Kids and thankyou letters. Outdated courtesy?

[fluffyraggies]

I had it drummed into me as a child that i must write thank you notes for all my gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I remember sitting with a list of names and ploughing through the thank you notes, twice a year with mum lurking behind me. I hated the chore but i was regularly told that Auntie X and Cousin Y etc. were always so thrilled to get their thank you's as i was the only child in the family that did it.

As my own kids all became old enough to scribble a note i've made them write thank yous for any gifts which had obviously cost allot or had allot of thought put into it. They moan and groan every year but i've made them do it! At different times it's been said how lovely it is for kids to be thanking properly.

Now - i'm fed up with it tbh. No one else in the family makes their kids write notes to us. Or emails or anything else. I'm thinking of not bothering to force mine into it this year for the first time, and i feel so liberated! But at the same time sad. I think i'll make them formally thank the older members of the family. But not the ones with kids who clearly don't see thanking as customary.

AIBU? What do you do? Do many of you expect/receive 'formal' thank yous from children in the family?

AND while i'm here - what age DO you stop prodding them into doing their thank yous? 10? 14? When they leave school? Genuine question.

You never know they might want to do it off their wn bat next year

Yes fluffy tats fine a verbal thank you is fine up in those situation, not just take and run

"Even as adults I wld still remind my kids" - they'll love you for that piglet puts off phoning own mother back again

I normally knock up an amusing photo on one of those websites with a thankyou for my present line.

I think it's polite.

Are they secretly thinking 'oh FGS, fluffy's forced her kids into writing pointless notes again!'

Probably...

I get a big hug and thanks at the time from my DN. It's usually followed by a text and later a note. The best bit is the hug

Surely thank you notes are simply good manners? By writing a note, the recipient shows that they appreciate the present, and the time and cost that the donor put into it. The note doesn't have to be long winded - a simple message is just as meaningful as a long letter, so I think children should only be expected to write a short note, not an essay. My 13 year old wrote his notes the week after his birthday, thanking the present givers and telling them briefly why he liked the presents (2 sentences in total). My 10 year old writes a simple thank you and draws a few flowers or hearts around the words - it doesn't need to be anything more than that, IMO. I know that the people who get the notes really appreciate them, and I make sure that my kids know this.

I remember writing loads of letters as a kid, I had 8 sets of uncles and aunts, 3 godparents, both sets of grandparents, most of whom we didn't see at Christmas. I didn't like doing it, but I knew why it was important.

'thank you notes have become outdated in the same way letters have'
No no no!
Letters are still an important part of the modern world ladt time I checked. We still have a postal service, no?

Ah the joy of unselfish giving because you want to give a present to somebody you love babybarrister :o

Perhaps the real problem is the present giving culture has gone mad, especially the token presents to the children of the parents' old friends - often the present is not actually even appropriate to the child - maybe we should all just stop giving to every child (and in some cases adult) in our address book, and just give meaningful presents to those we have a reason to be in touch with anyway, and will naturally speak to at some point (whether by phone, email or in person) rather than ritualistically writing notes to people whose faces the children possibly can't even bring to mind...

'unselfish giving'- weeeelll- some gifts I give are given because they oil the wheels of polite socialisation, iyswim. They aren't given necessarily because I want to give the gift to 'someone I love', they may be because I know there'll be reciprocation, or some embarrassment might ensue.

FWIW, in my family, my DC are regarded as the paragon of polite virtue as I always insist they do thank you notes, unlike many of the other youngsters! They don't have dozens to do, maybe 5. And yes, I do consider an email or text is OK, depending on the recipient of it.

To me it's part and parcel (see what I did there?!) of the act of present giving and receiving, the present being a token of someone's 'regard', the thank you an acceptance of that regard.

Yes, it is nice to know a gift has been received but an email or phone call is just as good as a hard copy letter, if not nicer (and certainly more green). Some adults seem to use thank you letters as a stick with which to beat the younger members of their family. Those adults have lost the plot - a gift is supposed to be freely given and not the price for a card back to massage the ego of the giver. It is very nice to give presents, and it is very nice to send thank you letters but neither should be expected and/or demanded.

Hoppingforsun excellent post - how reasonable :)

Littentree so kids are just pawns in their parents social-wheel oiling exercises? Actually, yes, I think often the whole multiple meaningless token Christmas gift giving and note writing sillyness is exactly that, doesn't make it a good thing though!

