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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to go to wedding - long sorry

208 replies

sidandlinus · 06/01/2013 08:06

Will try not to drip feed.

Very briefly I am step mother to four adult children. I have been with their dad for nearly 20 years. DH and I have one DD aged 15.

The DSC lived with us while they were growing up and are now in their late 20s/early 30s. Their DM left their DF before I met him.

We raised all 4 DCs and saw them through uni, marriage, grandchildren etc.. The DSC's mother died several years ago. All 4 DSC live in the UK and are happy and well adjusted. They are lovely and we have a strong relationship. They are kind and considerate towards their youngest sibling (our DD) and even though things have been "unconventional" we are a good family unit.

Skip to present - DD, DH and I now live abroad. Youngest DSS announced recently that he has got engaged to his long-term partner. They have a house together and are very happy. We are delighted for them. DSS said the wedding would be in 2014.

Received FB message to close family two days ago (to me, DH and siblings) saying they had decided to bring wedding forward to this August. Showed link to venue (lovely) and included other details. Everyone else seems very excited about it. Venue is in "holiday" area in UK so other DSC are rightly thinking of a combined wedding followed by holiday in the region.

However, and it's a big one! My DD has already booked and paid for a one week event that she is really looking forward to. It has cost us over £600 and is only on one week (ie: no choice as to change dates). DD told her DB this and he has sadly accepted that she can't attend and for her not to feel bad about it.

So far so good. However the week holiday for DD is over 400 miles away from our family home. She is independent and can get the train there (with our help to get to station etc..). However I am not comfortable leaving the country whilst she is away for this week. I know that it is unlikely that anything bad will happen but I am not comfortable being at least two days drive away from home (and another day from her) should something happen.

DSS is very upset that I said I will not attend the wedding - although his DF will of course. He is looking at changing the date but says the only other date available will mean they can't have a honeymoon. DH and I have both said that they should put themselves first and stick with the date they want. DSS has asked me to think about it - has mentioned that my DM could be "emergency contact" for my DD. However my DM is 70 and would not be able to drive to DD's holiday venue on her own (it's an eight hour drive). Although she is in good health her driving is a bit erratic and at present she is getting treatment for cataracts - so I would not feel happy with this option.

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable leaving DD in another country (even though I know she'll have a great time and nothing bad will happen)?

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 06/01/2013 15:44

Ooooh good point GoldPlated

Original poster
sidandlinus · 06/01/2013 15:55

Goldplated - I'm afraid I don't see the comparison - sorry.
DH will be at his son's wedding - the same as he was at all his DCs weddings. He will (god willing) be at our DD's wedding. He is their father why would he not be there?

OP posts:
GoldPlatedNineDoors · 06/01/2013 15:57

And you are their mother. Or as good as in your dsss eyes.

KobayashiMaru · 06/01/2013 16:10

Why would you not be there, is the question. There must be something you aren't saying because the reason you have given for not going is just not enough, unless your happy family unit is not as content as you say.

WilsonFrickett · 06/01/2013 16:11

And you're their mother - why would you not be there?

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 16:17

Exactly what KM and WF said!

But you don't feel like their mother, do you?

crashdoll · 06/01/2013 16:30

I'm not sure why you posted as you obviously had already made your decision. FWIW, I think you are wrong and to an outsider, (despite your excuses) it looks as though you are putting your daughter before your step son. It doesn't send a great message nor put you in a good light. The right thing to do is to go to the wedding.

HeathRobinson · 06/01/2013 16:30

So the son could move the date and have both his mother and sister there.

I don't understand the sudden urgency to get married in the very week that sister has already booked her holiday and he might think that his mother might feel conflicted about it.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 06/01/2013 16:39

Maybe the venue they wanted has had a cancellation? Maybe they have just conceived and are wanting to.marry before their due date? Maybe they have a holiday booked the following week and thought they might as well make that the honeymoon.

Lots of valid reasons.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 06/01/2013 16:48

You raised him. You are family.

Honestly if the money's refundable I would be so upset and disappointed in a teenager who put a holiday above her brother's wedding. But she's fifteen. I'd assume she'd grow up and learn better.

You have no such excuse! Honestly if you say you won't attend the wedding because you want to be 400 miles away fom her (as opposed to a flight from the UK away) in case something happens, you will look like a selfish loon who doesn't actually want to go to the wedding and is grabbing any lame excuse not to do so.

I know you say that's not the case and you wish you could attend but that is how it will look. It will be so embarrassing for your DH and DSCs.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 06/01/2013 16:49

Maybe he thinks the wedding of two adults is more important than a refundable teenage music camp? Because it is.

Honestly who plans their wedding around their teenage sister's social calendar?

ImperialBlether · 06/01/2013 16:59

Another one here who thinks your priorities are wrong. You say:

"I do know that I do not want DD to miss her holiday that is a no-go for me"

Surely what you should be saying is:

"I do know that I do not want to miss my stepson's wedding, that is a no-go for me."?

She will have the chance of plenty of holidays. It's a music holiday, for goodness sake! She's not hang-gliding or bungee jumping! I think she should go to the wedding, tbh, but maybe she prioritises a holiday over that. You should definitely go to his wedding. How could you think of missing it?

goodygumdrops · 06/01/2013 17:19

I also think you should go. And I am amazed your DD doesn't want to go too. Especially as she can get a refund on the camp. There will be other camps. You DSS wedding will only be once.

pictish · 06/01/2013 17:20

So that's four pages of posts telling you that you really ought to put attending your stepson's wedding, over sitting by the phone waiting for the phonecall that will never come.

