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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to send dd to dads when she is ill?

152 replies

pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:03

DD 5 has chickenpox, some of which are in some VERY painful places. She was due to to dads on wed for an overnight, but I said she wasnt fit. I have had to take a week of unpaid leave to care for her, but he was proposing to let his nany care for her ( who dd doesnt really know) I offered him to visit her here - he declined. He demanded a phonecall at a specific time, but she just wasnt up to it and I told him so, but said I would make sure she called as soon as she was better.
Cue a flurry of emails calling me obstructive, he would be telling the courts, his solicitior, I have denied him contact with his own child, bla bla. He said he had xmas plans and I have denied those to our dd as well as his other children.

The rational part of me says he is being irrational, but he always manages to make me doubt myself. I NEVER cancel contact btw ( although he would say differently). As it stands, poor dd is right now sucking on icepops on the sofa because her mouth is blistered Sad

Was I unreasonable?

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mowbraygirl · 14/12/2012 18:00

My friends DD used to have the same sort of trouble with her Ex over contact with their DD who was 5 at the time.
He sounded just like your ex demanding this and that and threatening court all the time. She used to keep a diary of all contacts and copy all his emails and kept them.

He used to have her of a Saturday every second week this particular time she had been off school the day before with a tummy bug so she contacted him to tell and he was shouting at her over the phone that their was nothing wrong with the child and he was having her. He arrived and shouted to the DD to get off the sofa she said she wasn't feeling well he just shoved out the door into his wife's new company car. Within 15 minutes he was back banging on the front door shouting swearing the DD had been sick all over the back seat of the new car and they were going to have to pay for the car to be valeted.

Friends DD and her new husband said no way as he had been told the child was not feeling well.

Another time the little DD had the chickenpox had only had it a day and he insisted on taking her despite her not being at all well and being told that she was contagious, of course he said he knew best. He was not very happy when his wife got it.

Nowdays because they now have a baby he only sees her about once a month if that as they are so tied up with the baby and then is only for a few hours.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 18:16

wow mowbray, hard to believe parents can get so blindsided like that. Its really really sad for the childSad

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kinkyfuckery · 14/12/2012 18:17

Can you Skype of video call him in some way so he can see how ill she is?

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 18:25

I dont have skype, but would be willling to set it up, perhaps I should suggest this.

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Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 19:29

ok he has just spoken to dd on the phone and ive asked by email if wants to take dd out tomorrow during the day. I said if she isnt up to it, he could stay here with her and I would go out.

Is that fair?

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IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 19:38

It's more than fair, but are you seriously going to give a man who obviously wants as much dirt on you as possible free access to your house?

Lock up any private paperwork make sure he can't take pictures claiming your house is dirty ect.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 19:46

My house is immaculate thanks to a cleanerGrin
I know what you mean, but wouldnt it loop bad on him if he did that? They'd ask where he got the pictures! I dont think he would do that anyway tbh ( hopes)

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IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 19:54

Thing is all her really has to say is " I was just so concerned about the conditions my poor defenceless dc is kept in I just had to nice mr judge"

People get away with all manor of things in the name of protecting there children.

Writehand · 14/12/2012 20:04

I'm going against the general consensus here, but I think perhaps YABU (a bit). I'm a stepmother, so I've seen it from the other side.

He's her dad. She's not a guest in his house, she's his baby. He has as much right to care for his sick daughter as you do and his house is her home too. Perhaps you're right that she'd prefer to stay with you, but she might have had no problem being looked after by him, his wife and/or the nanny. Children are resilient & they adapt as long as they feel secure. Surely sharing parenting doesn't mean that he's only going to see her when she's well?

Why condemn his care because it may not be him personally that provides it? How many children are cared for by extended family? And umpteen parents pay other people to care for their kids - we don't condemn them. A nanny isn't the worst thing that can happen to a child, by any means. He lost his weekend - I can see why he's upset. I expect he had plans too, and I can see why he think it's unfair. Does it not seem possible that he'd rather have had her ill and needing nursing than not have her at all?

Next time, I'd let him have her. If he's as selfish as you think, it might put him off asking to have her when she's ill another time. Xmas Wink

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 20:13

Writehand i totally get you and if dd had a bug or cold, I'd have sent her, as it happens she had a nasty bout of chickenpox in some of the most unfortunate places- and was the most miserable I have EVER seen her. He was proposing I lift her from her bed where she lay crying almost all day to give her to a nanny that she has met just once. She just wasn't up to it. If ex had actually asked me about dd in these last 5 days, I'd have been able to tell him I was giving her baths at 4 in the morning to ease the pain of the blisters that were in areas where I just couldn't help her. I offered him to visit. He won't.
Ps- this isn't his weekend. It's mine. He missed his midweek visit. We both only get one full weekend a month so they are precious to both of us. I've now offered him to take her out for the day tomorrow. ( on my weekend) and is more time than he would get with dd on a mid week visit anyway.

