not to go to wedding - long sorry

[sidandlinus]

Will try not to drip feed.

Very briefly I am step mother to four adult children. I have been with their dad for nearly 20 years. DH and I have one DD aged 15.

The DSC lived with us while they were growing up and are now in their late 20s/early 30s. Their DM left their DF before I met him.

We raised all 4 DCs and saw them through uni, marriage, grandchildren etc.. The DSC's mother died several years ago. All 4 DSC live in the UK and are happy and well adjusted. They are lovely and we have a strong relationship. They are kind and considerate towards their youngest sibling (our DD) and even though things have been "unconventional" we are a good family unit.

Skip to present - DD, DH and I now live abroad. Youngest DSS announced recently that he has got engaged to his long-term partner. They have a house together and are very happy. We are delighted for them. DSS said the wedding would be in 2014.

Received FB message to close family two days ago (to me, DH and siblings) saying they had decided to bring wedding forward to this August. Showed link to venue (lovely) and included other details. Everyone else seems very excited about it. Venue is in "holiday" area in UK so other DSC are rightly thinking of a combined wedding followed by holiday in the region.

However, and it's a big one! My DD has already booked and paid for a one week event that she is really looking forward to. It has cost us over £600 and is only on one week (ie: no choice as to change dates). DD told her DB this and he has sadly accepted that she can't attend and for her not to feel bad about it.

So far so good. However the week holiday for DD is over 400 miles away from our family home. She is independent and can get the train there (with our help to get to station etc..). However I am not comfortable leaving the country whilst she is away for this week. I know that it is unlikely that anything bad will happen but I am not comfortable being at least two days drive away from home (and another day from her) should something happen.

DSS is very upset that I said I will not attend the wedding - although his DF will of course. He is looking at changing the date but says the only other date available will mean they can't have a honeymoon. DH and I have both said that they should put themselves first and stick with the date they want. DSS has asked me to think about it - has mentioned that my DM could be "emergency contact" for my DD. However my DM is 70 and would not be able to drive to DD's holiday venue on her own (it's an eight hour drive). Although she is in good health her driving is a bit erratic and at present she is getting treatment for cataracts - so I would not feel happy with this option.

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable leaving DD in another country (even though I know she'll have a great time and nothing bad will happen)?

I am step mum to three now adult dc and would never have refused an invitation to their weddings. Your dd is old enough to understand and I bet you could get another emergency contact. You would be sitting at home alone for a week causing some resentment for no good reason at all.

Can you work on forging a close contact for your dd between now and then? I've had to do this for my children as I'm on my own and it really does help to know they will be in good hands if needed. I think it would be worth the effort, I think your DSS needs you at his wedding even if you make a flying visit.

Is your DD's event something that involves particular risk?

You see, I've let my DCs, from age 11, go on school trips abroad (including skiing) and away on holiday with with friends. It could easily have been 18+ hrs to get to them in an emergency (more, if flights were full or there were other hiccups). I trusted teachers and friend's parents to take care until one of us got there. Has DD never been away from you? And is there really no prospect of there being a responsible adult available to her?

The cost of an emergency flight should something happen may be less than the price of missing the wedding.

I really don't think you need to miss the wedding to be sitting at home "just in case". At age 15, a lot of school trip are abroad, so the parents or other emergency contact will be back in the UK, so why does it matter if she is in the UK and you are the one in another country? You have responsibilities to your step son as well as your daughter.

I think you should ALL go to the wedding including your daughter.

You say you raised these children so you are much more like a mother than a 'step' one. He is your daughter's brother.

I think a mother not going to her son's wedding when the problems could be easily overcome is a bit selfish and will cause unnecessary upset.

I'm sure there will be trips your DD can do in the future.

You will regret it if you don't go and it may cause a family rift or - at best - resentment in the future. Just change your plans and go.

Surely you have some friends who can help out in this situation? Can't they take DD 15 to train station and be her main contact while you are away?

I think you should go to the wedding even if you just go for three days.

I also think your DD should go to the wedding and then go back on her course.

You need to find someone suitable & trustworthy to keep an eye on your dc in advance.
That way your dc gets her holiday and you still get to attend the wedding, that way both children will be happy.

When I was 15 my family went off on holiday and left me alone! Your DD will be absolutely fine. I would

Look at the transport options between where the wedding is and DD will be - you are assuming it's two days and then 400 miles but actually I bet there's a way to get there directly if you absolutely have to.

As Married said, get travel insurance for you and DD so if something did happen transport would be covered.

Speak to the organisers of DD's thing to say what they think.

Find a friend to be an emergency contact with your DM. DM can make decisions on your behalf even if she can't travel.

And go to the wedding!

OP here - sorry for the delay in responding - I've been taking the Christmas stuff down!

In answer to a few questions:

Yes I would definitely want to go to the wedding if DD wasn't away. This is my fourth SC to get married - and have been happy at all weddings.

MY DH understands both sides and thinks it is up to me to decide.

I have got friends nearby but do not feel happy asking them to commit to a week in August when they may have their own holiday plans or commitments. Also I would not expect them to drive eight hours there and eight hours back.

