To think DD was right to ask?

[Jingleflobba]

Went to a Christmas party yesterday, really busy (think village hall packed to the rafters type) with the DC's and ended up bumping i to an old friend who we had lost touch with. We chatted for a while, admired each others new babies etc then went on mingling and watching our DC's so I didn't get to see her again apart from a quick goodbye as we left.
DD is 7, very inquisitive and likes babies so she spent a bit of time playing with friends baby at the party.
After we got home we were talking about the afternoon and she told me & DH that "baby X has a strawberry mark". She does, it's quite noticeable. DH asked her how she knew what it was called and DD said that she had asked my friend about it. DH thinks she was rude to mention it at all but I think she was right. She wouldn't have asked in a rude "ewww what's that?" Type of way, just very factual wanting to know about it. According to DD she just said "what has she got on her head?"
Is DH right and she was being rude or is it preferable to just staring at it (which I saw quite a lot of when talking to my friend).
I should add that I didn't mention it as my friend got in there first

I'm not speaking on behalf of my child.

I'm speaking based on the pain I have encountered in many acquaintances and friends with disabilities (I have worked in a related field).

Very few of them have been upset/distressed about being directly approached. And far, far more of them have been upset about the 'elephant in a room' or 'hush hush' response.

The first several pages of this thread contain many testimonials from people with disablities or children with disabilities expressing similar sentiments.

If everyone with disabilities or children with disabilities felt the way you do Fanjo, then my response would be entirely different. But they don't!

I have a mole on my neck and small people usually ask me what it is. I always just tell them. Parents often apologise for their offspring having asked me but I really don't mind. I'd rather they knew it was just a "thing" than something to be bothered about.

I'm sure she asked nicely and as your friend obviously told her the name, she probably wasn't bothered.

If by "you", you mean people with disabilities and children with disabilities, then I have listened. I've listened very carefully, to many different people with disabilities, and what their wishes and upsets are.

And thats the biggest part of why I hold the views I do.

"Doesnt it tell you something that the people who don't like kids asking questions are the people being questioned and the ones defending the practice I assume have NT kids who ask the questions?"

I defended the practice and I wanted people to ask questions about DD when she had a trachy. From my personal experience I would agree with Ifyoulike about the elephant in the room.

Kids will ask questions, but I think at the age of 7 upwards they should know not to ask outright and to ask their parent/carer instead.

Your daughter wasn't rude, she was being inquisitive, but perhaps you should tell her that next time she has a question about someone's appearance or behaviour she sould ask you/your DH.

I have a 7 year old with autism. It is sometimes heartbreaking when his peers ask me what's the matter with him, why he can't talk people and why he plays with baby toys.

Having a trachy is different situation.

I do care about your feelings Fanjo and threesocks, but I can't just consider your feelings alone, which is the big problem I have with jumping to a 'one size fits all' response.

Not everyone dealing with disablity in themselves or a loved one wants to be treated the way you do, and some of them want the absolute opposite.

I can't treat everyone the way you want to be treated without upsetting other people with disablities who don't like being treated that way.

So all I can do is react quickly and sensitively to individual situations.

You just don't get it.

Sweetmingepie does

I get it fanjo

I can't 'get it' without living it.

All I can do is listen to you and respect what you say, and I truly do.

But I have worked in a field where I have also had the opportunity to socialise with and intimately get to know many different people with disability in their lives, and I have also carefully listened to and considered their views.

It truly has been my experience that more people with disability in my acquaintance (by far more) have asked for and advocated open approach and discussion, rather than hushed avoidance or 'the elephant in the room' response (ie. the issue deliberately avoided).

Therefore, I cannot ignore everything I have heard from them about how they would like to be treated. I also don't want to ignore what you are telling me here. Its not an easy balancing act, but I do try my best.

why can't you just teach children to make polite conversation? rather than risk upsetting people?

Because some people (most in my acquaintance) don't consider talking about, or being asked about their disability rude.

