Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

I'm not against saying thankyou. I don't think thank you letters are about saying thank you in a lot of cases, where children are made to write them it is not genuine thanks, and I know I as a child wished old friends of my parents would stop sending me token presents as I hated writing the letters (but my mother was a perfectionist about them being my best writing, no mistakes, "news plus why you liked the present" etc. - maybe if she'd been happy for me to scrawl "Thanks for the present, Love Grinch" I wouldn't have minded at all :)

My memories of receiving presents as a child are tied to the memory of my mum making a big deal writing what it was and from whom "for the thank you letter" as we went along, so the thought of writing the letter was there the whole time and tarnished any enjoyment of the present. I would rather not play friendship politics or tit for tat games using my kids and their presents (nor my freinds' kids, nor those of extended family) as pawns, and thank you letters seem from a lot of posts to be part of this "game".

I don't think writing thank you letters means your child has manners not that not writing them means they don't, forced or emotionally blackmailed writing of a thank you letter does not a child with good manners make :) I think thank you letters from children are most likely all about the parent.

I think i get what you're saying Grinhc. I too can remember sitting down to write the thank you letters when i was younger and it not being what i would have chosen to do perhaps but because we were bought up to always remember our manners, although i might not have enjoyed doing the letters, even as a young girl as still wanted to do them as I knew that saying thank you was the polite thing to do.
Perhaps we've got too relaxed about manners in general and that's why some of our DCs wouldn't automatically think to write or call to say thank you.
That's why some people let you hold the door open for them and not say thank you, accept the cup of tea with no thanks, ask for something without the word 'please'.

i don't care if i'm old fashioned, the last one standing or ridiculed by others, i will instill manners on my children so that they become sceond nature. Actually, I think they already are.

Thank you for reading my post

You are welcome McKenzie :)

My kids have manners, say please and thank you more than is the norm in the culture we live in, ask before they take things etc. etc. etc. but I'm not going to make them write thank you letters, ever :) However if they choose to write a letter (of any kind, and they sometimes do) I always help them find the address and post it :) I really don't want to receive sad little forced thank you notes, I'd rather the kids I care about get on with having fun and playing with the toys I send them, and don't have the bitter after taste of a miserable rainy Wednesday after Christmas anxiously chewing their pen and hoping they haven't misspelt Dear again :o

I email to acknowledge receipt and say thank you, but I'm not playing "my kid is better brought up than yours" games or using my children to oil the wheels of my own friendships or relationships with extended family, if people think we are rude they are probably the ones sending the presents that are not bought with love for the individual child in mind but simply to tick another name off the list.

Ah, the Annual Christmas Thankyou Letter Threads have begun. Time to crack open the Mince Pies.

I do not expect thank you letters or notes from friends or relatives, but a thank you in person or over the phone or text message is absolutely fine.

I write thank yous, because I was brought up similarly to you, op, by the sounds of it!

I'm still pissed off that DH has not written thank yous to his work colleagues for gifts they sent when dd was born in July. His family do not write them, and, tbh, I think it's shocking bad manners.

When dd is old enough I will insist she writes them, but I suspect her dad will not.

I really don't want to receive sad little forced thank you notes, I'd rather the kids I care about get on with having fun and playing with the toys I send them, and don't have the bitter after taste of a miserable rainy Wednesday after Christmas anxiously chewing their pen and hoping they haven't misspelt Dear again

I see what you're saying here and you certainly describe a picture full of pathos , but not every child finds writing difficult and a chore. I know some do, but most don't. Writing shouldn't be presented as an evil exercise but a necessary part of life which can be fun. Obviously if it's different if some martinet is standing over them bellowing the niceties of grammar and spelling, but a little letter with spelling mistakes in is kind of sweet.

What The Grinch says. As a child, the spectre of thank you letters loomed over the whole of Christmas. When I give a present I want the donee to enjoy it, not think "oh no, I have to write another thank you letter". A text or email from parent and.or child to acknowledge receipt if I was not actually there at the time would be appreciated but NOT mandatory...

I am a stickler for thank you letters. I see it as a way of a child seeing the importance of consideration and appreciation of another's generosity. I take time choosing presents and I do think it is nice for a thank-you letter to acknowledge that - otherwise i think it is teaching a child to take material things for granted. We always do thank-you letters but a friend gets her children to make phone calls - which is really nice. I think it is just good manners to make a personal approach.

