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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to send dd to dads when she is ill?

152 replies

pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:03

DD 5 has chickenpox, some of which are in some VERY painful places. She was due to to dads on wed for an overnight, but I said she wasnt fit. I have had to take a week of unpaid leave to care for her, but he was proposing to let his nany care for her ( who dd doesnt really know) I offered him to visit her here - he declined. He demanded a phonecall at a specific time, but she just wasnt up to it and I told him so, but said I would make sure she called as soon as she was better.
Cue a flurry of emails calling me obstructive, he would be telling the courts, his solicitior, I have denied him contact with his own child, bla bla. He said he had xmas plans and I have denied those to our dd as well as his other children.

The rational part of me says he is being irrational, but he always manages to make me doubt myself. I NEVER cancel contact btw ( although he would say differently). As it stands, poor dd is right now sucking on icepops on the sofa because her mouth is blistered Sad

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 16:14

you are right about having no cpncept of being ill. The time she had the burst ear drum, he kept shouting that she was fine, and that she wanted to help him put his tree. The tree, AGAIN.

OP posts:
Enfyshedd · 14/12/2012 16:19

and as the Dad had a court order he showed up with the police and took his daughter anyway (he was a fucking prick) I don't know if she had been obstructive beforehand (he said yes, she said no), but because it was in place apparently he was entitled to take her on 'his days' whether she was ill or not. Bloody awful situation for the poor little girl.

Is this the uk? It's odd if it is as the police do not get involved with contact stuff he would have had to take her back to court.

My friend's had to get the police involved before now. There was a disagreement over the details of the court order over an agreed holiday period - my friend couldn't find her copy & thought that her DC was due back a day earlier than what was actually agreed. Also, her ex & his DParents weren't answering their phones. The police went to her ex's home, her ex's DParents's home, her ex's Dsis's home and her ex's then DFiancee's home to try to track them down - no answer at anyone's home between 7 & 8am. I think it turned out he'd taken the DC to a hotel with his DFiancee. She was in tears until she had the call to say that he'd responded to an answerphone message from the police, then later he called her and gave her a load of abuse over the phone for getting the police involved.

chrismissymoomoomee · 14/12/2012 16:26

Never noticed you asked if that was in the UK, it was, up in Scotland. I don't know the circumstances leading to it, but he showed up with the police and took his ill daughter then dropped her back 2 days later.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 16:36

god almight, the police? thats harsh.Shock

OP posts:
MerryChristmasEverybody · 14/12/2012 16:39

Sorry but YABVU He is her father. If you were living together, would you tell him he couldn't see her? No? So why on earth is it any different because he lives away from her.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2012 16:41

But they aren't living together are they?

HalleLouja · 14/12/2012 16:43

If he was willing to take time off to look after your DD then you would have been a bit unreasonable. A little bit though transporting a child when ill wouldn't be pleasant. However, the fact he was going to fob to the nanny then YANBU.

mrsscoob · 14/12/2012 16:44

She didn't say he couldn't see her MerryChristmas, she said she was to ill to leave the house and be looked after by a Nanny.

Would you want to leave home and go somewhere else if you were ill. I doubt it.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 16:46

Merry - have you actually read this thread?

OP posts:
mrsscoob · 14/12/2012 16:46

I think Merry might be your Ex OP Xmas Grin

BeanieStats · 14/12/2012 16:48

What if your DS were to come down with something similar whilst she was with her farther? Would you be happy for her to stay with him until she recovered for however long that may be?

NicknameTaken · 14/12/2012 16:48

I think the transporting of the child is the issue. If she had fallen sick at her dad's place, and the OP was insisting on dragging her home, that would be unreasonable. But not wanting a poorly child to be uprooted out of her bed and exposed to the journey on a very cold and miserable winter's day, when not absolutely necessary - that is reasonable. OP is putting the best interest of the child first, and that's what the court looks for.

