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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell DH about DDs christmas money ?

106 replies

OhDearNigel · 14/12/2012 20:42

DHs uncle always sends us money for Christmas and the cheque came yesterday. DH did not realise that a separate envelope had come for DD and thought the money was for all of us.

DD and I opened her card and out came a crisp £20 note. WIBU to never mention its existence to DH ? He will only put it in her savings account which is where he squirrels away all her birthday ahd Christmas money. Which is not very exciting, is it ? DD, by the way, is 3. I want to buy her a toy with it. She only gets new toys at Christmas and birthday so it's not as if we're knee deep in them ! And she has outgrown most of her stuff from last year

OP posts:
BellaVita · 14/12/2012 20:44

Nah don't tell him. What he doesn't know won't hurt.

cathpip · 14/12/2012 20:44

Take her to the toy shop!!

Unitedwestand · 14/12/2012 20:44

Buy her something with it.

hermioneweasley · 14/12/2012 20:46

It's not dreadful that she has savings - that will make a massive difference to her in later years. I bet she will get plenty of toys for Christmas so I would save it. My parents made me save half my gift money at birthday and christmas and half of all my earnings and it was the deposit on my first (very cheap) house.

elfbambinos · 14/12/2012 20:47

of course you should mention it ..it his his Uncle who sent it and am sure he would like to thank his present

It would be unreasonable not to tell him.

Just talk to him and say it's for her Christmas , and it's toy money not an investment for her future

merrygoround · 14/12/2012 20:48

What would happen if you told him about it and said you were going to buy your dd a toy?

Original poster
OhDearNigel · 14/12/2012 20:54

Elf, I will, of course thank uncle - but DH already phoned him today and thanked him for "our christmas money"

Hermione - all our child benefit goes into her savings account so she has a tidy sum in there

Merry - he would just go on and on and on about it until I capitulated

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 14/12/2012 20:55

One day she my want that 20 quid, saving it is the correct response, it's not your money to spend, it's hers. It should be saved, your DH is doing the correct thing.

Original poster
OhDearNigel · 14/12/2012 20:57

And my parents only give her a token present which is usually something for her to use when she's at their house - they put money into premium bonds for her. She will get presents from

us - 2 or 3 small presents which are books, some ink stampers, a pair of gloves and a highchair for her doll
PILs
SIL has bought her a skirt
BIL will get a her a present
She will get a small present from each godmother

And that's it.

OP posts:
peaceandlovebunny · 14/12/2012 20:57

if he's so controlling, won't he want to know where the money for the toy came from?
while you're thinking that through, why not consider how far he controls your lives generally?
then start planning your exit.

Snog · 14/12/2012 20:57

Think you need to try to get on the same page on this/compromise not use subterfuge tbh

FredFredGeorge · 14/12/2012 20:58

OhDearNigel If you want to buy her some presents - use your money, it seems unlikely that you're very short if you can squirrel away the child benefit!

Original poster
OhDearNigel · 14/12/2012 21:02

while you're thinking that through, why not consider how far he controls your lives generally? then start planning your exit.

Er wtaf ???? DH would rather be prudent save the money so you automatically extrapolate this to "oh, he must be a controlling bastard, you'd much better leave him"

A bit quick on the "leave the bastard" trigger finger don't you think ?

OP posts:
merrygoround · 14/12/2012 21:07

Is there no room for compromise? Saving is fine, but if you really feel that your dd should have a present then your views are also important. I understand about people going on and on until you give in, but that is a tactic that he obviously relies on because it works.

WelshMaenad · 14/12/2012 21:15

It's her Christmas present, she's three. Of course you should buy her a fucking toy with it.

Off to Smyths you trot, go on now.

HollyBerryBush · 14/12/2012 21:16

I'd save it - a 3yo doesnt know value or worth or need piles of presents. She has nothing to compare it to.

merrygoround · 14/12/2012 21:20

It seems that it's not about whether or not you buy her a toy, it's about whether there is room for both of your views in making a considered decision. There's no right or wrong - just what works for you.

WelshMaenad · 14/12/2012 21:20

If it makes you feel any betters, my dcs get money from their paternal grandparents every birthday and Christmas. We've been saving this for a while to pay for the ludicrously expensive bunk bed they needed, that we bought a few months ago. So their Christmas money this year has already been recklessly squandered on a surprise trip to Thomas Land. Sod deposits on flats, they got Troublesome Trucks coaster rides. They fucking loved it, it was cash well squandered!

thegreylady · 14/12/2012 21:24

Buy her a toy-it is Christmas,she is a child.Dont ask your dh-tell him [afterwards if necessary].

Iceaddict · 14/12/2012 21:24

Let her choose something with it then tell dh what she bought with the money her uncle sent her. Not like you spent it on yourself it is her money

lovelyladuree · 14/12/2012 21:27

all our child benefit goes into her savings account so she has a tidy sum in there

Which is exactly why the government is taking it away from the highest earners.

WelshMaenad · 14/12/2012 21:29

That's a pretty stupid assumption, laduree. We save our child benefit for the kids, and our total household earned income is under £20k pa.

MulleredWhines · 14/12/2012 21:29

If you have to ask a load of internet strangers if it's 'ok' to hide £20 from your DH so that you can spend it on your daughter, then there is something not right about the balance of power in your relationship.

StuntGirl · 14/12/2012 21:31

She's three, she sounds like she's getting a few presents already, she doesn't need any more toys. If you want to buy her a toy with it that's a different matter. Just tell your husband you're going to compromise and put half on a toy and half in her savings account.

SantaIAmSoFuckingRock · 14/12/2012 21:31

how about just saying "your uncle sent £20 for dd. i'm going to take her to pick something out from the toy shop"

if he really needs to save some of it, save half spend half. i dont know why he'd be getting the only say in what happens with it.

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