Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally over the way people let other people treat them at Christmas

248 replies

Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 09:48

rather than speaking up for themselves?

Yes, it's a fred about many many many freds.

You're all adults. Act like adults.

Someone insults you, say something.

Someone hurts your feelings, say something.

Someone leaves you out of something, say something.

Fuck 'keeping the peace' and 'not causing a rift'. They have already caused the rift by upsetting you. What do you have to lose except toxic, rude, obnoxious people in your life?!?!?!?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 21:46

I've not called you any names either.

I'm calling you on your behavior that is all.

I thought that was what you have been saying people should do?

Anyway, sleep well.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 26/12/2012 21:47

Amber does have a point tee, your all for straight talking and telling it like it is yes?

MerryLindor · 26/12/2012 21:48

You did say that Tee comes across as a right arsehole, Amber - if that's not calling names, then it's a fine distinction.

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 21:51

Within the talk guidelines MerryLindor.

'comes across as an arsehole' 'you're an arsehole' two different things with different meanings. I meant the first not the second, so that is what I said.

Original poster
Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 21:51

"You probably have a lovely side, but you can come across as a right arsehole sometimes Tee. "

"Then you can carry on being bitchy unchecked."

Hmm

That's not calling someone on their behaviour. That's being deliberately rude and insulting. You can call someone on their behaviour without being either of those things.

For whatever your reason, you don't like me. Fair enough. I don't like you either.

But I haven't called you a single name either.

You want to call me on my behaviour, then do so. Without resulting to insults and rudeness.

OP posts:
MerryLindor · 26/12/2012 21:53

Kim
I think that if you are modifying your behavior in order to please others, then it is only a matter of time before a big blow up happens.

Of course we all keep quiet to save having an argument at times, it is all part of life, but if it makes you feel bad then it's time to reassess what is important to you.

My rule of thumb is, 'Would the person hesitate before saying this to me?'

If the answer is no, that person would have no qualms about hurting my feelings then I feel that I can go ahead and say something.

MerryLindor · 26/12/2012 21:55

Amber
I'd rather Tee speak her mind than have someone deliberately use insults in a way that stays within the talk guidelines.

I find that quite mean of you, if I am honest.

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 21:57

Where have I said I don't like you? I don't know you from Adam.

I'll respond to your posts individually, You have even quoted me saying that I think you probably have a lovely side, I mean that and all the other things I said that were positive.

Whether you like me or not matters not a jot TBH, you are a stranger on the internet [shrugs]

I haven't been rude or insulting any more than you have. I have not directly insulted you at all, I was talking about your behavior on this thread.

Shall I quote your passive aggressive replies to me when I did call you on your behavior?

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 21:58

Merrylindor. In speaking her mind, Tee has been very much deliberately insulting lots of vulnerable posters who post here for help and advice.

I think that is quite mean too.

snowtunesgirl · 26/12/2012 22:01

But this is being posted in AIBU, not Relationships or Mental Health.

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 22:03

So? do people only read one section of MN?

Posting in AIBU isnt a licence to be offensive.

crashdoll · 26/12/2012 22:04

It's never ok to attack vulnerable people with uninivited criticism.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 26/12/2012 22:05

I really dislike people who say they speak their mind and call a spade a spade. It's that thing of I don't mean to be rude but... And then be as rude as they like. Also it seems they can never take someone else speaking their mind back either.

No ones perfect but it's family and grinning and putting up with a few digs here with someone who is a I call a spade a spade person for the sake of everyone else.

InNeedOfBrandyButter · 26/12/2012 22:07

Is the grown up and polite way to behave.

I posted to soon Blush

raspberryroop · 26/12/2012 22:10

From what I have read most of the posters who say they were vulnerable and in some way abused have all be positive about standing up for themselves and making their voice heard - there may have been fall out but all seam to have accepted it as a consequence of the 'abuse' stopping. So I think Amber you are standing up for people who perhaps do not need you to stand up for them. As i said before your conditioning is to the point of saying the 'victims' have no choice almost to be abused that in no way do their choices affect the outcomes of their lives and that its complicated.

MerryLindor · 26/12/2012 22:10

There is a massive difference to saying 'I find this kind of behaviour incomprehensible, why can't people stand up to themselves' and 'you can come over as a bit of an arsehole' and if you can't see that, amber, then I'm amazed.

The first is commenting on the behaviour of people in general. Readers are free to recognize themselves in this description or not.

The latter is a direct attack, poorly veiled in an attempt to avoid deletion by MNHQ.

MerryLindor · 26/12/2012 22:12

And I thought that you knew Tee (or recognized her from other threads) as you said that she comes over as a bit of an arsehole sometime. I took that to mean not just on this thread

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 22:20

'Knowing' someone on MN is not knowing someone.

I know her name and have read posts and the odd thread by her yes.

I have noticed arseholey IMO behavior previously yes.

I have also noticed the opposite which is why I said Im sure she isnt horrible etc.

How you can defend her when she has said openly that she does blame victims is beyond me, a massive lack of empathy on her part IMO and very simplifying very complex issues.

raspberry
As i said before your conditioning is to the point of saying the 'victims' have no choice almost to be abused that in no way do their choices affect the outcomes of their lives and that its complicated

You don't know a thing about my 'conditioning' believe me!

I was arguing with your statement that abuse starts with the victim, I wasnt the only person saying that either.

GothAnneGeddes · 26/12/2012 22:21

This thread seems to be less about helping people and more about how marvellous the O.P thinks they are.

And if anyone disagrees, then we don't know the O.P, yet we're meant to trust her wondrous advice.

It's bollocks, really. Giving advice is as much about listening to the person and their problem, then just dispensing "wisdom" from on high.

Tortington · 26/12/2012 22:23

tee you're coming across as the vile twat you want us all to stick up to.

I agreed with your original premise - but them you started being rude the further down the thread i read - and you lost my support

shame really, because i thought you started off very well

MerryLindor · 26/12/2012 22:26

Why did you say you don't know her from Adam, and that you were only responding to her posts on this thread, if you have noticed arseholey behavior from her before?

I don't have to agree with everything she says to want to defend her.

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 22:28

Merry

I don't know her from Adam, any more than I truely know anyone I 'speak' with on MN.

I was responding to her posts on this thread, I have responded to other posts on other threads differently, because their content was different and not arseholey.

MerryLindor · 26/12/2012 22:34

If we could get away from whether Tee is an arsehole, or whether she could have worded her OP better - the topic of the thread is actually a very interesting one.

Why do so many women put up with being treated disrespectfully?

Why do women not notice the 'red flags' of abuse?

How can we help our children escape this cycle of abuse?

AmberLeaf · 26/12/2012 22:52

It is an interesting one and another poster suggested Tee start a helpful post, she declined as helping was not her intention.

Tees topic was not that though, it was about how 'over' all these sort of threads she is.

noddyholder · 26/12/2012 22:58

People going through this are not interested in how over it she is she could have shown her oversees by saying nothing.