I'm in the thank you notes are an important way of keeping in touch and learning/ using good manners camp. I get more militant about it every year with my brother's family. I have to post their presents as we each have to see other elderly family members on Christmas Day. They never thank me nor even acknowledge receipt. The next I hear from them is when my SIL e mails me in mid Jan to tell me what my brother would like for his birthday. Makes me cross every year!
That said we only do thank you letters for people you didn't see and thank at the time of opening. Some kind of personal contact is important. No one has to buy you a present. Athough I am mug enough to carry on with my brother's family ...

Miss Manners' guide to presents (well, OK, VladManners guide to presents):

It is good manners for a gift to be given as such, without expectation of a reciprocal gift of any kind.
It is bad manners to give a gift with the condition that it must be reciprocated: that is trade. ('I'll give your DCs a present providing you give my DCs a present and it'd better be good' = bad manners.)
It is not exemplary manners to give a gift with a condition attached to it ('well, I'll send your DC a present providing I get a handwritten card in January thanking me for it - no card means no present next year' = not great, even though we might think it.)

Then..
It is good manners, when given a gift, to thank the sender personally. This may be 'in person', or where this is not possible, by another means. The message should convey your gratitude to the sender that they have taken the time, trouble and expense to give you a gift.
It is bad manners to ignore a gift altogether.
It is not exemplary manners, but better than nothing, to acknowledge a gift in a somewhat impersonal manner ('Thanks for the present. Your's, Teenage Nephew' = could do a bit better and I'll give him a lecture on apostrophes next time I see him, but at least I know he got the damn thing)

It is nice to receive personal thanks.
It is not nice to receive no thanks.
It is really not nice to be told that you have not been thanked because a thank you is terribly outdated and you're a cruel person to bully your darlings into writing 'thank you' on a card.

I am sure some of DH's family think I am stuck up for making the DC write letters, but I can't really differentiate and tell the DC to write Thank you letters for some relatives and not for others, so tough.

DD (6) wrote her birthday Thank yous alone and un-nagged (in fact, she nagged me for the list) so the spellings were phonetically correct but somewhat "creative" . I left them as they were. People can tut if they want to but there was no way I was going to destroy her willingness to do it by quibbling over spelling.

"Stuck up" for insisting on manners? Don't you just love 21st Century Britain?

DSD doesn't currently write thank you notes, but she probably will this year because she has several foreign relatives giving her presents at Christmas. She did sign her name to those fill in the blank thank yous for her birthday last year.

The real reason DSD doesn't do thank you notes in our house is because DH and I are lazy about thank you notes. We have done them, but are very slow about it. Something to remedy in the new year - maybe a resolution for 2013.

None of the kids in DH's family do thank you notes, but we tend to see them when we give them presents and they thank us in person, which is enough for me. I do not give presents expecting a handwritten card in return. It is nice to receive one, no doubt, but I don't give gifts on the condition that one is sent.

Its people who do insist on thank you notes using the term "stuck up" though, not those who don't - I'm not sure where that's come from. The whole tit for tat no thankyou note = no present is mean spirited, and thw whole thing smacks of family and social politicing rather than actually caring about the people you give to and wanting to give them a gift because you want to make them happy, but I am not sure where being stuck up comes into it, and think this has been embroidered as a bit of a reverse boast...

Do agree that tit-for-tat no thank-you = no present next time is mean spirited.
I've never been impressed with that since my Mum used that argument to get me to do my thank-you's as a kid.
"They'd love a nice note from you" is much nicer, and my rather random present giving also has nothing to do with whether I was thanked last time or not, if I can even remember. But, however hit and miss it is, an occasional thank-you is always appreciated

I left my paperboy a card with some money in it yesterday morning. Today, in our newspaper, was a beautifully handwritten note thanking us very much for the money and how much he appreciated it. Isn't that nice? It was completely unexpected - it almost brought a tear to my eye.

We do thank-you cards. DS1 is still too young to write, so I get him to make them (glitter and glue is a winning combination, and pals/family love them....apart from the subsequent mess as the glitter gets everywhere ). I like to get them, and think that it is polite to let people know that the gift has arrived and is appreciated.

ruby I agree that was indeed lovely, because unexpected :) Less lovely is forcing kids to do it against their will, either under threat they won't receive anything next year if they don't, or because mummy is worried about what the giver, who is probably barely known to the child, will think of her if the child does not...

This thread is about teaching children manners, as I see it. Saying thank you when someone sends you a gift. I don't think anyone can be against that, can they?