Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite partners to wedding?

219 replies

MrsLovely · 06/01/2013 14:55

I am getting married in a few months time. Now I am of a fairly advanced age, and to be quite honest up until now the whole idea of marriage has scared me. But I'm finally grown up enough and in a relationship where I want to take this step.
Anyway, because of this, I'm having a very small ceremony, very close friends and family only. There are a couple of very old friends I would like to invite,but not their partners. Because their partners aren't old, close friends. Although they are friends. But I don't want them to be part of my wedding ceremony! They would be invited to the party (which, incidentally is on the day after the wedding).
Is this really terrible? I haven't sent out invites yet so will abide by mumsnet decision!

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 06/01/2013 18:29

She described them as friends in the op. "their partners aren't old, close friends. Although they are friends"

Think that may be clouding the issue tbh.

Had she said they were just partners of her dear friends then that changes things completely.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 18:33

fuck - erm, no? How on earth did you get from what I said to divorce?

I am simply saying, I think in a context where marriage is the central focus of the day, it is more unusual not to acknowledge other people's.

I like my DH - that's why we're married. I don't particularly mind him not being around for all sorts of events, and I don't mind other people not liking him. But there's tactful and less tactful ways of thinking about it. Sending an invitation out without his name out doesn't seem massively tactful to me.

But then, I don't like the bridezilla idea that the wedding is 'theirs and theirs alone'. It's not: if it were, you'd not need witnesses or a celebrant, and you wouldn't choose to invite anyone.

A wedding is a social gesture, not a purely private one.

As I said before, my views on this are very much coloured by my real-life experiences.

CloudsAndTrees · 06/01/2013 18:33

To people that seem to think that if you don't want to go to a wedding without your spouse then you are being pathetic or needy, or must not ever go out on your own, you are missing the point completely.

The point is that this is a wedding.

It's about celebrating marriage, and love and togetherness and commitment.

I don't want to celebrate those things without the person I love, and married, and am committed too. It just doesn't make sense to me. I'd really miss my DH while watching something as lovely and romantic as a wedding. My close friends weddings are special to me, and I'd want to share that with the person I'm married too.

There's noting wrong with that. Wedding invitations are just that, an invitation, not a summons. I wouldn't enjoy a wedding anywhere near as much without my husband, so I would choose not to go. That doesn't mean I won't go to other things without him, we do plenty of things separately. Just not things that are about marriage.

BookFairy · 06/01/2013 18:36

Hold on. Isn't the OP having a party the next day, to which friends plus partners are invited to? The only issue is the small ceremony.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/01/2013 18:37

I'd be absolutely fine with this provided it was local, DH could look after the DCs for the day (I prefer going to weddings without them anyway) and join us later.

teacherandguideleader · 06/01/2013 18:38

I went to a wedding once where some partners (mine included) were not invited. Before I went I was of the opinion 'her wedding, her choice'. However, I quickly changed my mind. There were of course other people at the wedding I knew (only enough to count on one hand though). There were long parts of the day where I felt I was just sitting around as a spare part - the hours between the ceremony and dinner dragged sooooo much, whereas if my partner had have been invited it would have been a much more pleasant experience. There were also 'coupley' parts to the evening - such as the dances which I felt completely excluded from.

The wedding was a long way from home, but I was not going to stay overnight on my own, whereas if my partner had been invited we would have had a weekend away. It also meant I had to drive home so could not drink (my friend got very upset that I wasn't staying over and would be driving so could not drink).

If I got another invite where my partner was excluded, I would not go.

squeakytoy · 06/01/2013 18:38

I wonder how the OP would feel if people declined her wedding invitation because even though they had known her years, they decided the groom was someone they hadnt known that long?

I could understand not inviting the partners of work colleagues to your wedding reception, but certainly not the partners of longstanding close friends.

Lueji · 06/01/2013 18:39

I would think it is odd.
Wedding ceremonies are public events and anyone can show up even if not invited.
It's usually party guests that are limited.

I would understand if it was something like parents, siblings and very close friends only.
But not if you are having 20 guests, then it's not that small.

Would you be happy for your future H to be excluded from your close friends' functions?

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 06/01/2013 18:40

I see a wedding as being about the joining of the two people getting married, not about celebrating marriage in general. So if those getting married want to keep it personal and just invite those that they are the closest to then they should be able to. Its only an insult to your marriage if you chose to take it that way. Its only a social event if the bride and groom chose it to be, otherwise its two people with their favourite people around them.

What a nightmare! Having to invite people you are not close to because its expected and some take it as a personal insult if you don't invite their partner.

