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Original poster

To not want DH to spend Christmas with his family

319 replies

elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 13:07

I normally wouldn?t dream of posting something like this on a public forum, but would really appreciate some advice, as I honestly don?t know whether this is just hormones making me completely unreasonable or indeed if I am just being a selfish cow!

I am 8 weeks pregnant and feeling rather rotten and pukey. I married my DH in August and so this will be our first Christmas as husband and wife.

DH is adamant that he is spending Christmas Day and Boxing Day with his family in London. We live in Yorkshire, and for the last three years Christmas has looked like this:

2009 ? My Parents

2010 ? His Parents

2011 ? Our House (my parents and his parents came to Christmas dinner).

This year my sister is coming up for the first time in three years ? she lives over 300 miles away and I only see her a couple of times a year. There?s also a family party on Christmas Day night in honour of my Gran who died a couple of months ago. I?m unable to go as I don?t drive and my Dad?s house is 30 miles away, which is quite upsetting, as are the Christmas cards that keep coming through from friends and relatives congratulating us on our first married Christmas together :(

I spoke to DH last night about how unhappy I have been feeling and he said that it is not an ideal situation but we just have to get on with it this year, as it will be the last year we can both go to our respective parents (meaning that next year we will have a baby). I do understand where he is coming from and know how desperate he is to have Christmas like he did when he was younger ? i.e. out with his friends on Christmas Eve, going out to various family friends on Christmas Day, big party on Boxing Day at his Aunt and Uncles. He?s said that if he does not go down then he will not have as good a Christmas because he will be away from his family. I also understand that because I feel awful leaving my family to spend Christmas with his.

However, I am left with the certainty that if he goes down on Christmas Day then I won?t have as good a Christmas because I?ll miss him, especially as I?m feeling ill and want him around more (which has been exacerbated by the fact that he has been working late in the run up to Christmas ? obviously he cannot help that). He admitted last night that he probably wouldn?t miss me as much as Christmas at his parents? house is so busy and fun so he?ll have more distractions.

I am so confused right now. I don?t know if I should keep bringing it up or leave things as they are and try and enjoy Christmas in the same way I would have done before I met him (we?ve been together for ten years). I really want to stress that the rest of the time he is a wonderful husband and I love him to pieces but he?s refusing to come to any compromise ? i.e. spending Christmas Day together and going to the party on Boxing Day, or spending Christmas Day apart and Boxing Day together. I?m back at work on the 27th so when he does get back I?ll only see him in the evenings as he is off work.

This situation just doesn?t feel right to me....

OP posts:
moodymai · 14/12/2012 17:37

You are his immediate family now so I dont think its unreasonable you to want to be together. I think he needs to adjust to being married and no longer single

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 14/12/2012 17:43

"I am compromising on my Christmas to ensure OP has an awesome time"

LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 17:45

OP, where have you gone?

Tell us, is he always this patronizing? Does he usually feel the need to tell other people you didn't 'stomp your feet' while making a perfectly reasonable request? And have you considered buying him a 'back to basics' book about pregnancy so he can learn about morning sickness?

Best of luck with him.

EldersDH · 14/12/2012 17:48

again with balls!

Merry Christmas MN

Xmas Smile
wordfactory · 14/12/2012 17:50

EldersDH you say you were in the middle of the decuision making process, so why did your DW think you had already made up your mind?

You say you were always uncomfortable with leaving your DW, so why did she not know this?

Either you are a dreadful communicator or you are spinning things here in your favour. Or perhaps your DW is lying?

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2012 17:52

Are you posting from a different device, EldersDH ?

MrsFlibble · 14/12/2012 18:06

Ok, could you not compromise in returning home on the 26th so DW can get back to work, or is that out of the question.

But seriously, if my new husband decided to leave me alone, pregnant at xmas, i'd be fuming, and he wouldnt get his foot back in the door.

Gay40 · 14/12/2012 18:09

Grown adults, ie grown up adult people with jobs and mortages and the eligibility to vote sound extremely sad and silly when they talk about "going home" for Christmas with mummy and daddy.
Really? Adults? Really?
Christmas is for children in my opinion.

