not to go to wedding - long sorry

[sidandlinus]

Will try not to drip feed.

Very briefly I am step mother to four adult children. I have been with their dad for nearly 20 years. DH and I have one DD aged 15.

The DSC lived with us while they were growing up and are now in their late 20s/early 30s. Their DM left their DF before I met him.

We raised all 4 DCs and saw them through uni, marriage, grandchildren etc.. The DSC's mother died several years ago. All 4 DSC live in the UK and are happy and well adjusted. They are lovely and we have a strong relationship. They are kind and considerate towards their youngest sibling (our DD) and even though things have been "unconventional" we are a good family unit.

Skip to present - DD, DH and I now live abroad. Youngest DSS announced recently that he has got engaged to his long-term partner. They have a house together and are very happy. We are delighted for them. DSS said the wedding would be in 2014.

Received FB message to close family two days ago (to me, DH and siblings) saying they had decided to bring wedding forward to this August. Showed link to venue (lovely) and included other details. Everyone else seems very excited about it. Venue is in "holiday" area in UK so other DSC are rightly thinking of a combined wedding followed by holiday in the region.

However, and it's a big one! My DD has already booked and paid for a one week event that she is really looking forward to. It has cost us over £600 and is only on one week (ie: no choice as to change dates). DD told her DB this and he has sadly accepted that she can't attend and for her not to feel bad about it.

So far so good. However the week holiday for DD is over 400 miles away from our family home. She is independent and can get the train there (with our help to get to station etc..). However I am not comfortable leaving the country whilst she is away for this week. I know that it is unlikely that anything bad will happen but I am not comfortable being at least two days drive away from home (and another day from her) should something happen.

DSS is very upset that I said I will not attend the wedding - although his DF will of course. He is looking at changing the date but says the only other date available will mean they can't have a honeymoon. DH and I have both said that they should put themselves first and stick with the date they want. DSS has asked me to think about it - has mentioned that my DM could be "emergency contact" for my DD. However my DM is 70 and would not be able to drive to DD's holiday venue on her own (it's an eight hour drive). Although she is in good health her driving is a bit erratic and at present she is getting treatment for cataracts - so I would not feel happy with this option.

So AIBU to feel uncomfortable leaving DD in another country (even though I know she'll have a great time and nothing bad will happen)?

I think you should go to the wedding - if you can find another trusted adult to be on call if DD needs anything, or, also, if this event is one that happens yearly, I'd talk to her about the possiblity of missing it to go to her DB's wedding (it would have to be a truely fabulous, once in a lifetime event to miss a sibling's wedding), and you will pay for her to go next year. (Assuming you can find another £600 for 2014) It is, however, poor planning on your DSS's behalf to not check when immediate family can do. Is there a reason for the wedding being brought forward?

At 15, I went on overseas trips with school, it's not that big a deal. She'll be overseas but you talk about her being a 2 day drive away, so possibly you could fly to be with her quicker in an emergancy situation. (Leaving your DH to bring the car back later)

I like the idea that there could be a middle ground, I.e. you fly over just for the wedding only then travel back to be nearer DD. Of course we don't know dates and destinations but maybe you could fit all in.

If it helps my DS 15 (today ;)) is gping away on a school trip for a week. It is 5 hours flight away. Me and DH are going to have a holiday which is4 hours in the other direction. I do plan to be home to see him off and pick up though.

By not going, I would imagine it sends a very strong message to your SS that your dd is far, far more important than him. If you feel that strongly about your dd being too far away, then make her come to the wedding. Otherwise, just fly over for 36hrs/48 hrs or whatever makes you more comfortable.

I would just ask one of dd's friend's parents to be the emergency contact, and go to the wedding. I would have done this anyway, in case some sort of emergency happened and I was for some reason uncontactable. When dd went to the Isle of Wight Festival last year, she had 5 people she could contact if she had a problem.

Or am I missing something?

Although I understand your reasoning, and changing the date without consulting is a bit crazy, if I was your DSS, I would be very hurt that you wouldn't come to the wedding. Looking at it from his point of view, you are staying home, missing his HUGE life event, just in the rare chance something happens to your DD on a regular holiday.

If, in the unlikely event, something did happen to your DD on her holiday, would there not be some way of flying to near her to help, rather than what sounds like 3 days of driving? That could only be a few hours flight if it was necessary.

Your 15 year old is on holiday/at an event for a week and will not need you. There will be safety measures in place at the venue if she is on an organised trip for things that go wrong.

I have plenty of sympathy for your feelings though - when foster dd was away on two trips last year every time I turned my phone off (for work) or had to travel somewhere where I was out of contact I did worry - that's the nature of being responsible for an older teen (dd is 14)

But, you're the adult, your job is to worry a bit. Your job is not to make the world entirely safe for your daughter, or promising you will be there every moment.

Instead you explain to her you wouldn't be able to get back for a couple if days, that the venue is responsible for her and that you could talk/Skype to her while on your way back.

