To be totally over the way people let other people treat them at Christmas

[Tee2072]

rather than speaking up for themselves?

Yes, it's a fred about many many many freds.

You're all adults. Act like adults.

Someone insults you, say something.

Someone hurts your feelings, say something.

Someone leaves you out of something, say something.

Fuck 'keeping the peace' and 'not causing a rift'. They have already caused the rift by upsetting you. What do you have to lose except toxic, rude, obnoxious people in your life?!?!?!?

'Nebulous
What if your child became involved with a person from such a family? Would you still want to back off? '

No, but that's because I'd be personally involved. Fortunately the chances of either of mine being in an abusive relationship, either as the abuser or the victim are fairly small. It's not how they were raised, it's not how my extended family works, it's not how their own friendships function. DD already challenges abusive behaviour when she meets it.
And they would know that if I asked 'Why are you tolerating this unacceptable behaviour?' I'd expect a logical answer that made sense.
We didn't raise either of them to be doormats or to wipe their feet on others.

It's to simplistic to say respect me or get out the door. Falling out with one family member has ramifications through out and don't just effect you.

My grandma for instance is very rude in an odd comment passive aggressive way put down styled as a compliment type way.I couldn't without making everyone else uncomfortable and making my mum chose between me and her mother say anything. So instead I don't see her, bother about birthday presents and we don't have much of a relationship but I would never say in my mums house to her to shut the fuck up and stop being so snobby, rude and egotistical. Does not mean im a door mat because I don't shout about it and grin and bare it instead. Sometimes in life the right thing to do is grin and let it roll of your back.

"I don't see her, bother about birthday presents and we don't have much of a relationship..."

Then you've already done it, haven't you? Even if you don't say anything to her directly, you're not dealing with her. That's all I really mean.

Tee, was there a time before you understood about boundaries? Before you knew that you were worth more than how you were being treated?

Brandybutter
I'm like that with my aunt. We call her Auntie Dementor cause she just plain sucks the joy out of any occasion.

I no longer take any shit from her, but have to watch what I say in front of my mum and the other sister cause they'd worry about it.

A slagging off won't help someone who is already feeling shit about their self.

You're not trying to help anyone, you're just being judgy about people that aren't as enlightened as you think are.

Absolutely, CoalDustWoman. I haven't always been the enlightened woman you see before you.

I didn't actually start the thread to help anyone, now that I think about it, Amber. I started it, as I said, so I wouldn't have to repeat myself 100 times today on a hundred different threads.

If I had wanted to help, I would have posted on the threads directly or posted in relationships.

I asked if I was BU to be over the way people let them treat them at Christmas. So...AIBU to be over it? To want to request it's own topic so I can hide it?

Sure, I said upthread maybe it could help someone. Maybe it can. But that wasn't really my first goal when I started it.

Sorry if you thought otherwise or if I said otherwise. I am not very good at support. This is why I avoid Relationships, General Health and Mental Health. Because I don't do 'oh there there, it will be okay'. I do 'Leave the bastard' and/or 'just take your fucking meds' and/or 'go to the fucking GP you big doily.'

I'm in this situation OP, and honestly I don't know what to do.

For the 100th time, my sister has ruined Christmas with her vile behaviour. She's rude, ungrateful, verbally abusive. I am utterly sick of it.

But the thing is, she has two utterly wonderful children who I adore. I don't have dcs and can't have them. So what do I do? Tell her to fuck the fuck off? If she had no dcs I would and it would be so satisfying. But if I do it now she will refuse to let me have contact with them. She did so before after a major fall out for a few months a few years ago. It's always felt worth just putting up with her to see them, but after this Christmas, well, I just don't know if I can anymore. There are no other children in the family. It is going to be heartbreaking if I stick with this decision, we have such a good relationship which I really value.

Last time when I told her very clearly once that she was not to speak to me like that again, and that I wouldn't take more abuse (I wrote that in a letter) she then told a mutual friend that I had sent her an abusive letter full of hate. I lost that friend too. She's all sweetness and light outside the family so the friend believed her.

And besides which it would break my parents heart if I cut contact with her. She's vile to them too (probably worse) but they don't have the guts to stand up to her. They're scared of her.

