To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

[elderberryspokes]

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

Are you accusing me of pretending to be the DH? I know I was painting myself into a DH defending corner but I'm not that desperate to be right

I just like to see the good in people.

he might well be disappointed to read assumptions about his balls.

Oh, sorry brady, I forgot, we nice little women are meant to say 'thank you, Elder'sDH, for telling us we're such nasty people, you are totally right to be disappointed in us and we should indeed be ashamed'. After all, we offered opinions on an internet site and you were planning to leave your pregnant, ill wife alone at Christmas .. it's clear we're the baddies here.

Please.

:o

Breaking his balls :o

Yes, we must be very careful to gently caress the online balls of all male posters.

The poor wee lambs :o

EldersDH - you're a brave man coming on the thread! I'm glad you and DW have reached resolution for this Christmas - and next year you'll have a little one to take down to your parents for the festivities. FWIW, DH and I travel between London and Yorkshire to see my parents at Christmas this year with 2 kids - and have been doing that trip or to my MILs (3 hours away)- since the kids were babies and its been fine. Even better, all inlaws converge on the other inlaws place at the same time!

What are you getting for Christmas, mate? Socks?

Are you accusing me of pretending to be the DH?

:o

How are your balls feeling, MAN? :o

glad you came on here, did your wife tell you about the thread and ask you to look it up. then you had to join etc??

I have some tennis balls inthe shed that are probably quite cold given the weather!

So we're all in agreement that the op is reasonable and not at all selfish now that she's stomped her feet and gotten her own way ( or "compromise" as some seem to be calling it)
After all I thought wanting to spend Christmas with your own family was immature, selfish and the sign of a count.

Ze Count died this year

doubt she stomped her feet, she wrote some way back down the thread that she was going to accept things his way IIRC and then she left

Since when are we all in agreement on any AIBU thread?! Don't think I have ever seen that one.

OMG not ze count!

Googling for "Mumsnet Christmas husband" will get you nowhere.

Well, it'll get you somewhere, and it'll probably get you to AIBU, but the chances of it bringing up a specific thread that relates to you are pretty slim.

Especially because we write DH here.

It all sounded so plausible.

it's true

the Count was great, much better than Big Bird

well it was quick work, googling, joining MN, reading the thread, checking out the acronyms and how to post smileys. You'd almost think a more seasoned poster but well so what in the end?

It comes up in the first page of searches on mine. It has the thread title and the date beside it. Its the second one from the top.

He wants to spend Christmas with his family. She wants to spend it with hers. Why is he the unreasonable one? Presumably she is also invited to his family home?

It's "her turn" if the last three years are any indication.

She's pregnant and not up to travelling to London.

*

OP, YANBU at all. He is being incredibly unreasonable. As other posters have said, you are his family now. It's really weird to consider your parents/siblings as closer family than your partner and baby.

Ah, as always, the thread has moved on ... oh well. Carry on.

Yeah, we're talking about muppets now, not the "husband". Oh.

Why has the subject of this discussion moved onto my balls?!

My wife said something along these lines... "DH, I'm sorry but I may have posted a stupid question online"

Knew immediately = MN! I don't know how to post screen prints here but it is the 2nd link on my Google search which surprised me!

Just want to clarify that the OP did in no way stomp her feet, she was relatively reasoned in her argument as was I but this thread caught us in the middle of that decision making process. We have conflicting wishes this Christmas but I just could not feel comfortable with the idea of not being there at Christmas, it didn't sit well at all. I am compromising on my Christmas to ensure OP has an awesome time and am not unhappy about that as I was not comfortable with any other options.

This subject has certainly brought out some of MN's fiery characters and some vitriolic debate alongside many more reasoned responses in favour of one or both parties which I appreciate. I've really enjoyed reading through the debate but please, leave my balls alone!

YANBU