Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

I also had it drummed into me to write thank you letters. I recall having to write every single thank you letter for our wedding presents (over 50). I left my husband only six to do as I had never met these friends of his. Despite my reminding him he never did write saying, "It doesn't matter, they won't mind." When, after six months these generous friends began to inquire as to whether we had even received the presents, I had a call from my mother-in-law asking what had happened. I explained that her son hadn't bothered to write and out of sheer embarrassment I found myself writing the remaining letters making up some excuse about both of us thinking the other had written...It was my mother-in-law who said, "I'm afraid that's my fault. I never made him write thank you letters as a child." I found myself doing everything for him as he'd never been made to put himself out for anyone but still expected things done for him at the same time. I eventually got tired of having to do everything for him when by then I already had two small children who really were helpless and we are now divorced! Needless to say, my children, aged 4 and 6, write their thank you letters!

Depends on the age of the children. We (parents) say thank you to relatives and friends who give DC (7 and 4) presents as DC still believe Santa brings them.

My son writes thank you notes - partly to practise his writing (he's 7) and partly because I think a written thank you, perhaps with a few little drawings is nice to receive when most of the stuff coming through the letterbox these days are bills.

When my husband's nieces and nephew hit their teens, the thank yous stopped (not even a phone call, never mind a note) so we stopped sending them presents. Now that they are older again (18 - 27) we've virtually lost direct contact with them as they only text and they are always changing phones/numbers to keep up with their mates. I was "friends" with two of them on Facebook but I wasn't impressed with what I read (or the grammar or the spelling, but that's another matter) so I'm not any more. Obviously we know how they are through brother in law/mother in law but whilst I may sound old-fashioned and fuddy duddy about the whole thing, it's easy to lose touch altogether if you don't remain in contact even if it's only at Christmas.

Yes MadBoys I've always felt that getting the DC's to make cards either for birthdays etc or as thank-you's has been good for their developing writing and creative skills - Great opportunity for "writing for a purpose" and to have their efforts appreciated by others. Win, Win all round ( though doesn't mean it always happens - but sometimes is much better than never )

I received a handwritten thank-you note yesterday (very rare these days although I organize many things). I was massively pleased.

If you want to stand out in a positive way, please keep writing them. And teach your children too.

A handwritten card to say thanks takes time and thought - which is why it is so lovely to receive, particularly from a child.

They are certainly becoming rarer (but please, not outdated) however this won't dissuade me from bringing my own DC up to write their own. As said throughout the thread, it is good manners and will bring joy to the recipient. Why would you consciously not do so?

My dc have never written thank you letters, but have thanked verbally for every single birthday present.
Christmas is different because all their presents come from Father Christmas not family, so they couldn't thank, but I always did. I also explained about why dc weren't thanking them. It has worked out well because the older 2 now 21 and 17 know exactly what other people bought and are very grateful. I don't think thank you notes are important, but being thankful and showing gratitude face to face is important. You can see in somebodys face and eyes when they are truly thankful.

We've started to send them now my oldest daughter is 4.5. It helps with her vocabulary and writing skills. It also shows other relatives how she is developing now that she has been at school since September. I'm not sure if it something we'll keep up for ever but whilst the children enjoy it we will. If not we would get the children to at least say thank you. Some sort of acknowledgement should be made

We send them from dd 5 and I expect them.

Our DC start writing TY notes as soon as they can write their name and gradually increase to full sentences. We do a couple every day and while there is initial resistance on occasion, they are quite cheerful about it and understand that it is a nice thing to do when someone has gone to so much trouble and expense.
I'm sure the recipients appreciate it and I appreciate the drastic improvement to their handwriting by the end of the TY list, a good things for 3 DS whose penmanship isn't always exemplary.
I intend to carry on until they leave home and do not quite understand why no one else seems to do it. The alternative here is for the present to be taken away.

Bangoff what if they are quite happy for the present to be taken away? Maybe that will happen more later... my godfather sent me earrings for pierced ears every birthday from when I was 8 or 9, my mum wouldn't let me have my ears pierced til I was 16, but she made me write a thank you letter and wouldn't let me tell him I didn't have pierced ears every year for 7 or 8 years!! (She wouldn't let me have my ears pierced in order to wear them either, I did try suggesting that :o ) Those and the strange gift packs of unpleasant smelling old lady body lotion and soap, the handkerchiefs and the fluffy socks and slippers I would have sacrificed happily, leaving me with only about 1/3 of the stupid letters to write ... :)

BangOffTrend you're going to carry on until they leave home???? At 18 or so??