I think I noticed one post that thought you were reasonable not to go. Out of roughly 150 replies.

MamaMumra · 06/01/2013 17:30

It's a shame you won't go. I think you are sending a clear message where your priorities lie.

MamaMumra · 06/01/2013 17:33

Also I would have to disagree with the pp who mentioned the OP was conflicted about this choice. It doesn't sound like you are conflicted OP. What does your DH think?

trixymalixy · 06/01/2013 17:41

You will sit by the phone for a week for the remote chance that your DD will need you and miss your other childs wedding? You say you are not his mother but you are the closest thing he has, and you are being VV unreasonable.

I totally agree with ^^

You are making poor excuses. You should go to the wedding.

DontmindifIdo · 06/01/2013 17:44

I really think long term, the damage you will do to your relationship with all your step children and the damage to the relationship between your DD and her siblings isn't worth a week music camp. Of course she doesn't think a wedding is more important, she's a child still and doesn't understand these events are so important. She doesn't live in the same country as them and doesn't share her day to day life with them, so these events are more important to tie her to them. I assume she doesn't know the bride very well?

In later life, she might want to have siblings and their spouses she can rely on. You need to do everything you can to make sure she's as imbedded in the extended family.

You should be having strong words with her about being so selfish as to chose to avoid her DB's big day for something so unimportant. Family commitments are important. But also, you need to have a look at yourself, why on earth are you not prioritising your DSS's wedding over your DD's music camp possibly going wrong? If you can't leave the country while she's at music camp, then she can't go, the answer is not for you to miss your DSS's wedding.

It just sounds like you don't really care about your DSS. What must his new in-laws think about you? Are you his step-mother or just his dad's wife? Would you miss your DD's wedding for similar reasons?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 06/01/2013 17:50

Even if you stay home, you'll be 400 miles away from your DD. You will be hardly any quicker reaching her than a flight from the UK.

Seriously I know you say you are sincere but to all outsiders you will look like you don't want to be at this wedding and are just making a lame excuse.

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 17:55

You are not prepared for your daughter to miss something she has already done and can do again even though it means she and you won't be at a wedding. Makes no sense to me but your message is loud and clear. If we get it, your husband's son certainly will.

trixymalixy · 06/01/2013 18:01

I missed the bit where she could get a refund. Sorry it'd be a total no brainier for me. Cancel the camp and all go to the wedding. As others have said the damage to family relationships is not worth it.

DontmindifIdo · 06/01/2013 18:09

BTW - if I was the bride, even if my soon-to-be-DH was ok with you and his baby sister not coming to the wedding, I'd see it as a snub. I'd tell everyone SIL had decided to go to a music camp instead and if that wasn't bad enough, you'd decided you had to wait at home just in case she needed you to drive to get her. And then when everyone replied, "what? really?" etc I'd raise one eyebrow and say "well, that's what she says..." and then the general view would be you were just being a cow, because noone would really miss their DSS's wedding for that reason and let their 15 year old priortise a music camp over her own brother's wedding...

QuickLookBusy · 06/01/2013 18:26

Can you imagine at the wedding, the number of times your step son and Dh are going to be asked "oh where's sidandlinus?

Can you images the wedding photos? Again, not only his mum missing but also his step mum.

You have to go to this wedding unless you seriously don't care about the fact your stepson will think differently about you, forever more.

I say these things as someone who was brought up by a step mum. She is a lovely person but she has never managed to disguise the fact she always put her own dd before me. Every single major occasion, she hasn't been there for me the way she was for my step sister. I wouldn't mind so much if she didn't constantly say to whoever is listening "oh they all get treated the same"
Erm no that isn't true.

BelleJolie · 06/01/2013 18:30

That's exactly what will happen, DontmindifIdo.

Nice, warm, loving, and generous welcome for your future DIL into your family, eh, OP?

If you don't make the effort now with her, don't expect her to make much effort with you in future.

Sorry, I really don't mean to be harsh, but I hope you take on the advice offered in this thread... For your family's sake.

cheeseandpineapple · 06/01/2013 18:33

OP, sounds like you're thinking of a way to make it work so both you and DH can attend the wedding and you're not worried about DD.

Not sure where you are located but if you're in Europe, hopefully you might be able to fly the Monday evening and be back on the Wednesday morning and ensure camp know you are out of country then and who they can contact while you are away. Between now and then save some money for emergency use in case there is a problem.

I do understand how you feel, I'm an expat and I am very uncomfortable about both DH and I being out of country without our kids.

If it was a more activity based camp, there might be more risk but given its fairly low risk sounding and DD is used to being away from home, I think on balance it is very unlikely to be a problem and you should be able to enjoy the wedding and be away just for a short time.

Incidentally, if DD is 2 hours drive away at boarding school, it's conceivable that in an emergency, if school could not reach you straight away that it might take you a few hours to reach DD so if there is an airport near the camp and near the wedding, the reality is that you might not be that much further away than you think although appreciate it's a psychological hurdle.

I hope you do decide to go and can then allay your worries with some practical steps. You sound like you have handled complex situations successfully, having helped raise your step children so that you have a warm, positive relationship with them. They obviously value you.

Do hope you can resolve this, it's a shame you weren't given much option on the date but I think you'll be able to make it work, if you can reassure yourself on back up options.