We are not in a financial position to get a last minute charter flight. We are served by low cost airlines - but not on a route that is daily (and the nearest airport is a two hour drive away!) Therefore the flight would not be feasible in the event of an emergency.

The holiday is not with existing friends. They are friends she has made through this annual holiday but they (and their parents) do not live anywhere near us. In fact most are from UK, across Europe and beyond.

I really can see both sides of this - just don't know how to proceed. It is unfair to say I will go if I have doubts nearer the time and unfair to expect them to change things.

Honestly, ask friends. If I was asked and you explained the circumstances then if I didn't have holiday plans I would completely understand and be honoured to be asked

Nancy66 - thanks for your response - I am not SS's mother nor do I try to be. I think that for DD to cancel her one week holiday - which she has paid for and looked forward to is not fair - especially as we had no idea that the wedding would be happening this year. She booked and paid for it in November. I am sure that we are strong enough not to have a family fallout over this. It will be a disappointment that DD is not there, it will also been unfortunate if I am not there - but I don't think it will cause repairable damage.

Fair enough. You do sound like you've already made your mind up.

Read the last sentence of your op, you really do not need to be there.

This will teach me to take tree down after posting an AIBU!
Sorry if I'm filling in gaps - will try and answer questions. I really haven't made my mind up yet - just wanted a fresh perspective.
The event is a week long music activity (so not dangerous)
My daughter is very independent - she goes away to school every week (Sunday through to Friday) She is not mollycoddled and is used to travelling independently. I really am not a neurotic mother. I have healthy worries but feel uneasy about being out of the country. My DD has been on overseas trips before - with school and DH.
I have no idea why the date has changed - there was never a date for 2014 - just mention that it will be next year (after we were told on Xmas Day) - a week later and a date and venue have been arranged (no idea why!)

You are not in a financial position to get a flight from where the wedding is in the Uk to where your DD will be?

Even in the very very unlikely event that there is an emergency so serious as to require you to rush to DDs side? Firstly it's incredibly unlikely, but also surely surely most people are in a position where they may not have spare cash lying around for flights under normal circumstances but in the event of a serious emergency, could beg borrow or scrape together somehow enough?

Sorry if I've misunderstood, but it doesn't sound from the OP as if you are on the breadline and I reckon if there was a genuine serious emergency, you could find someone prepared to lend the money to enable you to get to your dd, or get it together somehow.

I'm really quite surprised you're prepared to hurt your DSS this much and wait at home just in case because of the tiny tiny chance that something so serious will happen as to require you to travel straight to your DD, and because you are worried about affording a hypothetical and very unlikely flight.

Eight months isn't unreasonably short notice for a wedding.

Honestly I think you should all go. I would never put a holiday above my brother's wedding.

Just to get timeline right -

Nov 2012 - DD pays for Aug 2013 holiday in full
Xmas 2012 - DB announces is getting married, tentative date is sometime in 2014
One week later - actually we have set date for Aug 2013

So this is a trip your daughter makes every year? Not some once in a lifetime thing, but something she does every year?

Now I think both of you are selfish not to go to DSS's wedding. Yes, I understand it's already booked and paid for, yes I understand the date was changed. I still think it would be terrible if you don't go to the wedding. By not going, especially when you've gone to the other's weddings, you are really showing DSS how low on the totem pole he is in your priorities. You might think things won't change, but that's you, not him.

From this annual trip your daughter makes, have you even checked whether the money is recoverable with 8 months advance warning?

Have you asked your daughter how she would feel if you stayed or went?

And what Andimac said.

Isn't the whole "date being changed" a bit of a red herring, though? You didn't actually know about the wedding when you booked the holiday.

This is not a long standing annual holiday - this will be her second year. She enjoyed it so much last year that she has saved up to pay for it herself as we are not in a financial position to do so.

Flowery - We are not on the breadline but nor do we have expendable money. I am not sure where in my post I have indicated that we have a lot of cash - please enlighten me so I can revise my financial planning.

Of course we would use a credit card or something in an emergency. My DD has already spoken to her brother about this - he is understanding about this commitment and is not unduly concerned that she will not be there. DD thinks everything will be fine and for me to go to wedding.

Holdmeclose - yes the timetable you outline is exactly how things have unfolded

I can't help thinking that if you sit at home on your own waiting just in case your DD breaks her arm or whatever while all the rest of your family are in the UK at a wedding you will regret it.

There is only the slightest chance of something bad happening to DD where she needs you to jet off to be with her immediately and so of course you should investigate how to do that if necessary but in terms of cost it's so unlikely you could always put in on a cc and pay it off afterwards.

No need to get sarky, thanks.

You don't say you've got a lot of cash, no. You said in your OP that you'd paid for your DDs holiday, which you've now clarified as she is paying for it.

But you haven't said anything to indicate you are so near the breadline that you wouldn't be able to scrape together money for a flight in an emergency, and you have now confirmed that you could use a credit card, making the 3 days driving a non issue and an excuse.