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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite partners to wedding?

219 replies

MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 14:55

I am getting married in a few months time. Now I am of a fairly advanced age, and to be quite honest up until now the whole idea of marriage has scared me. But I'm finally grown up enough and in a relationship where I want to take this step.
Anyway, because of this, I'm having a very small ceremony, very close friends and family only. There are a couple of very old friends I would like to invite,but not their partners. Because their partners aren't old, close friends. Although they are friends. But I don't want them to be part of my wedding ceremony! They would be invited to the party (which, incidentally is on the day after the wedding).
Is this really terrible? I haven't sent out invites yet so will abide by mumsnet decision!

OP posts:
inkyfingers · 06/01/2013 16:49

It's not clear why the ceremony is so private that you'd want them excluded. Do you have to pay for them to attend, will they misbehave?

CloudsAndTrees · 06/01/2013 16:59

YABVU

You cannot expect people to want to celebrate your relationship if you don't have any respect for theirs.

I wouldn't go to a wedding where my DH wasn't invited, and I certainly wouldn't consider myself close friends with someone who didn't invite my husband to their wedding,

Cherriesarelovely · 06/01/2013 17:01

I don't think you are bonkers at all OP. Bearing in mind the fact that you have explained that the ceremony is going to be very small and low key so in fact very few people are invited. However, if you have known people and their partners for a long time then it would be rude. I do sympathise though, at our Civil Partnership ceremony DP invited some colleagues from her work whose partners
neither of us had met. They looked uncomfortable and bored and I felt weird having them at our most special day when I'd never met them!

natwebb79 · 06/01/2013 17:04

I really don't understand why people get so stroppy about this kind of thing where weddings are concerned. In my opinion it's up to the bride and groom who they invite so if my partner was invited and I wasn't I would just assume there was a strict number limit. I certainly wouldn't hold it against them for life! I do realise, however, that the majority seem to get offended (which is why we're getting married with two witnesses in a registry office and having a party for everyone the week after!). Congratulations and I hope you don't get pressured into having your wedding any other way that the way you want it.

Cherriesarelovely · 06/01/2013 17:05

Good idea natwebb congratulations!

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 17:06

Really CloudsAndTrees ? Do you really think that by not inviting your husband, your friend would be disrespecting your marriage?

I find that really odd. It's really no different to your husband not being invited to a night out, or a party, or a brunch? Do you have to be invited everywhere together, or is it just weddings that are special?

I'm not being sarcy, I am genuinely perplexed by this notion that, on a special day, everyone's partners have to be there too.

zlist WHY would you hate to be invited to a wedding without your partner? I just don't get it at all. I went to my best friend's wedding without my partner, my partner recently went to a wedding without me. They were both small weddings with just family and a few close friends. I don't see why my partner has to hang around to see someone he knows but isn't close to say "I do".

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 17:07

natwebb if this is how stroppy people get if you don't invite their partner, I think that's the perfect solution for me too.

idococktailshedoesbeer · 06/01/2013 17:09

Judging by the differences in opinion here I think it depends on your friends, so have a chat with them and suss out the situation.

Have to say I don't understand people who wouldn't go to any wedding if their partner wasn't invited. I'd go to one without my DP and he'd go to one without me. I'm capable of enjoying myself without him and vice versa!

Eeebygum · 06/01/2013 17:11

Well said JustAHolyFool.

Cherriesarelovely · 06/01/2013 17:15

I agree, I think it can actually be uncomfortable for a partner if they don't know the couple .

shotofexpresso · 06/01/2013 17:16

I'm not mainly because we don't have room, unless they are like members or family etc.
If anyone gets arsy about I'll be like 'look we don't have the room or the budget for 100 people and their gf/bf's.'

just be honest.

Original poster
MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 17:19

Well I'm highly disappointed there's no consensus of opinion!

Maybe having a little chat with the people concerned would be a good idea.

I just don't want them to agree to my face and then be a bit upset afterwards.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 06/01/2013 17:21

I'm boggling at the people who wouldn't go to a wedding without their partners too.

FWIW I think it's a rather nice way of celebrating your friendship with them that you are inviting them, just your closest and oldest friends, to your wedding. But then I tend to think friendships are as - or possibly more - important as couple relationships anyway.

nokidshere · 06/01/2013 17:21

oh dear! I don't think you are being unreasonable but perhaps thats because I did the same with my wedding!

I invited my 5 sisters but not their children or their husbands - all of whom I am very close to but they would have made my wedding huge and I didn't want that.

No-one complained, everyone came and we had a lovely time.

Its your wedding and I wouldn't be offended in the least - my DH would be totally happy for me to go to a wedding even if he wasn't invited.

MrsMelons · 06/01/2013 17:21

Well at least you know you are not completely unreasonable then Grin

I definitely agree you should speak to them - if they are all in the same circle of friends then you could suggest they come together. My friends were more than happy to do this and I really don't think they were upset behind my back.

MrsMelons · 06/01/2013 17:22

Fwiw I would go without DH depending on the circumstances if it was a case that in general OH's weren't invited if not close friend/family.

PaellaUmbrella · 06/01/2013 17:23

YABVU. I wouldn't go to a wedding if my DH wasn't invited, regardless of whether they knew him or not. I think you run a very real risk of upsetting people.

motherinferior · 06/01/2013 17:23

If my friend A rang me up and said 'I'm getting married, and I just want my oldest mates there' I would be chuffed as a chuffed thing that she felt that way about me.

And DP, who is deeply fond of A too but has only known her 12 years as opposed to my 30 Shock would be v happy for her too.

thebody · 06/01/2013 17:29

My dh would jump for joy as he's a miserable sod who hates most social occasions ha ha.

However you do run risk of hurting your friends so is it worth it??

SantasENormaSnob · 06/01/2013 17:29

Have people read the same op as me? Hmm

The bit where she says the partners are friends too.

Do you socialise with these people as couples? Or do you just see one half of the couple?

We regularly see our friends and socialise as couples. I absolutely cannot imagine excluding one of them because I hadn't known them as long. I don't think I'd be able to face them afterwards.

I would have no issue at all with no partners of colleagues or partners you haven't met.

But you are describing these as friends.

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 17:30

But Paella WHY? WHY WHY WHY? No-one seems to be able to say WHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I truly don't understand. It wouldn't even cross my mind to be offended if someone invited me and not my partner or my partner and not me.

motherinferior · 06/01/2013 17:35

Yes, I did read the bit about how their partners are too. But this isn't Noah's Ark, ffs, you don't have to do everything as a (shudder) couple. See my own post above.

Snog · 06/01/2013 17:35

It's a day to celebrate partnerships and so it's very weird to ask your friends to celebrate yours whilst not acknowedging theirs imo

motherinferior · 06/01/2013 17:36

I'm not 'half of a couple'. I am a person. With my own friends. Some of whom are also friends with my partner. Some of them aren't. I like this mix. He has friends I like hugely and friends I would rather not waste hours of my life seeing. This is, in my universe, normal. I like it this way. Friendship is terribly, terribly important.

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 17:43

I have missed why you don't want your "oldest friends" husbands/partners at your wedding.

Your user name raised a wry laugh.