Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

We get thankyou cards from all children after birthday parties round here. Family members are a bit more rubbish, my cousin writes thankyous for her family (her youngest is 8 so they are old enough to do it themselves), my brother and and SIL don't. As far as when you stop telling them to do it? Well DS was born (prematurely) in September and in October my Mum gave me a row for not having written thankyou letters yet. I'm 41. Think I might have to start saying 'Did DB receive his presents?' to her, he lives next to her so she doesn't know if they write letters or not.

I always write to thank for anything my girls receive (3.10 / 15 months) my eldest is now writing her name on them :)

I just do it because I think it's nice, my sister used to do it but has stopped...

I don't think an adult should force a child to say or write Thank You.

A child needs to be motivated themselves to this.

This did happen in our house recently - my 7 yo ds found a pack of thank you cards and wrote thank yous to all those who had attended his birthday party, un-prompted. This is far better for him long term than me forcing him to write thank you notes each time he's given a gift. Self-motivated and genuine. Before this age, I can't imagine he would have had the awareness.

However, I do know other people disagree. I've had complaints from my sister about a lack of thank you card.

So... do you give for the pleasure of giving, or give because you expect thanks?

But it's a little more complicated than that - I would say I give for the pleasure of giving, but if I am left wondering whether the gift was tossed straight in the bin or lost, then half of the pleasure is sucked out of the act of giving.

Giving to a charity gift collection (for example) is nice for the sake of it, because you know that someone who wouldn't ordinarily have a lot will now have something extra, and that's a good feeling. You don't need a thank you because you can be fairly sure it got there and that it made the recipient feel good in some way.

Giving to people who already have a lot, where you don't know whether or not your gift matters at all (or hasn't arrived and was expected), can be quite sad.

I ask my 3 (22 yrs, 19 years and 10 years) to email/phone or write their thankyous if relatives have gone to the trouble of getting them something.

They are polite kids and I don't have to remind them to thank people.

It doesn't take alot to contact by phone or letter and people appreciate it.

Totally agree. Personally I certainly don't "give for the pleasure of giving" to a child I don't know well who lives 300 miles away, who I see twice a year at most and who I don't see opening the present. It doesn't give me actual any joy if I don't hear back from her letting me know the present arrived and saying thank you for it. Thankfully her parents have taught her good manners and she phones up or writes a note and it is then lovely to hear from her and I am glad I gave her a present. This is completely different from giving to charity, when obviously you don't expect a personal thank you, but you are giving because you want to help people/animals and make their lives better.

I don't think it's as simple as "I don't see why children should be forced to say thank you if they don't mean it" either. No they might not mean it. But you still need to instill in them that sometimes we need to say things we don't mean. And then one day before too long hopefully they will write the damn thing or pick up of the phone off their own bat, because they too realise that good manners are important and they make people feel good.

Dads leading on Thank you letter insistence? In this house, not a chance. OTOH, he wasn't brought up to write them, doesn't write them himself, or expect them for the presents I bought wrapped and posted and thinks that if it bothers me then it is my problem, although he would always back me in insisting that they are done, but for me rather than because he cares, IYSWIM.

as long as it is personal I really don't mind what kind of thank you I get

what I do mind it the blanket 1 line email sent to multiple recipients

very rude IMO

Once they have started I don't think parents EVER stop reminding their children about manners. Just today my mum said "and make sure you send a nice card to granny x with a little letter in it" and I'm bloody mid (to late cough cough) twenties living hundred of miles away from her!

Hmmm. We were never brought up to write thank you letters, or even mention gifts afterwards, and were always very shy - it rarely occurred to us to blurt out anything or initiate conversations. Unfortunately as quiet and sensitive children it was a dreadful shock to be brought in front of our parents one evening and lectured about how all the aunts and uncles thought we were the most rude, ungrateful and thankless lot. The feeling of guilt and shame still lingers but as an adult I'm annoyed that we were expected to do these things but no one thought to teach us, buy the cards or paper, or schedule a sit-down-to-write time. It doesn't naturally occur to small children unless it's the parents' habit too.

DH was made to write Thank You cards, and now detests them. We got in hot water over our wedding because I naively assumed that I would take responsibility for writing those cards to our mutual friends, my friends and family, and he would take responsibility for his friends and family (who numbered over a hundred and were mostly invited by his parents, and who neither of us knew well or at all). I did some of his family, but had no addresses or names for the rest, so about a third of the wedding thank-you's didn't get done. Still feel awful, and we moved six months after and whatever was left to do got lost in the move.

Today I have written 27 Thank You cards on behalf of our 10-week old son, as soon as I received the packet . I have more to do tonight, and although I have ordered 40 I will probably renew the order after Christmas if he gets more gifts (he will). I hate feeling ashamed because I have failed expectations due to people-around-me's attitudes to thank-you's, i.e. expecting me to do them without making that expectation clear.

Mephistopheles "As an adult I do think they are very important, and feel a bit let down that my parents neglected to teach me this important lesson in courtesy. My own children will perhaps hate me for sitting them down and making the write thank-yous, but so so be it. I really do think that they are important."

This is what my post failed to say in three long paragraphs as eloquently as you did in three short sentences.

I still do thank you notes and make the DCs do them. I rarely get them from others.

What u find irritating s when my dad nags me to do a thank you card for someone when I am nearly 40 and he knows that I will do it. ( things just don't always get done now that minute when you ave 3DCs and a newborn)

Sorry not read the whole thread.