I started it, as I said, so I wouldn't have to repeat myself 100 times today on a hundred different threads

You wouldn't have to repeat yourself though! why do you think anyone needs to hear your opinion anyway? certainly not so much that it requires its own thread!

I'm sure you not posting on any of those threads wouldn't have made any impact at all.

You didn't need to post this thread, you just did it to be nasty.

I hope posting this is helping you today, at least then someone will be getting something out of it.

Amber Yes. I did it to be nasty. You sussed me out. I'm a horrible horrible person who should be shot, drawn and quartered for starting a thread expressing my opinion that might make some people mad on Mumsnet. You're right. I'm wrong.

And yes, it's helping me to see that I'm not the only one on MN who agrees that the way some people let other people treat them is not okay, it's not nice or kind or 'being British' or whatever fucking excuse you want to give.

No one is forcing you to read the thread.

moisturiser I'm sorry you're in that position. I really don't have any advice beyond what I've already said. If it was me? I'd cut her out of my life, mourn the loss of the children and, maybe, my parents and other friends, and move on. And I have done so. I've actually cut most of my family out of my life at the loss of others in my family because they won't do the same as me. And it means I miss things, such as my step dad's 80th birthday this coming February and my favourite cousin's wedding in April.

It's the price I pay to not have horrible, mean, nasty, toxic people in my life.

And although missing these things makes me sad for the day, not having to deal with those people makes me happy for the rest of the year.

If you don,t frequent those threads I doubt you would be repeating yourself. Let's hope you never need anyone to empathise or sympathise or require something other than the doctor or advice to leave the bastard. Unnecessarily rude you could have achieved the same with no thread but for some reason you wanted one

I need a reason to start an AIBU thread now?

Is this a new rule?

I've not been told.

MN is about to get very very quiet if so.

And I meant the 100s of threads in Chat and AIBU all saying the same thing about inconsiderate/rude/what have you parents/in laws/children. I don't go any where near the support threads for reasons already stated.

And, no. I don't use MN for support. Because I don't put my private life on the internet to the extent that would be necessary to get support from a bunch of strangers online. I have people in real life for that.

Ooh

No 'sussing out' really, it is clear from your sneery tones.

No I don't think you should be shot, drawn or quartered.

You're probably not a horrible person either.

It is obvious that they way some people treat others is not okay and that 'putting up with it' is not okay, but no need to be so nasty to those people who are trying to cope with such situations currently.

I read what I like thanks, I don't need to be forced either way, I can read something I don't agree with and then comment as I see fit. I'm not so British that I cant speak up, speak in a whisper or whatever other rubbish you think defines british women based on your own experiences.

You probably have a lovely side, but you can come across as a right arsehole sometimes Tee.

Okay. Thanks for your opinion.

You're welcome.

I don't think that it's fair to berate Tee for starting this thread.

She isn't saying anything that many of us haven't thought at some point - and Xmas does bring a lot of these threads out as people visit family they avoid the rest of the year.

It's ok to ask, 'why do you put up with this shit?'

Some posters have taken the opportunity to ask how they can escape the toxic family they are stuck with - and Tee has been kind to them and offered advice.

I think half of the awful in law threads are exaggerated or made up actually.
I don't believe that anyone would sit there and take that type of shit.

Thanks ML. Some people need to put other people down to make themselves feel better. I know that.

I hope Amber feels better for getting that off her chest.

Some people need to put other people down to make themselves feel better. I know that

Oh the irony.

I hope Amber feels better for getting that off her chest

Feels better? I feel fine thanks! I did before I saw your thread, during and after.

Im happy with my lot so I don't come on MN to take my own shit out on others disguising it as opinion.

Oh so that's what I've done. See, it's a good thing you're here Amber to set me straight.

Thanks for the laugh. You're hysterical.

Sorry, I should just sit here being all meek and whispery shouldn't I? Then you can carry on being bitchy unchecked.

As you were.

Some how I don't think I'm the one who is being bitchy here, Amber. I certainly haven't called you any names.

In any case, I'm off to bed. Good night all.