MrsLyman · 14/12/2012 18:17

I have two homes, the house I live in and the place I'm from, sometimes I like to go home to the place I'm from. This doesn't mean I'm not an adult Hmm

kerala · 14/12/2012 18:27

Mantle has passed in our family anyway - its me that hosts Christmas now parents (and siblings) come to us. Parents with much relief after 30 odd years hosting Christmas with all that entails they are thrilled to sit back and let DH and I do it.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 14/12/2012 18:38

I'd say this guy is no more the OP's husband than I am.

Original poster
elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 18:46

Sorry for disappearing ? I made the initial post during my lunch hour and couldn?t spend the rest of the afternoon on mumsnet! After some of the responses (a little naïve of me, I admit) I felt awful for posting about DH when he wasn?t around to defend himself, so emailed him to let him know what I?d done. It doesn?t surprise me that he?s now managed to find the thread and seems to be making himself comfortable!

For what it is worth, I would like to confirm that DH is not lying, or spinning things in his favour ? he?s just giving his side of the story.

LRDtheFeministDude ? He wasn?t being patronising. Someone earlier in the thread said I had been stomping my feet to get my own way or some such nonsense, presumably without reading the whole thread. No feet were stomped during this incident, I can assure you, and happily it seems that we have come to a compromise that makes a complicated Christmas festive for all concerned :)

(Apologies for letting this bugger loose on mumsnet btw ? I note with a sinking feeling that he now has his own username?)

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDude · 14/12/2012 18:48

elder - I'm afraid I do feel patronized by someone who speaks to me like that. He felt the need to be rude about people, saying he was 'disappointed', which in my book is a fucking patronizing thing to say.

HTH.

Gay40 · 14/12/2012 18:50
Hmm
Original poster
elderberryspokes · 14/12/2012 18:51

Okay...

Strange that you found him rude, considering the names some mumsnetters have been calling him above, but each to their own.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2012 18:51

So, op,, you now have no safe place of your own to get unbiased advice

Happy about that?

AlmostAChristmasHipster · 14/12/2012 19:12

My thoughts exactly, AF!

wordfactory · 14/12/2012 19:23

WellOP, your DH now says he hadn't actually made a decision re xmas. Did he say that to you?

He also says he felt uncomfortable about leaving you. Did he pass that on?

Because your initial posts gave the impression that he had most definitely made up his mind and that there was no room for discussion...

TrillsCarolsOutOfTune · 14/12/2012 19:24

elderberry I suggest that you change your user name and refuse to tell him what it is.

Writehand · 14/12/2012 19:25

I'm glad you've resolved the issue happily, elderberry's husband, but I still find it hard to get my head round you not automatically seeing her as the family you spend any or every Christmas with. You're a married man. Presumably this baby is just as much yours as hers? Because I have to say it sounds like you needed reminding. Your previous plans were those of a boy rather than a man, let alone a father.

If my own DH had gone off for a jolly boozy family Xmas, leaving me at home feeling grim & nauseous with our first child, I would have felt so lonely, so unloved and hurt I might have doubted the whole relationship. Surely protecting & comforting your pregnant wife is one of the major roles of a husband? How would you have felt if you had some really unpleasant virus, I dunno, glandular fever or suchlike and she waltzed off and left ya so she could party?

Luckily my old man was always incredibly kind to me at these moments, even though he was the sort of bloke who never really registered the existence of his kids till they were born.

Whatistodaysname · 14/12/2012 19:37

OK I got as far as page 4, as I see it OP has 3 choices

go to London
Go to Dads
Go to Mums

Its a pretty poor family where no-one would pick OP up and take her to the family Christmas day, it certainly wouldnt happen in mine, 30 miles in nothing, a half an hour drive Christmas Day, an hour both ways, when the roads are empty.

The OP doesnt want DH to spend the day with her, but with her family.

Let him go, with good grace, I would.

samandi · 14/12/2012 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

samandi · 14/12/2012 19:48

Oops hit post too quickly.

Basically it sounds like a big red flag to me.

EldersDH · 14/12/2012 20:11

Absolutely repulsive comment samandi

chrismissymoomoomee · 14/12/2012 20:17

FFS samandi thats a disgusting thing to say