not to go to wedding - long sorry

[sidandlinus]

Will try not to drip feed.

Very briefly I am step mother to four adult children. I have been with their dad for nearly 20 years. DH and I have one DD aged 15.

The DSC lived with us while they were growing up and are now in their late 20s/early 30s. Their DM left their DF before I met him.

We raised all 4 DCs and saw them through uni, marriage, grandchildren etc.. The DSC's mother died several years ago. All 4 DSC live in the UK and are happy and well adjusted. They are lovely and we have a strong relationship. They are kind and considerate towards their youngest sibling (our DD) and even though things have been "unconventional" we are a good family unit.

Skip to present - DD, DH and I now live abroad. Youngest DSS announced recently that he has got engaged to his long-term partner. They have a house together and are very happy. We are delighted for them. DSS said the wedding would be in 2014.

Received FB message to close family two days ago (to me, DH and siblings) saying they had decided to bring wedding forward to this August. Showed link to venue (lovely) and included other details. Everyone else seems very excited about it. Venue is in "holiday" area in UK so other DSC are rightly thinking of a combined wedding followed by holiday in the region.

However, and it's a big one! My DD has already booked and paid for a one week event that she is really looking forward to. It has cost us over £600 and is only on one week (ie: no choice as to change dates). DD told her DB this and he has sadly accepted that she can't attend and for her not to feel bad about it.

So far so good. However the week holiday for DD is over 400 miles away from our family home. She is independent and can get the train there (with our help to get to station etc..). However I am not comfortable leaving the country whilst she is away for this week. I know that it is unlikely that anything bad will happen but I am not comfortable being at least two days drive away from home (and another day from her) should something happen.

DSS is very upset that I said I will not attend the wedding - although his DF will of course. He is looking at changing the date but says the only other date available will mean they can't have a honeymoon. DH and I have both said that they should put themselves first and stick with the date they want. DSS has asked me to think about it - has mentioned that my DM could be "emergency contact" for my DD. However my DM is 70 and would not be able to drive to DD's holiday venue on her own (it's an eight hour drive). Although she is in good health her driving is a bit erratic and at present she is getting treatment for cataracts - so I would not feel happy with this option.

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable leaving DD in another country (even though I know she'll have a great time and nothing bad will happen)?

Assuming your DD was going alone, is there no one else you could ask to be emergency contact? A friend's parents, or your own friends in conjunction with your mum? So if anything happened these people could handle all the practicalities and both they and your mum would be there to be a friendly face etc?

Find an emergency contact you are happy about.
One of her friend's parents?

I'm sorry for this astoundingly useless post but how strange - I was a 2014 wedding and just rebooked for this August!

Is there anyone else in your country who could be trusted to sort DD in an emergency? Is it easy enough to get flights home?

Oh, you sound very considerate.
I don't know really what to suggest but if you are uncomfortable leaving your dd (Whois still a child) then you can't go. I think you have to trust your instincts. What does your dh say?

Yanbu by being uncomfortable leaving dd in another country but Yabu using this as a reason not to go. I would be quite hurt if I was your dss. Could a friend not be an emergency contact? Realistically if something bad was to happen could you not get a flight over quite quickly? I think you have to put things in perspective and realise the chances of your dd needing you are slim and it is important to dss and probably the rest of your family that you attend.

Are there other options for reaching your DD, in the event that you need to? You mentioned her being two days drive away. Could you fly, from the wedding venue in the UK, to close to where she will be? It may be expensive but it's also unlikely to be an option you have to exercise.
Just knowing you have better options to get to her might make you feel better about going.

Alternatively, could you go just to the wedding. So be away for no more than 24 hours? Fly in morning of wedding and return that night or first thing the next day? Your DH could stay for the week as planned but you just be there for the ceremony and meal.

It's not a case of finding another emergency contact, it's wanting to be there for her child. No emergency contact is going to be the same as that so this is the "barrier" that needs to be overcome.

and asking a trusted family friend in conjunction with the GM to step in may be the way to overcome the barrier

You can keep your to yourself, thanks.

I think you are bu.

There are things you can do to put your mind at rest, like speaking to your dd every day.

I think it would be daft to sit at home 'just in case' while missing your stepson's wedding. You have brought him up, his own mother has passed away, and I would say your presense is required.

Why do you always come on threads looking to point out why everyone else is so stupid? I've noticed it more and more recently

Oh do get a grip.

Sorry, not the time or the place, just forget it. But when we have all come on and given constructive advice and get told that we're missing the point it does rather feel like being told off by a grown u[p. Gah.

case rests

OP do you want to go to your stepson's wedding? if your DD wasn't going away I mean? (genuine question)

I was offering a different opinion FFS.

You're effectively having to choose between two of your children. One is still a child, the other an adult. I'm not sure I'd leave a 15yo "home" alone to fly abroad for a week no matter how well occupied they were. Why did your DSS not check with you before booking if it's so important to him?

You're the one who started with the rudeness, SPB.

OK fine. But you obviously think it highly unlikely that formally asking another trusted family friend to step up and be the emergency contact will set the OP's mind at rest. Is there a reason for that?

I think that's it for me and MN for a while. Thanks for that.

I do think that if you book an August wedding in Jan without checking with your nearest and dearest first you take the chance that some of them will have other plans in place already especially when there are school aged children involved. I don't think you sre unreasonable in wanting to stay at home while your DD is away.

OK if you think so. Is there a reason you believe asking a trusted family friend won't set the OP's mind at rest?

And in a similar vein, keep your ffs to yourself please.

Oh come on. Don't go. Yu are a long standing and respected MNer who has given a lot, but I asked a question about why you seem abrasive. Consider it retracted and I apologise - genuinely.

Good point WhoKnows. It sounds as though the step son is taking that attitude, disappointment, but hopefully no blame.

SoupDragon, I'm sorry, honestly. No harrassment meant. That is my final word on this.