Good luck with that one. I can only imagine my DSs reaction to being told he had to sit down for some supervised letter writing

TheUKGrinchImGluhweinkeller when I was a child the people that were absolute sticklers for TY letters were the ones that gave the worst presents too! Thoughtless, inappropriate gifts for small children that I found it impossible to feel genuine gratitude for at the age of 7 or so. I wrote the letters of course but it did all feel very businesslike.

The best gifts by far came from the people who loved me and bought presents they knew I'd love.

Funnily enough they preferred a phone call to a TY card.

Exactly Jins - on all your points :o

agreed with you morethanpotatoprints.

Sorry, Jins, that's crap. So a thank you is only necessary when you actually like the present and feel the giver has scored a hit. Great message to your kids. Don't bother thanking 88-year-old Great Aunt Bertha for the hat and gloves set because you don't like them.

Sigh.

OK, maybe this is going off topic a bit, but what if you're the giver?

Genuinely interested in opinions here - if you don't get an acknowlegement of any kind (no phone call, no note, no casual mention in conversation), should you infer that your present was a pile of crap, they hate what you gave them, and it will make everyone happier if you don't bother next year?

(kind of hoping for a yes as it's going to save me a fortune next year if so)

vlad - yes, I would assume that my offering was not appreciated. I wouldn't stop sending a gift after one missed thank you (because life and the Royal Mail do sometimes get in the way of the best intentions) but repeatedly failing to thank me would definitely mean that I'd give up trying to please them in the end.

LettyAshton Wed 19-Dec-12 18:12:23
*I don't think anyone is insisting on a thank you letter penned in copperplate writing covering at least three pages. Of course if you see someone whilst they open their present a follow-up note isn't required.

But if you have sent a present it beggars belief that so many people can't be arsed to acknowledge it, even with a three word text*

+1 to this. I don't expect an elaborate letter penned in gold ink. I do want to know that a gift I have spent money on and made an effort in choosing has been received by the niece/ nephew/ whoever. And yes, I have dropped people, who cannot be arsed to make the effort to even send a text to acknowledge a gift. If that makes me a miserable oul git, so be it.

Can't read then?

Sigh

Everyone was thanked. I said it was hard to express genuine gratitude at 7 and it was

I was never expected to write thank you letters as a child so I have not expected my children to do it. The exception would be if they received a gift from someone they didn't actually get to see in person.

That is not to say they do not thank people, genuinely and profusely - they do. But the idea of going away and a writing letter of thanks for a gift that was received in person, and the person thanked at the time is a bit archaic and pointless to me - all about some weird, crusty, mechanical sense of etiquette and not about true thanks at all.

The exception would be if they received a gift from someone they didn't actually get to see in person.

But of course the telephone suffices just as well for that.

I think sending the thank you's to the rellies with children that don't do it is even more important. Might teach them some manners! I don't think it has to in the form of hand written note to make life easier and less of a chore but it's the principle. I'd certainly remember a thank you from a child for gift than one that didn't. My son is 4 and I currently write the notes and get him to put his scrawl oops name on the bottom. ( god it's boring isn't it ?)but I think it teaches manners. This year a friend did some cupcakes and I took those round and son in tow instead of letters as a thank you. X

I think it's good manners to say 'thank you'. I think it is stuffy, pointless etiquette to insist/expect that it should be done in written form.

This thread is not about thanks in person/ phone calls/ text or email from child's parents though, it's about thank you letters - I don't think one single person has said they don't convey thanks, the debate is whether children have to be forced to write a letter (and to me that means they are forced to write an actual letter, the old fashioned thank you letter I was made to write as a child was thanks for named present, why you liked the present (with it being absolutely against the rules even to hint that the present was something you couldn't use, or 5 years too old or young for you etc) and then some separate "news" - that is a "letter" not a quick note or a name signed below a photo).

As giver I feel sad for my niece, who is forced to write these letters, and I don't make my children write them, it was a horrible chore as a child.

People are twisting the topic in the interest of being "right" and trying to extrapolate from being against forcing children to write a letter thanking each and every giver for each and every gift, to saying that if you are against thank you letters you are against sending a text or saying thank you in person. This is of course nonsense .

Some presents take less time and effort to chose and send than the thank you letters take to write, some givers just grab any old 3 for 2 offer or a batch of identical books and send them out to the children of rarely seen old friends or extended family without even remembering the exact ages of the children and bothering to think about whether the gift is appropriate. To some people a few pounds for a gift is no pain, though to others it is. It is not actually true that every present has cost the giver time and money and attention, many gifts are dispatched in the name of "duty" or because it's "expected" - if not sending thank you notes breaks that cycle,, then great :)