not to go to wedding - long sorry

[sidandlinus]

Will try not to drip feed.

Very briefly I am step mother to four adult children. I have been with their dad for nearly 20 years. DH and I have one DD aged 15.

The DSC lived with us while they were growing up and are now in their late 20s/early 30s. Their DM left their DF before I met him.

We raised all 4 DCs and saw them through uni, marriage, grandchildren etc.. The DSC's mother died several years ago. All 4 DSC live in the UK and are happy and well adjusted. They are lovely and we have a strong relationship. They are kind and considerate towards their youngest sibling (our DD) and even though things have been "unconventional" we are a good family unit.

Skip to present - DD, DH and I now live abroad. Youngest DSS announced recently that he has got engaged to his long-term partner. They have a house together and are very happy. We are delighted for them. DSS said the wedding would be in 2014.

Received FB message to close family two days ago (to me, DH and siblings) saying they had decided to bring wedding forward to this August. Showed link to venue (lovely) and included other details. Everyone else seems very excited about it. Venue is in "holiday" area in UK so other DSC are rightly thinking of a combined wedding followed by holiday in the region.

However, and it's a big one! My DD has already booked and paid for a one week event that she is really looking forward to. It has cost us over £600 and is only on one week (ie: no choice as to change dates). DD told her DB this and he has sadly accepted that she can't attend and for her not to feel bad about it.

So far so good. However the week holiday for DD is over 400 miles away from our family home. She is independent and can get the train there (with our help to get to station etc..). However I am not comfortable leaving the country whilst she is away for this week. I know that it is unlikely that anything bad will happen but I am not comfortable being at least two days drive away from home (and another day from her) should something happen.

DSS is very upset that I said I will not attend the wedding - although his DF will of course. He is looking at changing the date but says the only other date available will mean they can't have a honeymoon. DH and I have both said that they should put themselves first and stick with the date they want. DSS has asked me to think about it - has mentioned that my DM could be "emergency contact" for my DD. However my DM is 70 and would not be able to drive to DD's holiday venue on her own (it's an eight hour drive). Although she is in good health her driving is a bit erratic and at present she is getting treatment for cataracts - so I would not feel happy with this option.

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable leaving DD in another country (even though I know she'll have a great time and nothing bad will happen)?

I came on to say what Wine has already said -- if other children on the course are from the UK, then surely by going to the UK yourself you are just putting yourself in exactly their position.

Why not split the difference? Go to the UK for the wedding from Monday to Wednesday. That's two days. The odds of anything bad happening at music camp in those two days are slim to none.

I think it would be very hurtful not to go.

sid, I think I get this... It's about The Fear, isn't it? :) The Fear is what most of us parents get at some point, when we know we're going to have to let our DC do something that carries some risk, but not that much, but it still makes us frightened anyway! When they're little, it might be letting them walk to school alone; when they're teens, it might be letting them sleep at a friend's house when you don't know the parents... When they become teenagers, The Fear often increases for a while (like it does when they first walk, or first go to school), because they are doing so many new things, and the stakes are often higher. In your case, you've got a biggie (in relative terms) - i.e letting your DD go on holiday for a week alone, and leaving the country at the same time. Of course you're scared and confused: your instincts tell you to protect your baby, and simultaneously to help your teen become more independent!

You can do this sid. You just need to be brave! Your DD will be absolutely fine. Go to your DSS's wedding. :) You will have lots of lovely things going on at the wedding to take your mind off The Fear, and you have 8 months to make alternative 'emergency plans' for your DD. Go for it! :)

I'm a bit open mouthed, you should go to the wedding and support a teenager in making the difficult decision that she should go too. It's understandable that it would be difficult for her because she is a teenager. Relationships between siblings can be hard enough with a big age gap, but this might be closing the door.

You should go to the wedding. And make the other stuff happen. Even your daughter says she will be fine.

At 15 I'd rather have been on my planned holiday than at a family wedding. The reaction on here shows what people would think about you not going though. And these are the responses of people who have DC and understand being worried about a 15 year old.

The more you post, OP, the more unreasonable you seem in your stance. I think you simply don't want to go to this wedding. Let's be honest, you COULD come up with alternatives for your DD, you just don't WANT to.

(and thinking about it more, I agree with the posters saying your DD should attend too.)

Without a doubt I would go to the wedding. It is outrageous that you are even thinking of not going simply because of an emergency that is highly unlikely to ever arise. There are sensible and acceptable contingency plans you could put in place in case of emergency but you are choosing not to make them. I am another one who thinks there must be something else going on here, I am totally baffled by the lack of real dilemma.

As for your daughter, I would be trying to get a refund as her brother's wedding should take priority but if a full refund wasn't available then I'm sure it her brother would understand that the loss of money would be too great.

You should definitely go to the wedding. Not sure why your DD cannot get her money back for this music holiday, given it's not till August. Anyway, that isn't really important as she does still want to go and even her step-brother has said he is fine with that.

You say she has to be there on the Sunday night and wedding is on Tuesday, so that gives you Sunday to see her off, ring to make sure she has arrived and get a good night's sleep. You than have all day Monday to travel to the wedding. Come home Thursday or even Wednesday and you'll still be in the same country as your DD three days of her holiday at least.

the 15 year old goes to boarding school. So she's very used to being away and the Op is very used to her daughter not being around.

An outward bound course - yes, I could understand the anxiety. But a music camp?

Well I can only let you know our own situation which is remarkably similar.

DH's stepmother didn't come to our wedding because his DSS was on a school exchange trip in another country (she was 16). He loves his DSM to bits and she has played a massive part in his/our life since he was 3 but she didn't come in case she had to go to DD and we got married in the Shetlands which she considered too difficult to return from if needed.