And what you will get from her is rolled eyes, " I will be fine Mum!" Etc etc

I think you probably need to go to the wedding. Your son will be sad if you don't go and there will be a big mum shaped hole for all of them if you don't go.

Go, and worry

Also what twooter said. I was trying to express it, but it wasn't coming across right, so left it out.

What Laurie said!

I think you should go.
Your dd is not home alone, she is busy.
Just go for a couple of days.

OP - surely you can have an emergency contact. Can you not just book flights for the actual wedding? 99.9% things will be well - go with your husband and take out insurance in the event that you have to get back quickly by air.

Both our DC were on school trips for the same week last summer; both abroad and even though we stayed at home we had to accept that those running the trips would be responsible until we could get to them in an emergency - and it would have taken a day or two to get to DS.

The miniscule chance of something going wrong at your dd's end shouldn't outweigh an event like a wedding. Of course you will be worried; all parents worry.

What is the event your DD is attending? Just asking as wonder what type of adult supervision etc may be there.

Children go on school trips all the time to far flung places. Can you not look on it as a similar type of trip, lots of adults in place to take responsibility etc?

You brought that boy up, you should really be at his wedding.

It really does send out the message that your dd means so much more to you than your stepson.
If I were your ss, I would think the distinction perfectly clear. I'm not surprised he's upset.
He even looked into changing the date to accomodate you...that's how much he wants you there.

You don't seem arsed, prioritising your needless neurosis over your dd, over his wedding.

Hurtful.

In fairnesss it sounds as though the OP was willing to go the extra mile to go to the wedding until he brought it forward and to a date that wasn't suitable.
When I was planning my wedding, there were family and friends who were invited and family and friends who I needed to be there and so arranged the date with them. Parents, grandparents and siblings, obviously. But also my aunt and uncle and cousins - I almost forgot to actually invite them because my attitude had been that the date had been planned around them too.

I wouldn't go to the wedding while DD was away elsewhere. A boy at DSs Scout group broke his arm while on scout camp and his parents were not contactable as they had left the country. obviously he was taken to hospital and got all medical attention but it was extremely distressing for him that neither parent were there for him at such a time. The stepson should have checked before changing the wedding date if he wanted OP to be there.

But if you imagine the op was in the uk and her dd was on a school trip overseas then she would go to the wedding without a second thought. There would be no emergency contact for the dd then. I think you should attend the wedding op.

Where is your DD going that you would have to drive to and would therefore not be able to reach for 3 days?

Presumably you will be contactable during this time?

If she were going on a trip abroad as many teenagers do, would you insist on relocating to the country she was in for the duration of the trip?

You are sending a strong and hurtful message to your stepson, and I say that as someone who was brought up by a stepmother herself.

Still don't understand why a friend's parents can't be stand ins.

the OP hasn't been back has she? She may come back and say that's a fantastic idea and why didnt she think of it :o

We don't know they the ops dd is on an adult supervised trip though do we?

If my dd went on a school trip and we also went abroad he same week we would be obliged by the school to provide an alternative emergency contact who and sign to say they had the right to make important decisions

We actually did thus when dd went on a trip in this country (outdoor education) and we went to London for a few days. My parents took parental responsibility whilst we were away

However I would be trying to make this work somehow but I really can't understand why the step child set dates first without checking with immediate family members.

I think you have to factor in the possibility that your relationship with your stepson may irrevocably change if you don't go to his wedding. This type of scenario causes a huge amount of upset which can, unfortunately, sometimes last for years.

I understand your concerns about your DD but I think you can work around that, using the suggestions other posters have made.

When I was 15, I went on a school trip to Greece and in my absence DMum went to Rome for the week. My DSis came and picked me up on the bus from the coach when we returned to school as DMum's holiday was a last-minute booking and so I didn't know she'd gone. It was fine and my DMum is as far from 'neglectful parent' as you could hope to be.

Is there someone who could help your DMum with going to pick up your DD if anything happened? Then your DMum could be the emergency contact but wouldn't have to be responsible for transport. You could even get a couple of long distance taxi quotes and put aside the money just so that your mind is at rest.

"I think you have to factor in the possibility that your relationship with your stepson may irrevocably change if you don't go to his wedding. This type of scenario causes a huge amount of upset which can, unfortunately, sometimes last for years."

And this ^

YABU

Your dd does not need you sitting at home by the phone while she away! I would be very hurt if I was your DSS.

Just out of nosiness, why did they decide to bring the wedding forward?

You need to talk to whoever the responsible adults are on this trip that your dd is going on and ask how they would feel if you weren't in the country.

If they don't mind taking a little extra responsibility for a very valid reason and you have a friend that could collect your dd if neccesary then there's no reason you couldn't go to the wedding. It would be a real shame for your whole family if you were to miss it, so I think you need to do everything possible to go. Even if it doesn't come off, at least your dss will know you have made he effort for him.