Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

I agree with cat girl. Yes, say thank you on phone, but really not that much effort to put pen to paper after someone had bought wrapped and posted a present. Mine aren't allowed to just phone, out has to be a proper letter.

My children always have sent thank you letters, I always did and still do unless I was able to thank the person in person, when I opened the gift.

Not only does it help literacy skills but it is polite and shows good manners. I have never received a thank you from my sister in law and her children unless we were there in person and I just find it rude.

My Mum stopped when we hit secondary school but would remind us that if we didn't thank we wouldn't get again from her family (so I probably did write them due to greed at first). When my Gran died (my Dad's mum) she had kept all of my letters including the other letters I had sent. According to the nursing home she used to re read them all the time. It made me feel very grateful that something that was so little effort for me was treasured so much by some one.

When my Gran died (my Dad's mum) she had kept all of my letters including the other letters I had sent. According to the nursing home she used to re read them all the time.

Yes, i remember my dad showing me a case full of notes and letters my nan had kept till her death too. This was not long before i started having my own children and is allot to do with why i then passed the habit (i have even though they don't realise it yet) on to them.

When i said in my OP about letters for the presents that cost allot or had taken allot of thought i meant proper birthday or xmas prezzies. Not the odd bar of chocolate or pound coin that might get given or passed on at random. I wouldnt expect my DCs to write a thank you letter for something like that, no.

Good manners are indeed never out of date. My title was referring to letters and notes in particular really.

DC have to write thank you notes, though I offer them the option to say thank you by phone instead, which they rarely take up. I think they should acknowledge having received a present from someone and not to do so is rude and ungrateful. I tell DC if they can't thank someone for their present, it will either go back to the sender or to the charity shop.

I reluctantly buy presents for other people's DC who don't say thank you but no so secretly think the children and/or parents are rude and will stop as soon as they are old enough to be expected to write them off their own bat.

Even if a child has SN or writing difficulties, it might be nice to select your favourite Christmas picture of them, print it off, and write a few lines on the back. It won't take more than a few minutes.
Fed up with not knowing if my sisters kids received/liked the generous vouchers we have sent for the last few years, we made the decision to spend the money on buying gifts for kids at a women's refuge. (Someone posted a john lewis link on MN)
We didn't do it for the thank you, but in the hope that a couple of hundred pounds would make more of a difference for kids in less privileged situations.

Is a text sufficient?

Ouch I have been shamed! Having 5 kids including toddler twins, plus a horrid bunching of all the birthdays around Christmas, oh yes also major family dramas / house moves for three Christmases in a row, I have failed failed failed at Thank You notes. TBH when the kids got unwrapping, what with everything else going on (such as potty training, MIL tut tutting at the chaos rather than helping, phone calls from rellies thanking us for gifts!!) it was impossible to keep tabs on what was for who and from who.

The only sensible step I could think of was to tell my family to go easy on the presents as we already had most things and we'd rather have them coming and spending time playing with us than extra stuff and logistics.

So this year maybe I am inspired to start again, more slowly, make the list of what's for who and DON'T let it get recycled with the wrapping paper!!!

But definitely by text / phone / facebook rather than letters !!

LongStory, try getting the kids to take turns opening when you're all sat down. That way you can keep track, keep a list and put it somewhere safe

Though with five children and lots of birthdays over Christmas you have my admiration!

Personally I don't think a text is enough. But that's just me. Other people will think differently. I have argued with people on wedding list threads before and been called grabby, illb-bred, grasping and ill mannered so I do appreciate the irony of me offering etiquette opinions

As a child I was never made to write thank you notes. But then, my siblings and I never really received gifts from anyone outside our immediate family (who we were likely to see in person to thank), - perhaps the two were related ?.

As an adult I do think they are very important, and feel a bit let down that my parents neglected to teach me this important lesson in courtesy. My own children will perhaps hate me for sitting them down and making the write thank-yous, but so so be it. I really do think that they are important.

Someone further back on this thread mentioned that psycologists recognise in it a reciprocal exchange. A gift followed by a thank you, is a healthy way to build and maintain relationships. This holds true for me. What is a letter if not an extremely personal gift? It costs nothing but a bit of time and can mean so much. Whilst we don't always (ever?) 'give in order to receive', the old adage that it is 'the thought that counts' is not entirely honest either. When we give and receive gifts we forge bonds and place expectations upon one another. A thank you note is an acknowledgement of those bonds and expectations.

Whilst a phonecall or a text/e-mail may be an acceptable alternative sometimes, the gift of a letter is just so much more generous and genuine.

Great post Mephistopheles.

And your children definitely won't hate you for it . We can certainly fuck our kids up, but not through making them write thank you letters.

ArielTheBahHumbugMermaid thank you ah, but if only that was all I was doing wrong .

I suppose that in fairness I should add that on the receiving end I tend not to resent not receiving thank yous, but definitely get a warm glow when I do get one.

