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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell DH about DDs christmas money ?

106 replies

OhDearNigel · 14/12/2012 20:42

DHs uncle always sends us money for Christmas and the cheque came yesterday. DH did not realise that a separate envelope had come for DD and thought the money was for all of us.

DD and I opened her card and out came a crisp £20 note. WIBU to never mention its existence to DH ? He will only put it in her savings account which is where he squirrels away all her birthday ahd Christmas money. Which is not very exciting, is it ? DD, by the way, is 3. I want to buy her a toy with it. She only gets new toys at Christmas and birthday so it's not as if we're knee deep in them ! And she has outgrown most of her stuff from last year

OP posts:
LapsusLinguae · 15/12/2012 12:02

OP can you give us some more idea of how finances are arranged with your DH? Do you have access to money that you can spend as you alone decide?

You say your DH would go on and on until you capitulate - that is a big red flag for controlling behaviour.

Are you SAHM? Do you do more than 50% of the care of DD if so then I really think you should be deciding if there is a toy that would be good for her.

Have you seen the statements for your DDs savings account? Who would pay the £20 in. Would he "ask" you to make a special trip to the bank to pay in £20?

Also why do your parents give gifts to be left at their house? Is this their idea - are they controlling? Or is it because DH had expressed a preference for his home to be uncluttered by toys?

peaceandlovebunny · 15/12/2012 12:06

at last, someone who can see what's going on here.

Alarielle · 15/12/2012 12:42

I agree that to say if you are not short of cash, it's a pretty grim christmas list. The only real present she will be getting for christmas is a highchair for her doll.

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 15/12/2012 12:46

If your relationship is such that you have to hide money from him then it is not good.

If your relationship is actually fine and he is not controlling then you are being unreasonable to hide money from him - just talk about it.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 15/12/2012 13:22

I'm sure the uncle would want the money spent on a gift.

Rudolphstolemycarrots · 15/12/2012 13:24

next year work out what you would like the child to have and tell your DH he can have any money left after buying things.

ThatBlokesANutter · 15/12/2012 13:42

Why, when you can afford to stash all the child benefit away, are you buying her an ink stamper and some gloves for christmas? From your list, it looks like youre spending about 20 quid on her, if that.

Now, i get that some parents are frugal OR cannot afford to buy extravagent gifts.. but what 3 year old would be excited at a pair of gloves for christmas? Why not just not save the child benefit for a couple of months and then you could have got her some exciting presents?

How very weird. And tight.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 15/12/2012 14:52

OP - I'm really hoping you are out buying her something nice. I have been thinking about this.

DH's family were very very mean - every penny counted, saved and salted away with presents regarded as extravagant. Clothes were last season or the one before bought from the Mill Shops. DH and his sisters both remember being hungry. MIL is still mean of spirit and genuinely takes no pleasure from giving or seeing her grandchildren's faces light up on Christmas Day. MIL is a widow now. She has over a million pounds in the bank. What was and is the point if there is no joy - the joy of receiving AND the joy of giving - it is part of love and doesn't have to signify greediness. IME it's the mean who are greedy and who grab when something is given.

OP - all MILs children left home at 18. Not one returned and two went to live abroad when they finished university. In the 25 years I have been with DH the girls have been home twice and three times respectively. One didn't come for her father's funeral because it was too far and was going to be too stressful, ie, she wasn't that fussed and certainly not about her mother.

Think on OP - make sure your dd has a home filled with enough joy and life and fun and pleasure that she wants to come back to it. If there are parents here who give what they can and if it is little that is fine because they are doing their best; if there are parents here who meet every whim and go overboard and get into debt that is not fine but whatever one gives there has to be some generosity of spirit and enough joyful lightheartedness so the children know their parents want them to have a good time.

Salting away the child benefit is all very well providing there is enough money to spend an equal amount for the benefit of the child. I always bought mine two books every month each or a toy and spent the rest on their clothes. We didn't need it for food or anything. The money is paid to the mother - DH set up the savings plans because there was enough to cover them.

It rather sounds OP that you really need a job to provide you with some of your own income that remains yours and entirely yours to do with as you please. That is very very important for all women in my opinion.

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 15/12/2012 15:28

Child benefit - clue's in the title, the child can benefit from it right now, not later when they get it back from a savings account (and ironically by then they will no longer be a child). Historically, too, child benefit was actually introduced to counter a common situation very like the OP's seems to be: providing mothers with a little money they had control over to spend on their families, at a time when many men controlled the purse strings and didn't allow their wives any say in spending or indeed money at all.

marriedand wreathedinholly agree, absolutely. It's about making memories. I'm not sure what the value of a sum in a savings account will be to the child when she's 18 if she's looking back on 18 years of grim Christmases and birthdays when anything spent on her was begrudged.

Go to the toy shop OP! (if you haven't already...)

Bearbehind · 15/12/2012 18:47

Something intrigues me with this, aside from the dilemma of the £20, the OP said that her DH thought the money sent by the Uncle was for all of them, so is he planning on buying his daughter something for Christmas using her share of that money.........? What is he planning to do with that money?

zukiecat · 15/12/2012 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 15/12/2012 20:06

Hello Zukie - hope you've got something under the tree for the furboys. Happy Xmas. Sorry to hijack thread.

zukiecat · 15/12/2012 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/12/2012 21:02

I think he is controlling if you are getting no say in how your child's money is spent.