If me or my kids receive a present and we don't open it in front of the 'giver' then we send a thank you.

This could be a text, phone call, email or letter, it depends on the sender tbh.

I don't think that saying thankyou is an outdated courtesy !!

And I find it very rude when you go to a kids party and handover a present and never hear anything again (not opened in front of you), but thats a whole other thread!!

And of course you give a present and its a pleasure, you don't just give a present to receive the thanks, but its common courtesy to say thank you. Also if someone has sent something, if you don't send a thankyou (through whichever medium) then they will never know if you have received it or not.

I do like the idea of writing a thank you card or notelet. It takes more effort than an email or phone call and I think the gift giver really appreciates it. I think it's good to inculcate good manner in children too and the thank you letter/ note is a dying tradition...maybe cos of all the technology these days... I sound old, don't I?! LOL

Yabvu it is polite ad courteous to say thank you fr ANY gift your child receives. A phone call or an e mail would be fine, it is very rude nt to say anything at all. That small gift your child gets could be all the giver could afford

pigletmania - i agree about saying thank you for any gift or kindness. Trust me, my kids were saying please and think you right after learning 'mummy' and 'daddy'.

But if you're thinking of my comment about not all presents i am talking about when their nan used to give me a bag of buttons for them during the week or a neighbour would see me out with one of the DCs and route about in his pocket for a pound coin and say here fluffy's kid - buy yourself some sherbet. The DC or i would say thank you, of course, but we wouldn't follow up with an email or a letter!

IYSWIM.

We send thank you emails. Much easier, and seeing as even my 86yo Granny has email, why not?

I disliked doing them as a kid - in the same way I disliked homework - it got in the way of me doing my own thing. Now I'm an adult, I do them for the kids (2 & 6) and DD1 signs her's / writes the ones for close relatives. If I think if people have gone to the effort & expense of buying a gift, then the children should acknowledge their thanks - the taking the time to write the note is the bit children tend to remember and it made me realise (when I was about 8/9 that people probably even more than that amount of time to find something for me.) Currently I buy Decadry Postcards and print a current picture of the child on it but when they're bigger I'm sure emails or FB messages will take their place. I think it's particularly important for older friends and distant relatives who don't see the kids that often but still buy them gifts.

I still write thank you notes for my gifts & have a very generous aunt who won't get you a gift the following year if you don't send a thank you (as my sister found out during her adolescence). I do find it annoying that I have to drag even an sms thank you out of my nephews but do receive cards from quite few other kids friends.

Just because society is becoming ruder / more ungrateful doesn't mean that I'm going to go along with it. (In a similar vein, I get livid when people fail to RSVP! esp when there are at least four ways to do so these days so it doesn't even cost a stamp.)

I'd rather stop writing Christmas Cards (& am currently making a list of this year's ones received so I can cull some non-responders from my list - the cost of stamps is shocking) as most of the time they don't contain anything other than a signature.

This comes up really often on Mumsnet and people seem to feel strongly about it.

I always feel a little sad at my niece's thank you notes, which are utterly pointless one liners - I feel sad she has been forced to write them, not that she hasn't written more!

I like an email acknowledging the parcel arrived if I posted it, otherwise I don't want any thanks - lots of people do give because they like being thanked IMO - but in that case giving is all about the giver, which is not how it should be mother

I was forced to write thank you letters as a child, and was forced to make them proper letters with " a bit of news and why you liked the present" and had to start again if I made a spelling mistake or a blotch, and got shouted at if I messed up the layout on the envelope - I hated it so much I used to desperately hope that the godparents and old friends of my parents would just stop sending me the inevitable 5 pound WH Smiths voucher, I'd prefer to have missed out and been saved from writing the note!

My kids don't have to do it because for me it left a bitter aftertaste and tarnished the gifts - interestingly the only one of my kids who can so far write independently sometimes chooses to send a note and a picture thanking somebody for something - she's never been forced to, I've never even suggested it in passing, she wants to, and it actually means something then, which is a million times better IMO!

My girls receive a packet of Thank You note cards in their stocking every year. They have always written joint thank yous and those seem to be received well. Reminds me, I must buy some for this tear....

Year

I was forced to write thank you letters as a child, and was forced to make them proper letters with " a bit of news and why you liked the present" and had to start again if I made a spelling mistake or a blotch, and got shouted at if I messed up the layout on the envelope

UKgrinch - that's my experience as well :( Although i wasn't shouted out. Definately tutted at over envelope issues though, yes, and warned about wasting paper if i got it wrong. It wasn't a pleasant experience.

Although i say i 'force' mine into their letters it's always been done with good humour. Once they've sat down and started together they do have a giggle and when they were little i didn't make a fuss if they messed up.

Some posters have said they wouldn't feel it was a genuine thank you if the child had been badgered into writing the note. Therefore rendering it a pointless exercise. See - I wonder about this too. This is another reason why i was wobbling about making mine continue to write ones to the families that never bother themselves. Are they secretly thinking 'oh FGS, fluffy's forced her kids into writing pointless notes again!'

You know what? Having written that i'm thinking that feeling is stemming from the fact that my ex's family all thought i was 'stuck up' and 'up myself' for having kids with manners and a routine, and they didn't try to hide that fact from me at all :(

(whole other thread there)

Well they dont have to write a letter as such, phone, text, e mail etc will do. It's just good manners to do so, you want your children to be polite don't you! Des not matter wht everybody else is doing. Even as adults I wld still remind my kids.