To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

[elderberryspokes]

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

Hello all,

I stumbled across this when doing a search on "mumsnet+Christmas+husband" following a conversation I've just had with my wife... just to see the responses.

I have thoroughly enjoyed the reasoned debate and some of YABU and making pretty bizarre OTT comments and suggestions... I've even picked up some mumsnet acronym favourites through reading through the last 7 pages :)

Both the OH and I have been conflicted over this Christmas and it's not an ideal situation that we both want to spend out Christmas in different locations this year. I partly associate with some comments made about this being my last Christmas not being a father and this has led me to be a little selfish and want to let my hair down so to speak. Realistically, I would like to spend Christmas with the OH and my family going to our various get together planned this year and the OH would like a slightly slower paced day at her fathers enjoying the company.

I have to concede that I have enjoyed the commentary but am disappointed with some of the responses made and would be ashamed to make the same comments/assumptions on another persons situation.

Since making the decision to be away from the OH, I have not felt comfortable with my choice. Although being with my family is important to me, being with my OH, especially during this time of our lives is more important so I will be spending Christmas with the OH and her family.

Thank you all for making my day with the reasoned, witty, crude and bizarre commentary. I have really enjoyed the debate.

Merry Christmas,

elderberryspokes's DH

Good for you Elder's DH. Though your DW is, of course, your family too. :) Hope you all have a merry Christmas (sedate or not!) - and good luck with baby.

Whew! Glad you realized how unreasonable you were being!

I can imagine the comments felt harsh, but, well ... you know now you did rather deserve it!

eldersDH you may feel posters shuld be ashamed of their comments, but you should be ashamed of having upset your pregnant wife and left her feeling the need to come on an anonymous talkboard!

Don't let her feel so isolated ever again! You are a team now.

EldersDH It is really nice of you to come onto this thread and post with such grace.

Have a lovely Christmas, the two three of you!

:) glad that's sorted.

I am taking all comments in good humour. There is only one person I care for dearly on this thread. I thought I'd resolve this OTT thread with my response above.

I don't feel I deserve anything and again am disappointed with some of the responses made and would be ashamed to make the same comments/assumptions on another individuals situation without understanding it fully.

See I told you he probably wasn't a complete cunt.

Forgive me, but I don't think 'good humour' quite covers telling people who gave advice in good faith that they were being 'crude' or 'bizarre', or taking them to task and telling them they should be ashamed.

It is actually extremely rude, when it is quite obvious you're the person here who got something badly wrong, to start ticking off other people.

You sound as if you are trying to shift the blame from yourself, to other people. That is very underhand.

I would be ashamed to treat my partner as you treat yours. I am pleased you have seen some sense, but I feel 'thank you' would be more appropriate than telling people you're 'disappointed' in them.

My DH came on here once to add his side of the story. I got flamed :o That was a bizarre thread.

Jeeeez the poor bloke came on AIBU of all places to defend himself to a bunch of strangers and is still getting it in the neck.

Why should he thank people since he has been called a shit husband, a shit dad, childish, immature and all the rest of it. I wouldn't be thanking anyone for that either.

Hope all the Elders have a wonderful xmas.

Well, he has just been pretty rude, though!

I have to say, I am now rethinking because I've just realized how dedicated he was. This thread doesn't even show up for me on the first page of results for his searches, he must have been trawling for hours through google results!

www.google.co.uk/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=mumsnet%2BChristmas%2Bhusband&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&redir_esc=&ei=MFXLUNX_CoeZ0QX004HoDQ

Poor bloke. But, eldersDH, maybe if you spent more time talking to your wife and trying to see her point, instead of googling and trawling through loads of results in the vague hope of finding this rather needle-like thread in the haystack of threads about mumsnet, christmas, and husband, you might not get flamed another time.

Good on you, EldersDH. We didn't all think you were a cunt, y'know. But I do think you've now done the right and thoughtful thing now - and are prepared to admit it to the not always reasonable MN jury . So have an excellent Christmas all of you.

LRD calm down you know one thing about this person. I'm sure there are things in your life which, if taken in total isolation, and told from another person's point of view make you look pretty awful.

My thoughts exactly LRD

Hopefully he is just a bit narked and this is also out of character for him. I wish them both a merry Christmas!

I'm perfectly calm, thanks.

I just think he's fairly rude to come on here and call people names.

If you notice, I did acknowledge a couple of times to the OP that I don't know him and I'm aware of that, so no need to pretend I was getting my pitchfork out.

chased - I'll hope that too.

"See I told you he probably wasn't a complete cunt."'

Maybe it's just the light, but from the angle the cockhead is just coming into clearer focus.

:o

The indignation is amusing though.

Thing is, eldersdh-you´ll be able to do "your" Christmas maybe next year.

OP perhaps won´t as it relies on her sister visiting & it´s unlikely there´ll be another party for her Gran!

I don't think he's a cunt at all.

And there goes MN, breaking the balls of yet another man.

I think his balls are fine, all we'v done is talk

I think most people's first impression of MN (especially if it's an AIBU thread) would include "crude" :o

Happy ending!!

oh my god. yes of course he should have come on here and said 'thanks for calling me a cock, much appreciated MN'

He has conceded it wasn't the best idea and he has compromised.