Lrd. I got to that because you said that if the bride and groom didn't invite your partner then that would mean they didn't care about your marriage or relationship.

motherinferior · 06/01/2013 18:41

I really think this is getting out of hand. The OP wants - v reasonably IMO - to have a very small wedding, to which a couple of her oldest friends are invited. She's having a bigger party the next day. Now lots of people are saying how sad it would make them to have to go to a wedding without their own partners...frankly, OP, I'd ring up your mates and ask them what they think. With any luck, they'll totally see your point. I know my DP would, if you were my mate.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 06/01/2013 18:42

20 is small! Two sets of parents, siblings, your own children . . . you can make up 20 easily.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 06/01/2013 18:45

I agree motherinferior.

You hear of bridezillas, what about guestzillas!

You can't make everyone happy because there is always someone with a chip on their shoulder or their idea of what a wedding should be like or who you should invite, according to them. So you might as well just do what you want.

I bet your friends will be fine with it.

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 18:50

Stuntgirl - maybe for the couple it was about the relationship and not the length of time you had been together. The other couple were married, you weren't so no invite for you.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 06/01/2013 18:53

fuck - I don't follow. Divorce has nothing to do with what my mates think of my marriage. I've already said that I don't generally care what anyone thinks - it's their business.

It's just I think that if you're going to invite someone to your wedding, it is probably best to sound them out gently about partners.

I don't see why this is a huge issue - the OP asked opinions, very quickly decided to go with the first few replies, and doesn't seem bothered. It's not as if the only options are 'don't invite partners - world falls into sea' and 'invite partners - wedding crumbles into dust'. There are a load of possible polite compromises in between.

I'm just suggesting it might be nice to use one of them.

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 18:55

Oh see, I obviously missed the announcement about marriage being a celebration of all partnerships ever.

What the hell? That is MAD. A wedding is about the couple in question in my opinion.

vj32 · 06/01/2013 19:01

I would do it your way, just make sure you ring each individual explain to them that you are having a very small ceremony and for that reason the invite is just for them.

I had a rule at my wedding that no-one was coming (at least to the ceremony and day bit!) who I didn't know, so that I didn't look back in 30 years and not know who they were. So regardless of if a couple had been together for ages, if I didn't know them, they didn't come.

NamingOfParts · 06/01/2013 19:03

Ultimately you can do what you like and invite who you like but the problem is that people will read many things into the invitation no matter what you say or they say to you. Some people will be fine about not having their partner invited. Others wont, though they may plaster on a smile, they may feel that a snub has been implied.

It isnt pathetic to prefer to go to things with your partner/husband/wife. That is part of why you are with them rather than simply take in lodgers.

DewDr0p · 06/01/2013 19:03

I'd sound out your friends quietly OP. I think it partly depends how many friends you are inviting. If it's a case of immediate family plus a couple of exceptionally close friends (and it's local) then I should think it would be a real honour to be included. If you're inviting lots of pals then I'd assume you disliked my dh Grin

pageturner · 06/01/2013 19:05

My brother did this, invited me but not my DH to his wedding. It caused a massive rift that still isn't healed 6 years later.

Interestingly, though, when I started a thread about it I was told to get over myself. Maybe times change...

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 19:08

I can't believe you'd fall out with your brother over his wishes about one day which is all about him.

I just find it baffling. Couldn't be arsed with the drama.

JustAHolyFool · 06/01/2013 19:09

NamingOfParts of course I prefer doing stuff with my partner, he is my best friend and my favourite person. That's why he's my partner.

But I am capable of going an entire afternoon without him.

MrsMelons · 06/01/2013 19:11

Page people actually said that, your own brother didn't invite your husband to his wedding and people thought that was ok. MN can be a very odd place at times.

I would be happy to go anywhere without DH if it is the right situation but I can guarantee that there would still be a rift in my family if my brother did that!

YouOldSlag · 06/01/2013 19:15

Page, if you wrote that thread today I'd be saying YANBU! If my brother didn't invite my DH to his wedding I'd be really pissed off! My Mum got married 15 years ago and didn't invite me or my siblings. Although we all get on, it still rankles!

MrsKeithRichards · 06/01/2013 19:18

A good friend of mine done this and it was a bit shit to be honest because she couldn't just do a blanket no part ers because people were travelling or others wouldn't know anyone else. My dh was quite hurt really, he'd known her for as long as he's known me.

greenfolder · 06/01/2013 19:19

I think that you are being totally and utterly reasonable Grin

A note to say that all invited to the party but the very small ceremony will be the day before. You have very limited numbers but would love it if Ann could attend the ceremony as one of your oldest friends.

If they are local, how could that be a problem????????