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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to go to wedding - long sorry

208 replies

sidandlinus · 06/01/2013 08:06

Will try not to drip feed.

Very briefly I am step mother to four adult children. I have been with their dad for nearly 20 years. DH and I have one DD aged 15.

The DSC lived with us while they were growing up and are now in their late 20s/early 30s. Their DM left their DF before I met him.

We raised all 4 DCs and saw them through uni, marriage, grandchildren etc.. The DSC's mother died several years ago. All 4 DSC live in the UK and are happy and well adjusted. They are lovely and we have a strong relationship. They are kind and considerate towards their youngest sibling (our DD) and even though things have been "unconventional" we are a good family unit.

Skip to present - DD, DH and I now live abroad. Youngest DSS announced recently that he has got engaged to his long-term partner. They have a house together and are very happy. We are delighted for them. DSS said the wedding would be in 2014.

Received FB message to close family two days ago (to me, DH and siblings) saying they had decided to bring wedding forward to this August. Showed link to venue (lovely) and included other details. Everyone else seems very excited about it. Venue is in "holiday" area in UK so other DSC are rightly thinking of a combined wedding followed by holiday in the region.

However, and it's a big one! My DD has already booked and paid for a one week event that she is really looking forward to. It has cost us over £600 and is only on one week (ie: no choice as to change dates). DD told her DB this and he has sadly accepted that she can't attend and for her not to feel bad about it.

So far so good. However the week holiday for DD is over 400 miles away from our family home. She is independent and can get the train there (with our help to get to station etc..). However I am not comfortable leaving the country whilst she is away for this week. I know that it is unlikely that anything bad will happen but I am not comfortable being at least two days drive away from home (and another day from her) should something happen.

DSS is very upset that I said I will not attend the wedding - although his DF will of course. He is looking at changing the date but says the only other date available will mean they can't have a honeymoon. DH and I have both said that they should put themselves first and stick with the date they want. DSS has asked me to think about it - has mentioned that my DM could be "emergency contact" for my DD. However my DM is 70 and would not be able to drive to DD's holiday venue on her own (it's an eight hour drive). Although she is in good health her driving is a bit erratic and at present she is getting treatment for cataracts - so I would not feel happy with this option.

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable leaving DD in another country (even though I know she'll have a great time and nothing bad will happen)?

OP posts:
thegreylady · 06/01/2013 11:56

Please go to the wedding even if you only stay for a couple of days. Your dd will be fine.

marriedinwhite · 06/01/2013 11:56

But you can buy holiday insurance to cover emergency flights when you are on holiday; it doesn't just cover repatriating an injured erpson from a holiday destination. And f something happened your daughter's insurance would likely cover it too.

tharsheblows · 06/01/2013 12:02

I would go. I have a son a little younger and he's goes away with school for a week at a time - next year, when he's 15, they're going to India. I'm not sure that's any different.

She'll be 16. You need to let her grow up. I know it's hard (well, it's hard for me) but it's a step on the way to being completely independent.

LittleWhiteWolf · 06/01/2013 12:03

I think you should go. In your last post you mention that your DD gives her blessing for you to be away while she is. You also mention that your DSSs mother is dead--I think you should go.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 06/01/2013 12:04

Your DD enjoyed her Aug 2012 holiday so much she was able to save £600 to go again next year by November? Did she already have savings? Why doesn't this music programme have a refund/insurance scheme?

Look if I were her, and you, I'd be saying that a music holiday with her mates is great, but this is her brother and family comes first. I realise her brother has told her it's ok but if I were her I would not want to go on holiday if it meant missing a major family event. And if it meant YOU had to miss out... I just wouldn't do it. (And I do appreciate the whole, amazing summer experience thing, I had it, I know how devastating coming home is... Sadly I think even if you go again, you never really get that first feeling back, but I digress!)

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 06/01/2013 12:06

The other this, in August when everyone else is having a lovely time at the wedding and your daughter is having too much fun to even call you, you are going to be sat at home on your own and you will feel like a prize eejit Grin

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 06/01/2013 12:06

The other thing is

WilsonFrickett · 06/01/2013 12:10

If she's staying with other parents, surely you trust those parents to make decisions in an emergency? Otherwise, why would you let her go?

