To think DD was right to ask?

[Jingleflobba]

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first

nobody wants to upset you fanjo she is your child and you have to do what you think is right to protect her that is ok all some were saying is sometimes children need things explained to them, and sometimes if they ask the person then that is alright if the person or parent are comfortable to talk to them, you are not,

but that is the point...
it is wrong for a child to ask.....
there are loads of ways to educate your child without harassing people

threesocksfullfchocs

You don't have to explain anything. Its perfectly within your right to say "I'd rather not talk about that." or "I don't want to talk right now."

Interactions and questions from other people can be seen as 'interruptions', or they can simply be seen as 'interactions' with other people, depending on course on how much you welcome them.

Some people don't like 'intrusions' from other people at all, and would rather not even be said "hello" to. Others are lonely and/or sociable and enjoy interacting with other people and having spontaneous conversation.

Feeling 'different' or a 'freak' is not down to these children's behaviour, unless they were actively being nasty or actually calling her a 'freak' in so many words. As it was, they reacted the same way they would to anyone whose behaviour surprised them in some way... by simply asking about it.

I agree in parenting your own child by monitoring them carefully, and removing them if they are bothering somebody. But I don't believe that parenting means carefully steering them away from anyone with a disability, or stopping them from asking questions of someone with a disability who is obviously enjoying the interaction.

If the person is not obviously enjoying it, or makes even the slightest indication that they are being bothered, then the parent should remove the child (and I certainly would).

but how do you tell someone wants to talk?
do you wait until they tell child to go away?
how do you decide?

cos by the time your child has asked, they have most likely interrupted another persons day. they might even have ruined it.

But its not about allowing your child an opportunity for education at the expense of others.

Its about allowing your child to interact normally with people who have disabilities, the same way they interact with people who don't have disabilities , usually by asking lots of questions.

This is not just because your child wants to, but also because a lot of people with disabilities don't want to be treated differently by children, by being avoided, or having certain topics 'hush hush'.

If you teach your child to treat people with disabilities differently, or that it is inherently bad to talk to them about it, then they will grow up with those attitudes.

but how do you tell someone wants to talk?
do you wait until they tell child to go away?
how do you decide?

well TBH I would be able to tell if my own children were being annoying or not people usually send off leave me alone signals that parents should pick up on IYSWIM, as a disabled person and parent id never let my children when they were younger bother people if they didnt want to talk to them ,

You can't tell if someone wants to talk or not ever, until they give you some indication.

But I don't believe its right to assume nobody wants to talk (because some people might not want to talk). Otherwise no one would talk to anyone.

And I do agree Jingleallthejay, that parents in general need to be far more alert to pick up other people's 'leave me alone' signals... because these should be looked for and respected.

I really do make every effort to watch out for these, and steer my child accordingly.

I really don't want to upset anyone who wants to be left alone, I just don't want to 'shun' everyone on that basis, because some people really would find that just as hurtful.

generally people don't want to upset anybody but I dont think dragging children away and telling them to shush helps either

Fanjo

For what its worth, if I had been in that play area, I would have tried to distract all of those children (mine or not), the moment I saw you were uncomfortable.

I really have no wish to see anyone upset, and am very conscious of the struggles people with disabilities face through various experiences and associations of my own.

It is partly because I have seen the flip side of the coin hurting people (being avoided, shunned, and wanting to talk but finding other people too embarassed or uncomfortable).

For this reason alone, I do not feel uncomfortable assuming everyone with a disability finds it painful to talk about.

The unfortunate fact is that forcing conversation about it causes pain to some, and avoiding conversation about it causes pain to some.

Therefore all I can do is watch individuals carefully for their individual response or signals, and act accordingly.

I agree with lovebunny, 7 year olds should be encouraged not to ask personal questions or gawp. Whilst some on this thread prefer direct questions, many others don't and prefer to go about their daily business without being an educational device.

if you want your children to interact.
just get them to smile and say hello....
not to ask nosy questions

It all depends what you find a nosy question... some people find all questions nosy.

I don't like to pre-emptively assume what a person does and does not wish to talk about, but I am very sensitive to reading their signals as soon as they give them out.

But am I an educational device because children often almost invariably ask me why I am overweight?

Is my DH an educational device because children constantly ask him why he has dark skin?

Is my gran an educational device because children constantly ask her why she is old?

A child asking you questions does not mean you are an educational device, it just means that you're a human being, they're a human being, and they want to know more about you.

many others don't and prefer to go about their daily business without being an educational device.

nobody said disabled people need to be a educational tool for children the op DD asked a question the babies mum was happy with her asking some are some are not I don't think 7 is very old tbh and I dont think the little girl was cheeky either,

it just means that you're a human being, they're a human being, and they want to know more about you.

this

Surely it's better to avoid getting to the point where people give off embarassed or upset signals though, and avoid controversial topics of conversation with strangers?

I would agree TheLightPassenger if everyone agreed that disability was a controversial subject.

But many people (mostly people with disabilities, in my experience) are trying to move away from that line of thinking.

being disabled isn't controversial it is just a part of who the person is no controversy,

ok controversial wasn't the best choice of word, by controversial I meant that not everyone likes being quizzed about their child's disability by random strangers, not that disability is a topic to be avoided at all costs. e.g. if a random stranger asked me at a bus stop if I had ever had PND, I would react differently to if an acquaintance say at toddler group talked about her experiences looking after a newborn, and PND came up in conversation.

Doesnt it tell you something that the people who don't like kids asking questions are the people being questioned and the ones defending the practice I assume have NT kids who ask the questions?

But there are lots of things some people don't like.

Some people really don't like being approached for any reason at all. Some people don't want you to say "hello" to them, or even make eye contact.

If its something you know most people don't like, then its easier to just pre-emptively avoid it.

But when it comes to disability, some people don't like talking about it, and some people don't like having it deliberately avoided.

There's no way to please everybody, so it does boil down to individual situations.

Doesnt it tell you something that the people who don't like kids asking questions are the people being questioned and the ones defending the practice I assume have NT kids who ask the questions?

Maybe you should perhaps listen to us as we are speaking from personal experience and not just having a nice debate on society's attitude to disability

"Well you shouldnt mind as society must acceot disability".

Well we do mind.