To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

[elderberryspokes]

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

Out of order samandi, jeezo this is a difference of opinion! that is appalling.

samandi, i think now the DH knows he was being an idiot over leaving his precious wife at xmas, if not let me say it again.

Your a married man, so stay with your pregnant wife, its you first xmas together, so start making so happy memories.

But really samandi, suggesting she has an abortion is just awful.

have reported that post

I did too,hopefully it will be gone before long. Can't believe anyone would write something like that knowing that the parents-to-be will see it. Clearly someone derives their thrills from upsetting others.

ummm

William and kate are " pregnant" and she isnt well - I wonder if it would be OK for william to spend xmas at sandringham whilst Kate is alone at KP...unable to get too - Bucklebury.

I wonder how pics of wills out with the lads spilling out of pubs - lauging at the church thing on xmas day with camilla and charles - all out joking together whilst pics of kate emerge looking pale nad ill and sick?

Wouldnt the whole world think William was a total ass for not being with his wife - pregnant and ill and AT CHRISTMAS...

oh dear.

What a foul thing to say

Samandi - that is shocking!

I have read the whole thread and don't think either OP or DH were being unreasonable. Me and my DH sometimes spend xmas apart - we aren't this year, but sometimes we do! Just because you are married doesn't mean joined at the hip.

Personally, I think EldersDH sounds like a nice guy!

samandi, what an utterly despicable thing to write.

This was a disagreement in an otherwise very happy relationship. I came on this board to ask for advice about that, not about my unborn child. Even if the relationship was in trouble or heaven forbid had broken down completely, how could you suggest that I would therefore go out and do something like that?

I sincerely hope that you are not a mother.

Anywho, I will take samandi's comment as my cue to bow out of this discussion. Thanks to all who offered their reasonable advice and opinions. The situation is now sorted out and everyone is happy. Just to clear up a few points before I go DH did seem to have made a definite decision last night, but we were both upset and not communicating very well, and when we spoke later on today it transpired that he had been very conflicted about his decision and had made up his mind after I had gone to sleep that it was not the right solution we did not get a chance to talk about it when we got up in the morning so I arrived at work in the frame of mind I was in my original post. I also was not very clear in my OP about where I was planning to be on Christmas Day. The family gathering for my Gran is happening a couple of minutes walk from our home, whereas I would be at my Dad's over thirty miles away, hence the need for a car. I was planning to travel to my Dad's on Christmas Eve and then straight from his to work on the 27th - DH would never have considered leaving me alone in our house all Christmas! I can't take any more holiday - I used it all up visiting my Gran a few months ago, and besides, we have a rule at work about someone needing to cover phones between Christmas and new year and I have drawn the short straw this year.

Finally, I have no qualms about DH knowing my username and do not feel I need a secret place to exchange unbiased opinions. At no stage in our relationship have I ever felt the need to hide things like this from DH, especially when I feel I was a little foolish and naive to post on such a public forum in the first place.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas!

If you are happy to spend your baby's first Christmas with his family next year, then he needs to get on board and do things your way this year.

You're pregnant, not up to that amount of travel & socialising, don't have enough time at work and have two particularly special family events of your own this year.

Time he realised that when you get married, compromise is one of the things you sign up for.

Don't worry elderberry. The post has also been reported as it is despicable.

Obviously x-posted. Glad you got it sorted, Christmas arrangements can be a right bugger!

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset. I'd be upset too if my OH was more keen to go partying than be with me.

Why is your OH so dead set on going to London for Christmas? Is it really to see his parents or is it because he wants to be out in pubs and parties? He sounds just like my BiL who still leads a bachelor lifestyle and insists on Christmas lunch at his parents every year, just like when he was little. My sister puts up with it too.

When you have a baby will you never spend Christmas in London again? Life doesn't end when you become a parent. You can still go to family parties.

Why can't you compromise on this? Is he not willing to budge a bit if you are? If he agreed to spend Christmas with you and your family would be be sulky about it?

I don't get why a newly married couple with a baby on the way would be spending Christmas apart. Makes no sense to me.

The party for your gran clearly means a lot to you and is obviously a one-off thing, unlike the regular boozy Christmas Eves your OH will soon be 'missing out on'. I would suggest that you spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in Yorkshire and then drive to London on Boxing Day or for the New Year perhaps.

Good lord, what a reaction!

I'm not entirely sure why some posters think my comments on abortion were "repulsive" or "despicable". Perhaps those posters have a problem with abortion, but it's a perfectly legal (and acceptable in most parts) procedure in the UK. I find it quite odd that my comment has been removed actually, but presumably some fundamentalists here don't allow discussion of or commenting on abortion. Personally I see it as repulsive and despicable that someone would describe abortion as repulsive or despicable.

I was talking about what I would do in that situation - I clearly said "personally if it was me" (or something like that, can't see now!). I did NOT advise the OP to have an abortion. Personally if a man was not 100% committed to me during early pregnancy I would definitely reconsider going through with it. I do not want to be a single mother or a mother in an unequal or unsupportive relationship and my DP ignoring my wishes when I was ill and vulnerable WOULD be a massive red flag to me.

