Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

I don't expect thank you letters from children's parents I've sent off presents to. Getting a verbal thanks or email is good enough for me. I never had to write them as a child - I just said 'thanks' in person, or my parents said thanks on my behalf...

I do think that it would become a chore to write letters for each and every friend or relative a child gets a gift from. Life is too short! My goodness, they'd never leave the kitchen table if it was my two DC!! They'd be stuck at the table all the Festive season just writing out letters. To me, that just sounds cruel. All that time writing out letters, instead of just enjoying the gifts they've received.....

I was expected to sit down and write Thank you letters for gifts; to the parents of friends when I stayed overnight and for any event where someone made an effort on my behalf. My 20 year old daughter also had this inculcated from an early age so that ithas become habit. It is not a chore but a reciprocal act that provides a tangible expression of gratitude and provides a connection to another individual. It's a positive stroke and reinforces basic courtesies which do seem lacking in many areas. I think it is even more important now when so many forms of communication are more remote and people seem self-absorbed in their own lives. I have 2 teenage stepchildren who do not live with us but who visit during the holidays. I have known them for 4 years. They have lots of good qualities but sadly because of the distance and their ages we will never be more than 2 units who occasionally inhabit the same place. Maybe I'm antedeluvian but manners and courtesies were part and parcel of my upbringing and I've had to encourage basic table manners and appreciation for what is provided in my stepchildren. I'm a long way from sainthood and we do seem to have 2 different approaches within our household. I do think these things matter in the bigger picture. We want our children to go into the world with a sensitivity to the needs of others and a sense of altruism. Unfortunately, thank you letters are infrequent with the stepchildren and to me it does matter. I'm trying to forge a connection but feel downcast when I receive no response and my husband does not firmly encourage them to express thanks. I feel I wear a cloak of invisibility. If a person goes to the trouble to do something for another then I don't see that it is unreasonable to expect a level of reciprocity. A kindly act has a ripple effect. Bring back the art of letter writing in general I say.

My mother forced us to write thank you notes. In fact we always got writing paper in our stockings. We moaned and groaned about it but I think it was a good lesson in life. You get gifts and you write a thank you. Give and take.

I don't know about hand written letters nowadays but I do think it's nice to receive some written thank you that is more than a text message.

My SIL is so bad at getting her daughter to write that we actually gave up sending anything because we never even got an acknowledgment that things arrived.

A friend's daughter came to stay with us for a week and she sent a text saying 'thanks' and that was it. No problem but personally I would have sent an email saying a bit more or phoned to say thank you. But different people have different ideas and she did say thanks.

In my experience people like to be thanked (that doesn't mean it is there sole motivation for doing something nice though)

People who have written me thank yous still get gifts from me. People who don't don't.

I always write thank you cards to anyone I don't see when I open the gift. I write thanks for all my kids presents too. It is polite, brings joy to some people and performs the function of letting the giver know you got the gift. I really don't see why you wouldn't.

Flufflraggies to answer your question, I think you continue to remind and oversee letter writing well into the teenage years. Even more important as teens genuinely go through a neurological rewiring and can become fairly self-centred but even more reason to prompt. It's a small task which makes a huge difference and just because others don't do likewise don't give up otherwise why does anyone bother following any social convention. "The only thing for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" is a bit extreme in this context but the spirit and flavour to me is that if no-one makes an effort because the majority don't bother then where are the social ties that bind us and make a difference.