Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

I do think notes are a bit old fashioned but each to their own but of course a thankyou is always needed I just dont think we need to sit with quill and ink writing out notes,

But it's just so nice to get a letter from someone rather than a text, especially for an older person. Some things are definitely worth hanging onto, and saying thank you in person/by letter/via a special phone call for a present is certainly one of them. Children should be taught manners.

I send thank yous on behalf of my children (2.5 and 1 yr). I dont endlessly write notes though, I generally get pictures of them from the day (ie opening christmas presents or blowing out birthday candles) and send one to everyone with Thank you, love xxx on the back.

Its a bit more personal, but at the same time doesnt take me hours (we have a big family)

Incidentally, my mum always asks i've done them and sent to various aunties, but I dont ever recall seeing her receive one from any of my cousins

We did receive a very naice one from OH posh cousin after her 21st. We sent her a £10, and received a note back to say she was putting it towards funding for a charity trip to peru to build a bridge. It was very specific!

I have a hierarchy on thank-you notes.
If I've seen the recipient open the present, I don't expect one at all and wouldn't be at all offended if they didn't send one.

If I've left the present to be opened at a later point, I don't especially expect recognition but it's nice to know whether they liked it - if the parents mention at some point to me that 'Oh by the way, Octavian really liked the Elgin Marbles lego set' then that's fine. Nice to get a text or a card though.

If I've posted the present and taken out a second mortgage to pay the postage then I feel a 'thank you' of any sort - email, text, card, carrier pigeon - is the least they can do: as well as anything else, I want to know it arrived!

DD is 2 so I write to everyone regardless and get her to scribble a signature. Generally we get thank-yous from family (who fall into the first category) and a big fat nothing from the people we post to - surely some mistake?

I think a spoken thank you in person or over the phone is perfectly good enough.

I find them excessive at times, some people send them for every little thing...then you get the guilt when you realise you didn't seen a card that time in 1994 when Aunty X gave your LO a tissue Well you know what I mean.

My DS is only 9m but I won't be doing this tradition, a thank you will always be given but I think a call/text from me will be sufficient if he doesn't see the face to face.

I've usually done phone calls to say thanks, but started doing cards because MIL is fanatical about them and actually the reaction from recipients has been so lovely that I prefer to do cards now but won't tell MIL that maybe she was right this time.

All these children/babies who have parents doing it for them, why on earth can't they write them themselves. The children in our family walked out of the womb quoting Shakespeare, singing arias and able to do joined up handwriting :)

I write thank you letters, and the DCs now do theirs uncomplainingly.

I see it as basic manners to thank appropriately (and psychologists describe it as part of the reciprocity of "social exchange" that binds communities together).

A thank you letter will please everyone (and indeed delight many) and thus is the best and safe bet option. Thanks by other media may be acceptable to some present-givers. Even the total absence of thanks will be weathered.

My DD is only a baby (sadly of the non Shakespeare quoting kind ) but I will be sending Thank you cards on her behalf this Christmas. When she is old enough I will be forcing encouraging her to write her own. I think it's polite and bugs me no end that we've never once had one from either of our nephews, especially the one that doesn't live with SIL and BIL so we don't usually see him open his Christmas and birthday gifts.

I was made to write thank you notes as a child and can understand now why my parents made us do it.

this has been annoying me. i have given it some thought.

time and technology have moved on. why not use your phones, take a photograph of the child opening or using the gift and send it directly with a 'thank you!' tag? that would be fun and would include the giver in the christmas experience.

I think they are important because its difficult for (my) children to appreciate how much trouble was taken when the present was bought/sent. Often they are received from an older relative who the children don't see that often, and, the present can get lost in the pile. Sitting down for a minute or two to draw a picture/sign a card/post a letter doesn't take that long. Having said that, I think a phone call from a child or a chatty email are also fine.

We will be doing thank yous here. I feel your pain but I think it's important.