She's probably going to be 16 by the time August comes. Old enough to leave school, leave home, do all sorts of things. You sitting in an empty house by the phone 'just in case' is just not right. When she goes to school (every week) do you stay within a certain distance? Never have a glass of wine in case you need to drive to school to deal with an emergency? I'm truly baffled as to why, especially when you're used to school being in loco parentis, this is such a big deal. She'll be fine. And if she's not, you'll deal with it.

simplesusan · 06/01/2013 12:14

Op- I don't think you are bu at all.
I would be the same as you as I worry about my kids when they are not here.
We are all different.
I would keep with the plans for your dd to go away on her trip.
But can you get a list of emergency contacts like other posters have suggested and go to the wedding?
Can you come back early or have contingency plans so that you can leave early?
I don't think I am much help as in the past we didn't go to a work collegues wedding due to a:
Not having relaible babysitters
b: having existing plans for the day of the wedding.
Fwiw I do think you dd will be fine without you sat at home worrying though.

AndiMac · 06/01/2013 12:21

Again I ask, have you asked if the money for the music summer trip can be refunded?

ArethaSnellHutt · 06/01/2013 12:21

Please go to the wedding. My mum didn't come to my wedding in September and although the day was still perfect I will never forgive her. It hasn't caused a rift but it has changed the way I feel. She told me she regretted it after and had been beating herself up about it but it's too late by then.

I know this is your DSS not DS but family isn't just about blood or genetics, it's what you make it. You seem to have a very close family and seem very proud of your relationship with all your children and your unconventional family and therefore you should go to the wedding because whilst it may not cause a rift, trust me your DSS will never feel quite the same about you ever again.

I say all this from experience and without meaning to sound harsh, I just don't want you to end up making the mistake my mum did.
X

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 06/01/2013 12:25

I don't understand the difference between you going away and leaving dd at home or on a holiday thing?

Have you never gone abroad without her?

We have several times (average every other year) for variuos reasons since our two were babies, leaving them with relies.

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 06/01/2013 12:26

Arrrgh - various not varuios and relies not relies.

Hate iPads!!!!!!!

lechatnoir · 06/01/2013 12:29

I missed a 2 week holiday to attend my best friend's wedding - there's not a cat in jells chance I'd miss my own child's (step, birth whatever ) wedding. Whatever he says now, I'd be amazed if he didn't resent you for not going. I'd be cancelling dd's trip for a close family wedding no question.

flowerytaleofNewYork · 06/01/2013 12:31

I missed that your DSS's own mother died. Even more important you go then. And again I am speaking from the same position as him.

KobayashiMaru · 06/01/2013 12:32

you will sit by the phone for a week for the remote chance that your DD will need you and miss your other childs wedding? You say you are not his mother but you are the closest thing he has, and you are being VV unreasonable.

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 06/01/2013 12:35

Step children often have all sorts of feelings of insecurity and resentment even with very nice step parents. I speak from experience. Go to this wedding. Your excuses are not good enough.

Pooka · 06/01/2013 12:36

I think you should definitely go.

I also am leaning towards the feeling that dd's august trip should be cancelled if possible so she can come too.

It's not the wedding of a work colleague. It's Op's stepson. To hang around at home on the off-chance that there might be a prob necessitating an 8hr+ drive, when you could use cc to get a flight back in similar time frame is just nuts.

It seems that you haven't told your dd that you would be unable to go just in case. If I were your dd I would be inclined to cancel my trip if that was the case, or to emphatically tell you to "GO"!!!

BelleJolie · 06/01/2013 12:38

YOU may think your relationship with your DSS won't change but you can't predict how he will respond. In fact, the stronger your existing relationship is, the more hurtful your absence at his wedding will be for him.

My future PILs won't be coming to our wedding and my DP is devastated. He feels completely let down by his parents and rightly or wrongly feels he can no longer count on their support in his life. It's going to take a lot for him to move past it, unfortunately.

I'm obviously biased but, from bitter experience, I think you may be underestimating the impact this may have on your relationship with your DSS.

BelleJolie · 06/01/2013 12:44

And I agree with the poster who said your excuses aren't good enough.

Is there something else underlying this, OP? You mention in your OP that 'everyone else seems excited'. Are you not?

pictish · 06/01/2013 12:47

Thinking that your non attendance at the wedding will not change your rekationship with him is perhaps a bit wishful thinking.
Your reason for not going is not good enough. It's a very selfish reason.
He might be ok with it (even though in your OP you said he was 'very upset'), but he will never forget it.

Thisisaeuphemism · 06/01/2013 12:47

I agree with flowery tale. You are deciding not to go just in case there is an emergancy? - I would be very hurt at that reason. .

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 06/01/2013 12:49

You might as well just say 'my daughter is more important than you - even on the biggest day of your life so far'

QOD · 06/01/2013 12:53

Go to the wedding, sounds like excuses

Nancy66 · 06/01/2013 12:53

OP - your original post was very much about stressing how key you have been in your stepchildren's life. You say that you raised than that their mother left that and that you were the one who brought them up and saw them through all of the key milestones in their life.

Getting married is one of those.

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