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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to go to wedding - long sorry

208 replies

sidandlinus · 06/01/2013 08:06

Will try not to drip feed.

Very briefly I am step mother to four adult children. I have been with their dad for nearly 20 years. DH and I have one DD aged 15.

The DSC lived with us while they were growing up and are now in their late 20s/early 30s. Their DM left their DF before I met him.

We raised all 4 DCs and saw them through uni, marriage, grandchildren etc.. The DSC's mother died several years ago. All 4 DSC live in the UK and are happy and well adjusted. They are lovely and we have a strong relationship. They are kind and considerate towards their youngest sibling (our DD) and even though things have been "unconventional" we are a good family unit.

Skip to present - DD, DH and I now live abroad. Youngest DSS announced recently that he has got engaged to his long-term partner. They have a house together and are very happy. We are delighted for them. DSS said the wedding would be in 2014.

Received FB message to close family two days ago (to me, DH and siblings) saying they had decided to bring wedding forward to this August. Showed link to venue (lovely) and included other details. Everyone else seems very excited about it. Venue is in "holiday" area in UK so other DSC are rightly thinking of a combined wedding followed by holiday in the region.

However, and it's a big one! My DD has already booked and paid for a one week event that she is really looking forward to. It has cost us over £600 and is only on one week (ie: no choice as to change dates). DD told her DB this and he has sadly accepted that she can't attend and for her not to feel bad about it.

So far so good. However the week holiday for DD is over 400 miles away from our family home. She is independent and can get the train there (with our help to get to station etc..). However I am not comfortable leaving the country whilst she is away for this week. I know that it is unlikely that anything bad will happen but I am not comfortable being at least two days drive away from home (and another day from her) should something happen.

DSS is very upset that I said I will not attend the wedding - although his DF will of course. He is looking at changing the date but says the only other date available will mean they can't have a honeymoon. DH and I have both said that they should put themselves first and stick with the date they want. DSS has asked me to think about it - has mentioned that my DM could be "emergency contact" for my DD. However my DM is 70 and would not be able to drive to DD's holiday venue on her own (it's an eight hour drive). Although she is in good health her driving is a bit erratic and at present she is getting treatment for cataracts - so I would not feel happy with this option.

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable leaving DD in another country (even though I know she'll have a great time and nothing bad will happen)?

OP posts:
flow4 · 06/01/2013 12:59

Nobody is being unreasonable, sidandlinus. In fact, it sounds like you are all eminently reasonable and thoughtful and caring. :)

There are just some circumstances in life where different needs/circumstances clash, and although everyone does their best to compromise and sort things out, they just can't. It's no-one's fault - it's just unfortunate.

The key to it is communication. If you all keep talking, you'll know what really matters to the people involved. In the end, you'll decide to do what matters most - none of us can know. From the outside, I'd say a family wedding matters more than a holiday... But I know nothing about the people involved, the strength of relationships, their priorities, circumstances, etc. You (all of you involved) need to find out how much it matters to your DSS if you're not there, and how much it matters to your DD if she doesn't go on this week away, and how much it matters to her if you're not in the country while she does...

You say you are a strong family unit, so whatever you all decide to do, so long as everyone agrees you're doing what matters most, everyone will understand, or forgive...

Oh and btw, August is still 8 months away... That's a long time in the life of a parent/teen relationship... You may feel fine about leaving your DD by then. :)

Sarraburd · 06/01/2013 13:06

Agree with all the posters who say both you and your DD should be there. He is her brother. Wedding trumps a holiday, big time.

Original poster
sidandlinus · 06/01/2013 13:08

Thank you all for your feedback and apologies if I sounded sarky earlier - this is just a difficult decision for me. I am stressed because I have until this evening to decide - I know the wedding is eight months away and an awful lot can change but at present I feel the weight of responsibility to make the right decision by tonight - DSS has given us the deadline so event can be booked). I am giving everything careful thought and have not posted this lightly. I do know that I do not want DD to miss her holiday that is a no-go for me (and her and DH). Everything else is workable (I hope). On top of the "moral dilemma" my concerns are very practical ones such as I don't know what trains will be running by the time of DD's holiday - she has to be there on Sunday evening and the wedding is on a Tuesday. Having to decide now is adding pressure to an otherwise difficult decision.

OP posts:
flow4 · 06/01/2013 13:08

Actually sid, re-reading your post, you may have answered your own questions already...

Your DSS is 'very upset' at the idea you won't go. He 'sadly' accepts his S-sis might not be there. These are strong words: it matters to him if you are not there - you especially, but both of you.

On the other hand your DD is 'really looking forward' to her week away and you feel 'uncomfortable' about leaving the country while she goes. These are milder words, to my mind. It sounds like your DD would be 'disappointed' but not 'very upset' if she didn't go, and you would be 'uncomfortable' but not more if you left the country.

If you picked your words well in your OP, I'd say you already know you want to go, because your DSS wants you there. :)

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 06/01/2013 13:10

Ok you're under pressure and need to make immediate decision. Let me make this easy for you:

GO TO THE WEDDING

Your daughter is a teenager and will be absolutely fine

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 13:10

OP, I think you were very rude to flowery.