(I've just found out that my ex has kept DD back from school today because she has a cough. I wouldn't have done it, but I don't mind that he has, and I have no intention of intervening. So I'm not coming at it from a poor-sick-baby-needs-her-mummy-only perspective).

IneedAsockamnesty · 14/12/2012 16:49

Enfyshedd, not handing over a child for contact and expecting the police to sort it out is not quite the same as an allegation of kidnapp from a frantic resident parent.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 16:49

Beanie, yes I would. And I would hope that he would let me come and see her, although I know that he wouldnt.

That, is the difference between us.

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BeanieStats · 14/12/2012 16:56

Well if you can honestly say that then fair enough. As it happens I agree that ferrying an ill child about is probably not for the best - however as bar dad he is just as capable as caring for your DD as you are. Her being ill isn't necessarily an obstacle to him having her.

I don't think you're being particularly unreasonable here simply because of the logistics of it rather than the idea that her being ill is a reason not to send her.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 17:11

I know, but he wasnt providing the care - his nanny and his wife were.

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BeanieStats · 14/12/2012 17:17

But that doesn't really matter - just as you having a family member look after your DD doesn't matter if you should have her.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 17:20

he wanted me to let her be taken to be looked after by a nanny, 14 miles away, a journey which according to him takes 1.5 hours due to traffic. My brother coming here to look after her caused her no discomfort beanie. Plus I had little choice, because ex summonsed me to court that afternoon. It isnt really the same I dont think?

OP posts:
mrsscoob · 14/12/2012 17:23

Of course its not the same. 50/50 parenting is great in an ideal world. Unfortunately when one of the parents is a selfish arse it isn't quite as straight forward. What caring parent in their right mind would want to drag a sick child on a 1.5 hour journey when they should be tucked up in bed.

BeanieStats · 14/12/2012 17:34

The point is that how he chooses to care for her isn't really any of your business (with the obvious exceptions) just as how you chose to care for her is none of his.

In principle the fact that your DD is ill doesn't preclude your ex having her, just as it doesn't for you. How your ex chooses to look after her - weather that be a nanny or whatever, doesn't really matter, just as if you chose to have someone look after her if you needed to go out (for example).

I know it's easy to say 'sick child needs her mum more than a nanny / stepmum' but objectively it doesn't matter. He is her father and (presumably) just as capable as caring for his sick child as you are.

As I've already said, I don't think you're being unreasonable due to the logistics of the situation, but you really aren't looking at this objectively.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 14/12/2012 17:35

YANBU

Could you offer an additional night during next week to make up for it instead? So he has her Tues and Weds for example. Then you keep your weekend and he is given some extra time. I agree with others who say it is about playing the long game, but that doesn't have to be to the detriment of your family life with her.

Have you photographed her spots yet? Document everything as neutrally as possible. Include what you have offered and what he has rejected.

IncrediblePhatTheInnkeepersCat · 14/12/2012 17:40

PS if you're going back to mediation I would try to get a clause written down that if one parent is on holiday without DD then they lose their contact time that week (or it takes place via phone/Skype). You shouldn't be forced to send DD to Dad's for a weekend if he is away the entire time (same vice versa).

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 17:45

The trouble is, she is going there on wed for her usual night, plus on fri for the entire xmas period. If dd goes there mon and tue as well, it would mean she would be there for the whole week, bar thursday? i also dont htink it is practical for ex because he already says he has a problem with the distance.

beany, I kinda think theres a contradiction in what you say tbh. If you dont agree that a sick child should be moved, but that its up to him who cares for her, then are you saying that is you do think she should have been moved?

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WorraLorraTurkey · 14/12/2012 17:49

YANBU to not send her to a strange nanny

But YABU not to hand her the phone while she was laying on the bed, just to say hello. It's not like she was sound asleep.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 17:52

Worra, dd wouldnt talk, was crying and moaning when I tried to get her to talk earlier to my mum and her littel friend. She still maintains she is not talking on the phone tonight, but I will be making her because I cannot take the absue from ex

OP posts:
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