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MrsCampbellBlack · 14/12/2012 20:17

Is it still meant to be the case that the child's interests are paramount? Because clearly making a child with chicken pox travel for 1.5 hours is unreasonable - anyone could see that. As others have said - you wouldn't make an adult do that would you?

Your ex sounds an arse and I really hope you've got a good solicitor and can come to an arrangement with your ex which is best for your DD. And I hope you get to speak to her over christmas.

merrymouse · 14/12/2012 20:24

Hardly think having a sick child in the house would have contributed to the Xmas tree experience. Agree with others. Finding child care for your child with chickenpox is not a suitable substitute for parenting a child with chickenpox.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 21:45

Well he hasn't responded to my suggestion of taking her out tomorrow, so what more can I do?
I actually don't know what more I can do with this man. He says he is upset not to see dd, I offer a visit. He says that's not good enough, I offer the day out on my weekend, but that's not enough either.

Is this in dd's interests?Angry

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IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 22:12

You've offered he has not responded so now you do nothing until
He is due next time when you smile and be cheerful as you wave her off.

You don't need to do anything else.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 22:15

If he answers tomorrow morn or afternoon what do I do? He often takes a long time to answer emails: /

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IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 22:19

If he says yes I would like her sat then you ask what time he wants to collect her and tell him when you need her home by.If he doesn't want to then you do nothing you have made a few reasonable offers he's refused.

That's the end of yours and his conversation regarding this weekend, it really is that simple

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 22:22

Yeah that's what I'll do. I offered 3 hours ago, its annoying that I might be waiting around tomorrow to see what he decides:/

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IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2012 00:33

You do not need to wait around, if he has not responded with in reasonable time you and dd get on with your day, I would think 10.45 am to be reasonable time for him to respond by

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 15/12/2012 12:41

update, I've had an response to my offer to take dd out today. He said that he had sent me a solicitors letter and still wants dd sunday evening. End of.
I think now that I will just cancel my family plans and let him have her. Really, the bullying wears me down and it isnt good for dd. They are coming from some distance, so its a shame, but might be able to reschedule.

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bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 15/12/2012 12:55

Pingu, it's ultimately your decision but I really can't see why you would be deemed obstructive just because you don't jump to his tune. Your have been reason personified through this. He is an utter bastard.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 15/12/2012 12:58

bunchy- Ok I am going to try and reason with him ONE last time. I sent a response to say (again) that dd did not attend contact for no other reason that a genuine contagious illness. I offered for him to have her for the day, and I would collect her from his house later tonight. That way, he can put up his tree, and all our plans can still go ahead.

Hope he accepts thatSad

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bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 15/12/2012 12:58

Sorry I know I'm repeating myself but this is your DD's w/e with you, you have plans that cannot easily be re-arranged and you have offered time today if the fucking tree is so important. I'm so angry on your behalf that you are being subjected to this. SadAngry

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2012 13:00

Does it matter if he sends you a letter regardless of who it is from. You are giving him permission to behave like this if you give in.

Nothing wrong with being compliant when he is being reasonable but when he is not doing so will just make stuff like this continue the very next time he wishes to cause you problems.

Should I have approached a solisiter with this example and I was him,I would expect to be told not to be so bullish and get over myself.

He has already sent the letter you changing your plans will not change the content of it.

You do realise that one day he is going to attempt to follow through with his threats to get residency ect and the more compliant you are when he is being twattish the better chance you give him.

As long as you are not obstructive as long as every step you take is in dd best interests and encourages contact without it being to her and your detriment, and you can evidence this then you should be fine.

You know when he has her he is very obstructive to you so why would you place him in a suituation where you risk him getting her full time?

Unless of course you think he's right, do you not have your own solisiter who can advise you as to what's likely?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 15/12/2012 13:00

I wish I could tell him to stick that tree where it will hurt the most. God, you must be exhausted with his shite.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 15/12/2012 13:03

bunchy and sock - exhausted would be an understatement. Its like he loses completely the ability to see things from dd's point of view. I am SO work down with all this.

Sock, I know he would like residency, has said so many times. I dont see how though, that refusing to let him have her tomorrow will help me any? only make it worseSad

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