19

Nothing wrong with a small wedding just a bit odd to invite the top tier friends but leave out their second tier partners. It can be perceived as a slight whether intended or not.

It is up to the B&G who they invite but some people may decline as is their choice.

NamingOfParts · 06/01/2013 20:25

MrsLovely - You are never going to get a consensus on MN - mind if you want a real bunfight ask if it is okay to put the gift list (with a poem about asking for money) in with the invitations (whoever you choose to invite in the end!).

You know your friends, the rest of us dont.

SarahWarahWoo · 06/01/2013 20:27

I didn't invite 2 partners to our wedding last year, one because of his behaviour after a drink (calls people bad names and rants about Catholics/Jews/bankers/anyone) the other because he is a cheating low life. In both cases we said it was "due to limited numbers". It wasn't, we had strong concerns about both of them being there, if you haven't about your friends partners and can easily fit/afford to have them then do rather than upset your dear friends, they will enjoy it more if their beloved is there.

Congratulations on your forthcoming nuptials

Original poster
MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 20:28

namingofparts ha ha, luckily we don't want any presents!

OP posts:
ChaoticintheNewYear · 06/01/2013 21:18

Invite who you want but be prepared to have people decline.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 06/01/2013 21:28

On the day you will be very focused on you and your partner. If I had to wager I don't think that unless one of the partners is very badly behaved for some reason ( which you haven't mentioned so I guess isn't a factor) it would end up making ... Well very much of an impact on your day. I know it's possibly hard to see this now. If your friends would understand I actually don't think it's the big deal that some people on here have suggested though. But of there Isolde of a chance that the partners who you are excluding consider themselves equally close to you as their partners and might be surprised and hurt you don't feel the same I think I would probably go with the convention so to speak and just include.

ifancyashandy · 06/01/2013 21:33

teacherandguide why would you not stay overnight on your own? Genuinely curious? What do you think single people do in these circs? (Actually, last question goes to all 'I wouldn't go on my own' posters)

Ps: answer? We mingle and talk to lots of new and interesting people and become the life and soul of the party as a result

ravenAK · 06/01/2013 21:38

Going against the trend, but I'd be absolutely fine with it.

In fact I was quite surprised that one of dh's oldest friends had a minor huff because we RSVP'd to his wedding invite that dh would be able to attend but I wouldn't (childless wedding 200 miles away, we have 3 small dc).

I was honestly bewildered as to why this bloke I've met maybe 6 times would be thinking anything but 'great, if raven can't make it I can squeeze another actual friend of mine in instead!'.

But people are weird about weddings, definitely.

PureQuintessence · 06/01/2013 21:40

It is very bad form.

It is like saying MY relationship is important - look at me I am getting married, and YOUR relationship is nothing.

It is rude to celebrate YOUR union and ignore your friends union.

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 21:53

What the hell PureQuniessence ?

It's not like saying that. It's like saying "I want a small wedding". That is all it's like saying.

Why is it only bad not to invite partners to weddings? Why does no-one go "oh my God, I can't believe you only invited me to your afternoon tea? How DARE you not respect my entirely blessed union which is statistically likely to end in divorce and hatred ?"

Lueji · 06/01/2013 21:54

Actually, what about your future DH?

Is he inviting partners of friends?
Or only family?

And yes, I think you are being a bit precious about the ceremony.

Your friends' partners may not be so close now, but they are friends and possibly just as close and reliable in the future if you don't snub them now.

Having them there won't spoil the ceremony, whereas not having might.

tink123 · 06/01/2013 21:56

YANBU. My friend did this for her wedding and not one friend pulled out because their DP and DH could not attend. It's your wedding, your day and your choice. (Of course your DH to be has a say too)

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 21:56

Lueji I don't think I'd want to be friends with anyone who has the mentality that "well, we can't be friends ever, because she didn't invite me to her wedding."

The world is truly divided into those who this would piss off and those it wouldn't.

PureQuintessence · 06/01/2013 21:56

Really no need to swear at me, Fool. Hmm
I just gave my opinion. The op asked for opinions, I gave mine. That ok with you?