Yes, but here on this very thread some people are telling you they find it hurtful and upsetting. I find it very distressing when children ask about my weight, do they understand? No, but the conversation is being held in front of my husband or other adults and hurts, it hurts that I have to laugh it off.

Just because someone says to you they don't mind because they have been gracious and tried to spare you your blushes does not mean their life should be open to your scrutiny or your childs. Your child does not have two options, studiously ignore or ask impertinent questions. It is not Ok to ask people questions about their age/ race/ disability. Teach your kids now before they become intolerable adults.

I am really sickened by this thread.

"Having a trachy is different situation."

Yes, I realize that.

I would not mind comments if DD had one, bunbaker:)

It's a really interesting question: what is, and what isn't, acceptable to ask a person you don't know well about something physically unusual and obvious.

For example I wouldn't ask someone using a wheelchair why they couldn't walk but when I met a little girl with a facial disfigurement at a children's birthday party recently and my DD did ask me about it (she's far too shy to actually ask someone directly) and I didn't know what to say other than 'some children are born like that, it's just the way they are'.

I did end up talking to her mum later on but didn't feel able to ask the question and I felt guilty because I felt like I was having one of those oh so polite conversations where you never say anything of note.

But I really don't know. Is it better to just accept difference and remain ignorant or to ask and risk offending? :(

PicadillyCervix
Yes, some people on this thread are telling me they find it hurtful and upsetting to be approached about it.

However, many more people in real life have told me they find it hurtful and upsetting to experience the opposite (being avoided, 'elephant in the room', etc.) and have explicitly said they want disability to become a more open subject for discussion.

I am not balancing my personal theoretical views against what you are telling me here. I am balancing what you are telling me here vs what other people with disabilities have told me in real life.

And the honest truth is that more people in my experience do not want to have the topic avoided.

I don't want to ignore their wishes any more than I wish to ignore yours. Like I said, its a difficult balancing act.

You aren't entitled to know why someone is disfigured though

They don't have the right to know about your personal health issues do they?

For fucks sake, you haven't got to ignore a person or avoid them because you can't ask why they are disabled?!

Tbh, i can't see why anyone needs to know? It isn't relevant is it? a more interesting and relevant question would be have you got any hobbies.

I think it's easier to not mind questions when you/your child has a more "obvious" disability if that makes sense. Until a few months ago DS2 used to use the buggy rather than a wheelchair so I would get the comments about him being a baby etc (he was 4) and people judging, I hated that. Now he uses a wheelchair the comments are different because everyone knows he has a disability and people in general are less judgy I think and just ask curious questions which I don't mind.

Actually the weight example is a good one because that applies very definitely to me personally.

I do want people (especially children) to be able to talk to me, ask me about it, and I feel far more comfortable with that then when it becomes the thing a child is very obviously curious about, but feels they can't talk to me about it.

That makes me feel alienated and alone, and like there is something horribly, horribly wrong with me. And I would be very angry if people thought that everyone who is overweight finds it painful to talk about, and therefore should never have the topic brought up.

You have your feelings, I have mine. Problems arise when we want everyone to be treated in one particular way for our own sakes.

No one is entitled to know anything. But they are always entitled to ask.

You get to decide whether you want to answer or not, or whether you even want to continue the conversation.

Have you also considered when asking someone a question about themselves, that you might not like the answer? Or that just discussing it might be horribly triggering for them? But they can't avoid carrying their scars on them?

We have soldiers abroad in foreign wars, when one comes home with PTSD maybe he doesn't need your child asking him why he hasn't got an arm?

A woman has a large scar on her face, you ask her why... oh it happened when she was raped at knife point.

Guy in the wheel chair, fucked his legs in a car accident where he lost family.

Woman with a disfigurement, born that way but pointed and stared at and asked dumb questions her entire life.

The first few pages of this thread contain posts from people saying specifically that they do not want the topic of disability to be specifically avoided in conversation with them.

That is also what I have been told by many (the majority) of people with disabilities who I socialise and have worked with.

I don't know how to put it any plainer than that.

Their views don't trump yours, but equally your views don't trump theirs. There is no way to make everybody happy.