It is important. Not just for the recipient of the thank you card, but also writing it teaches a child the importance of valuing the person who gave them a gift. If I get a text from a child's parent, then the child is not involved at all in thanking me, and they learn nothing. Doesn't have to be an essay, but a couple of handwritten lines from a child is so lovely to receive.

I don't care about the format, but I do care about saying 'thank you'. I think it is important to let people know that you have received and appreciate their present. If they care enough about me to send me a gift, then saying 'thank you' is the least I can do.

Unfortunately, as I grow older the number of presents grows smaller and I have to write fewer letters .

I think it is important. Email, text, phone-call or letter, there should always be an acknowledgment that a gift has been received.

Mine do them, but I cannot, cannot bear the hassle from older relatives (via my mother). "Oooh, Auntie Edna wanted to know if her cheque arrived safely, as she hadn't had a thank you letter from the girls." Yes, yes it arrived yesterday. The girls are in the last week of term frenzy and I have five people descending on me for a week over Christmas, so the thank you letter has not been foremost in my mind. But I will get this call every few days until the sodding thing has been posted and received, and even then, there will be something wrong with it "Oooh, Auntie Edna said that DD2's handwriting/spelling sin't very neat/good. She would have expected better. Oooh, Auntie Edna was disappointed with the school photos you enclosed. Why aren't they in uniform? And she thought DD1 was looking very plain and a bit spotty..."

I would quite like, at this point, to tell Auntie Edna (via my mother) to go fuck herself and her fiver, but that is not on. The letters will be written, but on not the day the gift was received. OK?

How can good manners be old fashioned or outdated? You wouldn't dream of not thanking someone if they'd given you a present so why should kids be any different? I never used to like writing thank you letters and I know my DD doesn't but after someone has gone to the trouble to choose something she'd like I think it's the very least she can do and I know some relatives really like getting them.

We only do it for people who weren't there when the present was opened though because those who are there see how pleased she is with it and she thanks them at the time, and I've relaxed a bit and allowed her to type the letters rather than laboriously handwriting them. I may even let her email or text some people (only those who wouldn't see that as bad manners) this year but it's the thanking that's the important thing and I'll always make sure she does that in one form or another.

I do thank you cards but it was drummed into me as a child. I do them for DD but as she is now 3.8 and loves doing smiley faces, I suspect that will be her signature until she gets bored.

I even write thank you notes to the host & hostess if we have been somewhere for dinner. It really was drummed into me as a child but I was weird, I loved writing them, sometimes they went on for pages.

I do get my dd to write thank you cards bit in all fairness though she says thank you when she's given it, thank you again at the end of the party/ gathering. She gives a kiss and a cuddle and says thank you and if I don't see the person after the event they are thanked when they give it and I text or call to say thank you. Really don't understand why they need yet another thank u in paper form.

Well I really admire you getting all your children to do this. I have an uphill struggle getting my one DD to do it, and it gets harder every year.

In the past few years it's got so difficult I find it's easier to get her to do ONE letter in black felt tip along the lines of "That you so much for your lovely gift, I had a wonderful Christmas and I hope you did too/I had so much fun on my birthday. She also does some colourful illustration in felt tip.

I take this to the local print shop and get however many colour copies I need.

Then I get her to write "Dear Auntie Blah"/friend/whoever on each copy in black felt tip.

I address the envelopes, stuff, stamp and post.

Job done!

The fact that she only has to do one letter means she will often make a real effort, it prints well and looks really nice. Usually costs about £6 excluding postage.

My DD is 3. Started this on her last birthday, we spent a morning making little cards, sticking and bits of glitter!

I wrote them.

Won't do thank yous for christmas pressies, as we see everyone, but will continue to do them for birthdays.

A gift received and opened in person - verbal thanks perfectly fine. But it's when I've posted something and don't hear if it's even arrived, that really annoys. I don't mind if it's a text, email etc. but feel it is the most basic courtesy to simply acknowledge receipt. And I LOVE the idea of the picture on the phone - brilliant.