I hate thankyou texts - fine as a quick on the day interim but feels utterly lazy to me. I like to make cards with a picture of DS in front of the Christmas tree/wearing Santa hat/whatever - simple and inexpensive, just print the pics off and stick them on front of plain cards from Hobbycraft. DS has only just started school so this year I'll get him to sign them (in the past i've always handwritten a note myself).

I also don't much letters knocked up in Word with no absolutely NO personalisation, especially for older children. A spot of handwriting please!

I was at a friend's house recently and she had all of my cards on her fridge - made me feel that people really DO appreciate a bit of effort.

(though i have to admit, I found a few from his birthday in March that i'd forgotten to send recently...I'm not as Stepford Wives as I sound!).

I don't think anyone is insisting on a thank you letter penned in copperplate writing covering at least three pages. Of course if you see someone whilst they open their present a follow-up note isn't required.

But if you have sent a present it beggars belief that so many people can't be arsed to acknowledge it, even with a three word text.

I HATE the "why should I?" attitude that quite a few parents seem to proudly encourage .

Yanbu. I don't do written a 'thank you' . Verbally thanking someoneyes absolutely adequate, IMO.

They should ALWAYS do a thank you card till about 16... And phone to thank the people on the day too !!!!

You're right, Grinch. Stuck up is wrong. They just think I am strange, I suspect. Which I am, probably.

It's baby's first Christmas this year so I expect we'll get a lot of gifts. I will write thank you notes to anyone who gives us something as I think it will mean something being the first one. However, I'm only going to continue ths tradition with family members as baby grows up. If this means certain people will get offended and not buy anything in subsequent years, I really don't care. Christmas present (and card) giving shouldn't be about reciprocity.

I stopped sending my goddaughter presents when she was about 6 or 7 (she is now 12) as I never once received a thank you note from her or her parents. Sporadically I feel bad about this - especially as I rarely see her - and I will recommence in the future once I know more about what she's interested in etc, but it really really rankled that I could never be sure that posted presents had ever arrived and it basically felt like I was pouring gifts into a black and unappreciative hole. I am quite old fashioned on things like this though and I do make my kids do thank you letters / write them for them. I still do thank you cards for the older rellies in my family for presents I receive although younger friends and relatives generally get a phone call, text, email or whatever. The points about making the kids write the letters is getting into the routine of doing it I think.

I was brought up to write thank you letters which usually went as follows,
Dear X,
Thank you for the . I love the , I can't wait to use . This year to celebrate I/we

IMO, the best 'thank you' you can possibly get from someone is in person, as you can see their body language and facial expression as they say the words, and you can genuinely appreciate that they acknowledge you. Not so easy with a letter, text, or telephone call.

Definitely. I think it's basic good manners. I try not to be sniffy about people who don't do it, though.

I find it offensive when people don't say thank you at all by any means - I mean, come on, a text? How hard is that?

Also bit surprised at how many people find writing them a chore. I think it's quite fun, but we're still at the glitter and stickers stage.

We always had to do them religiously when we were children. It was the great negative chore looming over the Christmas holidays as far as I can remember.

We do encourage our DCs to do them (it is only polite) but it's just another thing stacked up to get them to do....But conscience always pricked if we accidentally on purpose forget about them....

I used to send them to great-aunts. Then when I got a job I started buying them little token gifts and they never send me a note so I stopped

For DS' birthday I sent thank you messages via text, email and facebook.

I remember having to write great long letters saying thank you and what we had been up to etc....hated it and they always took ages (then my DM would forget to post them for weeks anyway or we would be waiting for one of my siblings to finish ). My DCs will be writing short cards but will definitely be doing it - as others have said, it focuses their mind on the gift-giver and I think makes them more appreciative.

I never got one from my godson for either birthday or Christmas, no acknowledgement that he even received them. It grated a bit, but I kept giving - but stopped when he turned 16. I don't expect them and rarely receive them - but like the idea of sending them. Would never never expect one for a new-baby present though, the mother has enough on her hands!!!

I think thank you notes are lovely and will try my hardest to get my son to write his when he's old enough...only 12mo at moment!

So I have written thank you notes to everyone who sent him a birthday present and will do the same for all the Christmas presents.

I do get very annoyed when I send presents in the post to my two nieces (7 and 2) and get no thank you at all, not even a text from their parents. How do I know if the present even arrived, was appropriate?