I also think that children need toys. Saving is good, but not at the expense of everything else.

It wouldn't even occur to me to consult my husband before buying a toy for my dc and if I'm honest, I think the Christmas presents sound utterly joyless.

Get to Argos and buy her something that will fill her with happiness and excitement on Christmas morning.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2012 21:09

If I sent a child money instead of a gift,it would be so a gift could be chosen either by them or by a parent for them. If that money was taken from the child and stored for years unless the child themselves wanted a large cost item like a console or dolls house, I would be fuming and would not send cash again.

Gifts are sent so children receive pleasure at the time of the gift being given.

If I wished to invest or save money for them I would do just that myself.

FredFredGeorge · 15/12/2012 22:35

Sockreturningpixie So why don't you send the money to the parent and ask them to buy a gift rather than sending it to the child? And would you be annoyed if a 5year old child say decided to save it?

My view is that the gift is given to the inddividual, and no-one else has the right to spend it on their behalf, before the child is old enough to understand the concept of money that means saving it until they do. Parents included.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2012 23:44

Because its not for the parents, its for the child, and I would certainly not be annoyed if the child with no pressure decided to save it as long as they knew it was theirs to do with as they wished.

Obviously I wouldn't expect the parents to let them buy crack cocaine but if they want to buy something that's suitable for there age group, legal and doesn't go against reasonable rules then they should be able to.

But then again I wouldn't send money to a child who was not old enough to be able to pick a toy in a toy shop.

teacherandguideleader · 16/12/2012 08:35

I wasn't allowed things as a child. Things were seen as a waste of money. We didn't have much money (single parent family) so looking back I don't think it was that mum didn't want me to have things, she just couldn't afford it. I remember being the 'uncool' child because I didn't have all the in things like my friends did.

When I got my 'own' money it was such a novelty that any time I wanted something, I bought it. I mistakenly thought having stuff would make everything ok. Sadly it has left me in debt which I am trying to repay but it is an incredibly hard habit to break.

I think the only way children can learn about money is to have some control over it themselves.

DingDongKethryverilyonHigh · 16/12/2012 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

defineme · 16/12/2012 10:39

I don't think buying a toy or saving is the wrong thing to do. I think it's a shame you feel you can't reach a compromise: what's wrong with saving half of everything?I think working on communicating better is key. Has your dh got reasons rooted in his past for being frugal?
Btw-can't believe some posters have criticized your present list for her-sounds ideal for a 3 year old-what exactly do they need?

Hulababy · 16/12/2012 10:49

But it's Christmas and it is very clearly sent as a gift for the child. Honestly - at 3 years old and you ask a child what they want - how many really honestly, without having a parent briefing them before, would say "I want to save it in my bank til I am a grown up" - really???????????

As I said before - I would always send a voucher and never money, just incase. And wherever possible a toy or book instead.

I don't really see clothes as Christmas presents either though - not til a child is old enough to actually ask for them as a preference - which is generally not til teens is it?

Hulababy · 16/12/2012 10:51

defineme - 3 year olds probably don't need anything more than food and love. However, is Christmas presents really about what a child needs? Or is it more about what a child would like - things to play with?

I doubt my Christmas present wish list would just consist of things I need - I'd far rather have things that I want. Sometimes, radical as ti seems, something a bit frivalous and fun!

FivesGoldNorks · 16/12/2012 10:54

Quite unnerved by all the people saying parents should dash out and buy something with any money sent. My dc have a houseful of toys - we are overrun. If someone send money it goes into their accounts. As the children get older and can decide for themselves what they want to do, fine, but if you send cash for a tiny one you're just delegating the job of present buying to the parent, if you insist it be spent then and there.
In this instance though the op wants to spend it on her dd and I think that's fine. It really doesn't sound like ahe has a lot.

StuntGirl · 16/12/2012 11:02

Some people seem very angry and controlling over what money gets spent on! If I sent money to someone its entirely up to them what they spend it on. I miht have had some intention on what it could be spent on, but once they get their present its up to them what it goes on.

Last year I bought my step mum Next vouchers for her birthday. She was redecorating the house a bit, was buying new home furnishings/ornaments/paintings etc and I know she likes to buy them from Next. However I also know she's incredibly picky, one of those people its best to let them choose themselves. So I bought her vouchers. I later learnt they'd gone on just basic vest tops and tshirts, socks, some tea towels, and other more 'mundane' items. It wasn't what I intended the money to go on, but it was hers to spend as she saw fit.

Debs75 · 16/12/2012 11:08

Go and buy her a toy OP. My two youngest are 2 and 4 and buying for them is great fun, even with limited funds.

I tend to buy toys which will benefit them such as books and social toys like Happyland. They are also great to add to. They have the usual 'fillers' like gloves, bedspreads, pj's but the point of giving is to have fum with their gifts.

You say she only gets toys at christmas or birthdays which isn't very often so she won't be overrun with toys. Buy the gift and then tell DH's uncle that a gift voucher might be better bext time, that way DH can't save it in the bank.