It was also not meant to upset, but some posters will see whaever motives they like I guess.

I sincerely hope that you are not a mother.

Why, because I would consider an abortion? Lots of mothers HAVE had abortions. How does that make you feel? Repulsed?

I am pro-choice, I am, however, disgusted that you would advise someone to get an abortion because of a simple arguement. You knew full well both parents were on here and you decided to go ahead with you disgusting remark that was only designed to upset, it wasn't a comment that was meant to help anyone in any way.

Why, because I would consider an abortion? Lots of mothers HAVE had abortions. How does that make you feel? Repulsed?

but some posters will see whaever motives they like I guess

^ I guess you are right there.

samandi- it's nothing to do with the politics of abortion, you are attributing motives and agendas here where there are none.

I think you should be know by now that Mumsnet is not populated by frothing pro lifers.

No. Your comment was deleted and reported because it was offensive and tactless and not very kind. I'm amazed you can't see that.

I'm amazed you think we're not big and strong enough to cope with seeing the word abortion. It wasn't that at all, your remark was just unkind.

Exactly what Chrissy said.

I feel so sorry for you elder.

You seem to have married a selfish, self-absorbed, idiot that is lacking in empathy, but patronizing in the extreme.

One thing is wanting to spend Christmas apart from his pregnant wife, that is just utterly despicable behavior.

Hunting down your thread to be traipsing around like a patronizing drama queen, something totally different.

Quite a manipulative little dolly isnt he?

I am pro-choice, I am, however, disgusted that you would advise someone to get an abortion because of a simple arguement.

Read my post. I did not advise anything. I said what I might do. But then I probably expect different things of a partner than the OP does.

Simple arguments can sometimes be indicative of greater problems. I've lost count of the number of times I've read on mumsnet that "there were no red flags before we had a baby" or "I didn't know what he was like before". Well, the OP's husband is clearly the kind of person who doesn't always put her first. To me, that is a red flag. He may magically change once they have a baby, but he may also decide to do exactly the same thing next year.

you decided to go ahead with you disgusting remark that was only designed to upset, it wasn't a comment that was meant to help anyone in any way.

Read my post again. It wasn't designed to upset or, particularly, to help. (I didn't realise that "helping" was a condition of posting here.) It was a simple observation and comment on what I would do in the same situation.

That you see remarking on having an abortion as "disgusting" makes me think you are not as pro-choice as you would like to believe.

you are attributing motives and agendas here where there are none

All I'm doing is placing myself in the same situation. I would be extremely unhappy if my partner didn't want to be with me on Christmas Day, especially if I was pregnant and I wanted him to be with me. I would feel very unloved and unsupported. He might love/support me in his own way, but that's not the kind of love/support I would want.

Your comment was deleted and reported because it was offensive and tactless and not very kind

I can't see how it is offensive to say what I would consider in that situation IF abortion itself is not offensive.

It was not designed to be either kind or unkind. If it was tactless then sorry, but a lact of tact is not a particularly strong reason for removing a comment.

I'm amazed you think we're not big and strong enough to cope with seeing the word abortion.

It looks to me as though you can't cope with seeing someone talk about her hypothetical reasons for having an abortion, yes. Those reasons may seem spurious or trivial to you, but to me they would not be.

But seriously, if my new husband decided to leave me alone, pregnant at xmas, i'd be fuming, and he wouldnt get his foot back in the door.

Is this comment advising the OP to leave her husband? Is it particularly kind? So why has this comment not been reported and removed if it is not abortion itself that makes people uncomfortable?

Bollocks samandi. You said to an expectant mother and father who had a simple disagreement that you would be booking in for an abortion, even after they had resolved it. There's no way you didn't mean that to cause offence. I don't find abortion offensive in the slightest. I find your cheap use of it to insult offensive.

I see advising a woman who is obviously happy about being pregnant to have an abortion because you don't agree with her husbands actions as disgusting.

Defend your post all you like, try and turn it around into us all being against abortion all you like, the fact remains it was a nasty comment, MNHQ agreed and deleted it. They have left thousands of posts about abortion up before, including many of mine defending a womans right to choose. So why did your particular one get deleted?

For being offensive and personal to the OP and her husband.

Since you are the only one defending what you wrote could you not maybe conceed you were wrong, apologise to the couple you offended and move on.

I would really rather this thread ended now. I was foolish and naïve to post in the first place and these comments about my DH, who none of you know personally, are actually quite upsetting. I wanted some advice on how to deal with a transient issue in an otherwise rock solid relationship. I could list the ways in which we have helped each other over the years, give examples of his kindness and sense of humour, but why should I defend myself when some of you are clearly of the opinion that this misstep on his part is evidence that his horrible true colours are now showing? As for him ?traipsing around this thread like a drama queen,? to be perfectly honest I find that the fact that he came on here to give his side of the story quite adorable, and not manipulative in the slightest. There isn?t a manipulative bone in his body!

I will repeat. You. Do. Not. Know. Him.

Again, I hope that everyone who has given thoughtful and even-sided advice will realise that I am not referring to them, and no offense to you is intended in the above.

You'll never ask for impartial, outside advice again though, will you love ?

Strike one to MrElder