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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to send dd to dads when she is ill?

152 replies

pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:03

DD 5 has chickenpox, some of which are in some VERY painful places. She was due to to dads on wed for an overnight, but I said she wasnt fit. I have had to take a week of unpaid leave to care for her, but he was proposing to let his nany care for her ( who dd doesnt really know) I offered him to visit her here - he declined. He demanded a phonecall at a specific time, but she just wasnt up to it and I told him so, but said I would make sure she called as soon as she was better.
Cue a flurry of emails calling me obstructive, he would be telling the courts, his solicitior, I have denied him contact with his own child, bla bla. He said he had xmas plans and I have denied those to our dd as well as his other children.

The rational part of me says he is being irrational, but he always manages to make me doubt myself. I NEVER cancel contact btw ( although he would say differently). As it stands, poor dd is right now sucking on icepops on the sofa because her mouth is blistered Sad

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
AnneNonimousLetterToSanta · 14/12/2012 12:05

Of course you weren't, she's ill and that's not your fault. If he had your DDs best interest at heart he'd know she needs to stay with you when unwell not a nanny she doesn't know?

He's overreacting.

TryBreatheFly · 14/12/2012 12:07

YANBU. Hope your dd feels better soon. How old is she? A sick child generally prefers to be in their usual home and not moved about! Maybe do a short, unemotional email to him (ie written record) detailing her painful condition and explaining your reasoning but offering to be flexible once she's better.

MsElleTow · 14/12/2012 12:10

YANBU I would have thought he would have been grateful that his other DC weren't exposed to chickenpox this close to Christmas too!

When DS2 had chicken pox quite bad we found bicarbonate of soda in the bath was really good. I hope she is soon better.

Dolallytats · 14/12/2012 12:14

I'm with TBF on this one, make sure you have a written record of your contact with him.
I wouldn't be happy with my poorly child being in the care of a nanny.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:16

thanks all

She is 5. To be fair, he asked,,,well no, demanded that the time be 'made up' this weekend. The thing is though, both of us only have one full weekend a month with dd ( we split the other two weekends) and this one coming up is mine. We have plans that we made ages ago, so I said no. I fail to see why time needs to be 'made up'. DD wasnt on a holiday, she has been very sick, and in fact, neither of us have had much sleep. It hasnt been pleasant at all, least of all for poor dd. She is on the mend now, but we are still at home. I've lost a weeks salary, not that I begrudge that at all, but ex wasnt proposing to make any such sacrafices, he was proposiing to leave her with his nanny.

He loves her very much, and her him. But i dont think that caring for our sick child isnt something that I should then be punished for by losing out on my weekend with her whens she is better. Is my thinking wrong there?

He refuses to visit her here.

OP posts:
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 14/12/2012 12:20

As a nanny I wouldn't be happy with being expected to look after a child with chicken pox that I hardly knew either own charges completely different so in all aspects your ex is being completely unreasonable.

Your DD needs to be at home getting better with her mum not being left with a stranger, YANBU

PuffPants · 14/12/2012 12:22

Do you not fancy a bit of time to yourself after a tough week caring hit a sick child? I imagine I would bite his hand off at that offer. However, of you have made plans, do as you please. He will just have to accept it. The courts won't give a stuff what he thinks of this. It's a one off. The child was ill. C'est la vie.

Hope you enjoy your special weekend Smile

PuffPants · 14/12/2012 12:23

Um, caring FOR a sick child. Not hitting them. That's not good...Blush

hiddenhome · 14/12/2012 12:25

YANBU he sounds like my control freak ex who would sit around demanding this and that, threatening me with court, but refusing to take responsibility when it really counted Hmm

Keep a diary recording any contact that he misses - including phone contact - then give the reason next to it.

Children get sick and sick children need to be at home, not being shuttled between parents just because one of them's having an adult tantrum.

Don't let your ex push you around and threaten you. Take no notice of what he's doing and stand your ground. It gets much easier as the children get older.

quoteunquote · 14/12/2012 12:26

If you drop down dead tomorrow, who will look after your daughter and see to all her needs?

I'm sure if your daughter's father had her most of the time, you would be upset if he didn't allow you to see her because she was ill, maybe he doesn't just want to be just a fair weather parent.

If you have an agreement either stick to it, or come up with a new agreement that suits you both,

you do risk being seen as unreasonable, and if you are involved with courts that could work against you,

sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you don't think about it from his point of view, you will create unnecessary problems, which will use up energy better spent positively.

chrismissymoomoomee · 14/12/2012 12:30

You weren't unreasonable at all, however I know of someone whos daughter was ill, she said no to contact that day, and as the Dad had a court order he showed up with the police and took his daughter anyway (he was a fucking prick) I don't know if she had been obstructive beforehand (he said yes, she said no), but because it was in place apparently he was entitled to take her on 'his days' whether she was ill or not. :( Bloody awful situation for the poor little girl.