I will never forget how hurt he was or the look on his face when he said that she 'was making a very clear statement about how she feels about me'. He was incredibly hurt and though he still loves her, and she him, he does feel a bit of a shift now in how she feels about him and her other DSC's. You really should go and make the rest happen, it is entirely possible.

I do not intend to sound unreasonable - as I stated earlier I wanted opinions. I know there will be other people on DD's holiday that will have parents in UK/USA and beyond. However the majority of them are aged 17/18 years old. What feels right for one parent does not mean it is right for all.

The issue as I see it now is whether I go and not about DD - that decision is already made. Yes it would be lovely if she was there. Were it any other week of the year she would be. She went to her DB's wedding last year, her sister's two years previously and her other sister's before then. She has gone to christenings, parties, etc.... over the past few years. We are usually only in the UK about once or twice a year but each visit revolves around her family. At other times they come and visit us here.

She is NOT as people seem to suggest being selfish. If we told her not to go (and yes we could get a refund) she would cancel the music camp- but I don't think that is fair on her.

She has saved her money for this holiday, worked for it and gets a heck of a lot out of going - before this she lacked confidence and was very insecure. She is fully committed to her family - she speaks with them often and has a relationship with them all independently of her parents. She is also kind to their children - whenever possible she visits and sees her siblings on a regular basis - and in turn she is happy and well-rounded. There is a large age gap (14 years minimum) but she has always had a good relationship with everyone. Her DB knows that she would be there if it was any other date.

So I understand what a lot of you are saying about me going and I think that DH and I need to look at ways that we can both be there and feel happy about DD being here at home.

And for that I think I now need a glass of wine and a mince pie!

She goes to boarding school and you're being like this???

She copes without you week by week already!

Hi Nancy66 - the boarding school is not a few days travel away - it is a two hour drive. She is home every weekend. This isn't about whether I am used to being with DD every hour of the day or vice versa - it is about feeling "too far away" should something (however remote) go wrong.

It shouldn't matter if the man getting married is your DS, DSS, fostered son, adopted son.

YOU brought him up, you should be at his wedding.

Narked - it's not about whether she copes with or without me - it's about the distance should anything go wrong. She is a weekly boarder - does that make my anxieties about a holiday any less feasible?

You are saying her needs come before her brother's. There will be other music festivals. Hopefully her brother won't need to have another wedding.

"She is NOT as people seem to suggest being selfish. If we told her not to go (and yes we could get a refund) she would cancel the music camp- but I don't think that is fair on her."

Yet you think it's fair on her to know that the reason you aren't going to the wedding is because she is going on music camp?

At that age I'd have been happy missing a family wedding with my parent's blessing. I'd have felt really guilty if it involved one of them missing the wedding too for no good reason.

What are your current plans about rushing to her school should anything happen there, now?

how would you feel if you step children could not make to your daughter wedding because they were on holiday...

no one pays in full for a holiday this far in advanced
you pay a booking fee that cant be refunded
if you have let your daughter pay this far in advanced you are mad and your daughter has just learn a very expensive lesson

you should all go the wedding

any thing less and you making rifts in your family that we never be recovered

your new daughter in law to be will never think very highly of you and your daughter

Just go for 24 hours - it should be less expensive as minimal, if any, accommodation and your time away is minimal too.

I think that the chances of something life threatening happening to your dd whilst she is at a weeks music camp are going to be very very small. Those risks don't increase if you go away.
If she is away through the week at school anyhow then to her it is no different to be away for the week at music camp.

I know how it feels to see your dd go off to do something that is outside your comfort zone but the fact that she has saved up for this and got things all sorted proves that you have a very resourceful daughter already.

Given all these things, I would suggest that you went to the wedding as it would mean so much to your stepson, who from the way you have described his reaction sees you as the closest thing to mum he has now.

I hope you manage to make your mind up and things all work out.

I think you should go to the wedding. The wedding is a definite. It really WILL happen, and you really will miss it if you don't go. Being 'there' for your DD on the offchance that something goes wrong is not a definite. It's highly unlikely.

I'd get her best friend's family - someone you trust impeccably - to be in loco parentis, ring her every day and go for the wedding itself but come home straight afterwards.

I understand your fear but I think you are hugely over-reacting to the possibility of something going wrong.

Truly, I don't think you are sending the right message to anyone by creating a sense of crisis instead of joining in a celebration.

Think of it this way: how many things could happen to your DD at camp that are so awful that no one, including your DD, no one but you, could sort them out? And out of those awful fictitious scenarios, how many depend on you being a few hours away, not two days away? What difference does that time make, and to what situation?

Trust her to cope with what life throws at her. Trust those in loco parentis to be great at their job. Enjoy your DSC's once in a lifetime wedding.

I know times have changed, but if anything, they are far far safer now. And you have mobile phone communication. I was off in London alone at 15, at youth camps, while my parents and siblings were in Biarritz without even a phone.

I think the far bigger risk is that you'll regret not attending, than that you'll be called on at that precise time to whisk your DD away from danger.

I think it is very telling that he is fine with his sister not being there but really wants you there. He is "very upset" and upset enough to show his feelings.

Go to the wedding. You have too really.

OP, I agree with the other posters. I think you need to be at the wedding. Your DD is 15, she's not a tiny baby- it won't be very long before she wants to go on holiday abroad with her mates, I was certainly doing that at 18.

Right now she's only going on a music camp- a very low risk activity, presumably run by responsible adults, with plenty of people who can help her if needed. And she/they can contact you by phone should the need arise.

Your daughter does not need you for that week. If anything happens, you could find a way to get there- but it is highly unlikely to be necessary. Your stepson does need you.

I honestly don't see why you are hesitating, unless there is any other issue.

OP how would you feel if on your DDs wedding, her father couldnt be there because he was dping something with / for one of his sons?