I think, if your SC wants you there, you should go to the wedding. Your DD isn't doing anything dangerous and if anything was to happen there will be staff there to sort it. She is 15 and used to being away from you a lot. She isn't 2 and in need of mummy 24/7.

You run the risk of your SC thinking you are prioritising your birth child for no apparent reason.

bringbacksideburns · 06/01/2013 13:13

I think you really need to prioritise this Wedding and go. Either with or without your dd. And i think at 15 she will be fine if you can rope in some other emergency contacts amongst friends etc.

pictish · 06/01/2013 13:15

Let me help to make the decision less difficult for you.

Go to the wedding. Make it the main priority.

WilsonFrickett · 06/01/2013 13:15

Not knowing the trains isn't a valid reason. She's 15 and an independent 15 at that. You can make a travel plan nearer the time.

I'm beginning to think there's something else going on here.

AndiMac · 06/01/2013 13:17

You've just said you aren't willing to change DD's holiday for her step-brother's wedding. Therefore, you have made your choice, she comes above him, her wants are more important. I don't think anything we say will change your mind, even if nearly everyone thinks YABVU, you've already chosen whose is first in your heart.

I just hope your step-children are more understanding than I would be about this, but I wouldn't count on it.

BarredfromhavingStella · 06/01/2013 13:19

You should go to the wedding, I think you're being very naive to think that the relationship with your SS will not change if you don't go.

Thisisaeuphemism · 06/01/2013 13:27

Dss might be fine with it now but he might not be having the 'where is dsm' conversation over and over again

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 06/01/2013 13:31

Having read through this thread, I am inclined to think you should go, but not necessarily your DD. I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting anyone to cancel a holiday for my wedding, however it seems a lot of people would, so if she could cancel and accept losing a deposit then that would probably be best too. For the sake of family harmony. Did DSS ever say why they had gone for this August rather than 2014 as originally

Original poster
sidandlinus · 06/01/2013 13:48

Thank you again and apologies if I was rude earlier - I did say sorry up above. I am beginning to understand what other posters say about mentioning step parenting on MN - damned if you do and damned if you don't. Things are not always black and white and to suggest that I do not understand the implications of any decision made is not very kind. I am a step child myself and know the delicate balance that has to be tread. However, melodramatic talk about "who is first in my heart" do not help the situation and for the record SS is DD's half brother not stepbrother.

OP posts:
WineOhWhy · 06/01/2013 13:51

You mention that others on the course are from the UK. Surely by going to the wedding you are just putting your DD in the same position as those kids. Do you think their parents woud be neglectful if they stayed in the UK for that week? I think you would be mad not to go to the wedding.

ajandjjmum · 06/01/2013 13:51

Would it not be feasible for you and DD to go, but for her to fly back to her 'event' on the Tuesday night, so she would get the bulk of her holiday, but be present at her brother's wedding.

Be great experience for her too.

MammaTJ · 06/01/2013 13:51

Another one saying go to the wedding.

KobayashiMaru · 06/01/2013 13:55

It really isn't anything to do with being his stepmother. you raised him, his mother is dead, you are a happy family unit, so you say. YOU NEED TO GO TO HIS WEDDING. It's that simple. Every single poster here is telling you this. You could ask a thousand people and 999 of them will tell you to go to the wedding.

AndiMac · 06/01/2013 13:57

Pardon me for my inaccurate use of language. You are still prioritising your DD's holiday over her half-brother wedding and I think a lot of us cannot understand why.

JustFabulous · 06/01/2013 13:58

Would you miss your daughter's wedding to be "on call" for your grandchild while they are at a music event?

thenightsky · 06/01/2013 13:59

I understood the DD's holiday couldn't be changed as that was the only week it ran and that it wasn't the OP's unwillingness to change it.

pictish · 06/01/2013 14:01

I am beginning to understand what other posters say about mentioning step parenting on MN - damned if you do and damned if you don't.

It's not a case of that at all...but nice attempt to hide behind it.

It's a case of great if you do, damned if you don't.

There is no reason not to go to the wedding. Your priorities are skewed, step parent or not.

Narked · 06/01/2013 14:06

She's 15. She can manage a train. And unless you're in the middle of nowhere you could get on a plane and be there within a few hours if she needed you. Does she have no friends who are going too?

AndiMac · 06/01/2013 14:06

Thenightsky, I understand it that week only. It is still an unwillingness to cancel the holiday. It's the 15 year old half-brother for goodness sake. To me, the wedding would come before the holiday, but the OP has said that the holiday is going to take place, she hasn't even tried (or least so it reads) to get a refund of the holiday.

Chunkymumma · 06/01/2013 14:08

I think you should go to the wedding, you've obviously got a good relationship with all your SC and I bet he'd love you to be there too. Your DD will very likely be fine on her holiday, there's no reason for you to stay home alone that week. Please go to the wedding!