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable about the weekend tbh, could you not split that weekend too since he also had plans. Its no-ones fault but I'm sure that your DD is missing her Dad and was looking forward to the things he had planned too.

hiddenhome · 14/12/2012 12:31

You can't send a sick child to another person's house even if it is her father. He was going to get the nanny to care for her ffs. The child comes first in any contact dealings. A sick child wants to remain home in bed.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:33

The thing is....we are already goign through the courts. He is taking me there because he wants dd every weekend ( yes, every weekend) We were in court this week, and he offered me 1 weekend in 4, which I rejected, so we have been referrred to mediation. I am draeading this because he intimidates me, and makes me believe I am wrong on every level, hence this post. We are back in court for a review hearing in feb. He is now sending emails saying he will let the judge decide about my cancelling his contact this week. Ironnically, we were in court on the day that I had to cancel the contact and he never brought it up? Talk about bad timing for poor dd to take ill on that week of all weeks!

Anyway, he is raging with me, but wont visit her here 'due to the bad atmosphere'. I would have thought that if you are going to take someone to court, you can expect that you wont be the best of friends anymore, however, whilst we no longer talk, we dont argue in front of dd, so cant see why he cant just visit her here. He is now saying I've denied him telephone contact - I HAVEN't, she just wasnt up to it!! argggghh!! He said he will be making the court aware of my refusing telephone contact.

The irony of this, is that in court, I asked to be able to speak to dd every other day when is with him during holiday periods. He refused, saying that it was disruptive for her. He would ony allow every 3rd day.

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 14/12/2012 12:35

Yanbu, and you did offer him the opportunity for contact at your house (appropriate in the circumstances) which he declined, so he's on a hiding to nothing if gecwsntscto go to court and say you withheld contact!

She's ill, she wants a parent, if he had been prepared to stay off work maybe it would have been reasonable for her to go, but he wasn't so it wasn't. Fin.

chrismissymoomoomee · 14/12/2012 12:37

I think, given what you say, its probably very wise that he doesn't visit your home.

Have you taken some photos of how bad her spots are so you have proof how ill she is and why she can't talk?

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:37

quote - his plans were to put up their xmas tree, which he says is now an event which I have denied to his entire family.
My plans this weekend were to see family who are coming to visit. I havent refused to let him see her, I said he could come here - he refused.

Also, the issue of not wanting to be a fair weather parent. He definitely isnt one of those, but he was proposing to leave her with a nanny, rather than her mother. Really?

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 14/12/2012 12:38

pingu stand your ground and be assertive. As long as you're not denying contact on a regular basis then he can't do anything. This is exactly what my ex partner did and it wore me down, but you need to resist his attempts to bully you. He is using court to try and intimidate you. The courts don't like whining fathers and will look at this more objectively. The judge will understand that your dd has been sick and that children do get sick and can't travel and go places when they're like this. Your ex is treating your dd like a possession Angry

Just appear calm and reasonable in court. Let him rant and rave if he wants to, they just makes themselves look stupid.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:40

I havent taken photos of her spots, she has loads, the worst of which are bless her on her back passage. She has only two in her mouth, and they arent preventing her from talking, she is jsut feeling so under the weather. She has one on her eye lid and another on the rim of her eye which is closing it shut, poor ddSad

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 14/12/2012 12:41

He is obviously sadly lacking if he thinks that court is going to solve all his contact problems Hmm In my experience, it just increases the animosity.

He sounds like a total wanker.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:42

thanks everyone. I felt sick about the court process, and even more so that it didnt get sorted this week. He wrote some terrible things about my parenting on the court application, but when we got to court, he didnt want to discuss or pursue those - only wanted to discuss contact. So I had worried myself sick, couldnt sleep, was in shock abotu all the things he had written, and when it came down to it, he didnt have the courage of his convictions. Awful really.

OP posts:
chrismissymoomoomee · 14/12/2012 12:43

What a shame :( could you maybe get a doctors note or something maybe for the court. I think it might be better to have something to say she was actually really ill so he can't say you made it up.

mrsscoob · 14/12/2012 12:46

YANBU don't for one second think you were. I am presuming it would have been easier for you if she had gone to her Dads as you wouldn't have had to take unpaid leave from work. So you were putting your childs needs first, unlike her father who just didn't want his christmas plans ruined. You sound lovely and he sounds like a dick Smile

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:46

He currently has her two nights a week, once during the week and another at the weekend, we currenly split the hols in hald. Essentially, we split her free time down the middle. What he wants now though, is to drop the mid week due to the distance, and make up the time by having her more at the weekend. I work full time though and dd is at school, so doesnt see how unfair this arrangement would be, Least of all on dd who would be taken from her community, activities, friends everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:49

yes it would have been easier if she went to her dads and I got paid at work - but he was so vague about who was going to look after her, kept saying 'my family' etc. He works full time, so what he meant by family etc was a nanny and possibly his wife. Ex likes to tell me he was there when he isnt. I am not against his wife looking after her at all, but I am against dd being taken from here, when she feels so ill, wanted me to be with her, and would be more than likely looked after by the nanny.

OP posts:
mrsscoob · 14/12/2012 12:57

Exactly. I would hate to have to move to a different house in the middle of feeling ill, can't imagine how the would feel for a 5 year old. You totally did the right thing. Don't give him second thought.