I will probably morph into the batty-hoarding-type-baggage in my old age too, as I have a shoe box brimming with cards/letter/thank-yous already

Ariel I have been reading your comments on this thread thinking "Oh My, how would she deal with the chaos that I am daily trying to keep on top of". I do agree with you on taking turns - and that is what we do try but there is usually a lot of presents and not enough time in the day (DH works on Christmas day, it's also his birthday, and we go to Church)!

Taking turns is something one of my twins is still working on - the others are very patient with him but he still has no self control and any occasion can quickly deteriorate if I so much as blink, let alone go to the toilet.

I can't even leave a pen loose around the house, at this stage (or a laptop or phone within reach), so etiquette is a million miles from here.

Ah well, I shall aspire, but for now I will try hard but not be too unforgiving on myself, and focus on the priorities of loving my children and providing for them. The older ones may not have perfect manners but they will be great babysitters and negotiators in the future!!

I offer the choice of phoning as the givers would relish the chance to speak to DC on the phone and having a little chat would show more effort on the DC's part than sending a letter. Which is why they always send letters.

DC have birthdays 2 weeks apart so I buy cards and one DC writes on one side and then passes it to the other DC to write their message on the other side, which saves on postage. And I think they look cute.

I've always tried to involve them and really make sure they know who sent what. When they were younger they would draw a picture with Thank you written at the top and I'd scan it in, then print out lots of copies and write on each what I was thanking them for. One year we cut out letters from a magazine and stuck them on paper to spell Thank you. I hope they carry on when I stop forcing them to.

I always make dd write thank you notes, as it's good manners and I think manners are important. But I'm not at all bothered if I don't receive them from other people's children - If i even thought about it, I would just assume they were busy or didn't get round to it. I am a bit to know that some people would stop giving gifts if they didn't receive a thank you note. For me, the pleasure in giving a gift is in making the recipient happy, and not in any gratitude that they might express as a result.

We always do and I will nudge the boys to do it for as long as they need judging :-)

I started a thread about this some time back and got flamed for saying that I expect thank-you notes from my assorted nieces and nephews - where were all the people on this thread then?! I'm glad there seem to be plenty of people out there who agree with me that thank-you notes are good manners.

Dcs have to write thank you letters and that's that. If someone has gone to the trouble of buying them a gift, then the least they can do is sit down and write a thank you! I buy boxes of notelets and the 3 Dcs divide up the task, with one writing a short message and the other two counter signing. They are now 22, 19 and 10 and I would be ashamed of the lot of them if thank you's weren't written and sent.

Alex so sorry to hear that you got flamed. This comes up every once in a while, I think. Opinion is very divided and sometimes I am too distracted bullying my children into writing thank-yous to be able contribute to the debate

also [having seen the Asda ad] I'm not taking on Christmas tasks this year unless things are run equally. So ... I'm wondering ... in any houses are the Dads likely to be leading on the thank you letters insistence?

When I say etiquette, I mean it ironically. I see thank you notes as a really really different thing to the tortuous contortions some MNers twist themselves into regarding weddings for example. One should never, ever, ever send a list with an invitation apparently. Guests should apparently be able to guess which member of the Organising Committee is the one to hand it out should they be asked but you should never let them know who this mysterious person is. One should never, ever ever drop a hint that what you'd appreciate most is a cheque for the honeymoon fund apparently. One should never, ever, ever have a cash bar at your reception. One should never ever ever issue evening-only invitations. You should always always always say that any single person who is coming should be allowed to bring someone neither you or your intended knows, even if they are not actually with the said person at the time of issue. And at no point during proceedings are you allowed to say haitch lest you sound common and uneducated

Christmas thank you letters are a simple and joyous thing in comparison.

I was always told to write thank you letters, especially as we lived a long way from all the family so we didn't see them face to face.

I have sent thank you notes for my DD for her gifts when she was born, her birthday and Christmas, I didn't write an essay just a few lines to acknowledge the fact people had bothered to choose and post a present.

I hate not having gifts I have given acknowledged, I don't care how it is done, a thanks when I hand a gift over, or a text or FB message or phone call all count it doesn't have to be a letter but my cousin's boys have never said thank you,(nor has my cousin) for the gifts I have sent them both for christmas every year.

I guess I currently feel that they are too young to have to go without because their parents lack manners! My mum never gets a thank you either for what she gives them.

M dcs are still too young, but I take a photo of them opening the given present. Then send it like a postcard with thank you on it. Written by me at the mo. but dcs when older.
Much better than spending ages writing and the sender gets to see them opening it!

Ariel

I read your post and reviewed my wedding...

Wedding list - check
Cash Bar - check
Evening only invites - check
Not inviting some random never met before boyfriend - check

will stop derailing thread now!

Our children always write thank you cards to any relatives that sent them a present. Would seem very rude not to .

(Last post on the topic - vix, I was guilty of every single wedding misdemeanor as well. And I say haitch)