Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to send dd to dads when she is ill?

152 replies

pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:03

DD 5 has chickenpox, some of which are in some VERY painful places. She was due to to dads on wed for an overnight, but I said she wasnt fit. I have had to take a week of unpaid leave to care for her, but he was proposing to let his nany care for her ( who dd doesnt really know) I offered him to visit her here - he declined. He demanded a phonecall at a specific time, but she just wasnt up to it and I told him so, but said I would make sure she called as soon as she was better.
Cue a flurry of emails calling me obstructive, he would be telling the courts, his solicitior, I have denied him contact with his own child, bla bla. He said he had xmas plans and I have denied those to our dd as well as his other children.

The rational part of me says he is being irrational, but he always manages to make me doubt myself. I NEVER cancel contact btw ( although he would say differently). As it stands, poor dd is right now sucking on icepops on the sofa because her mouth is blistered Sad

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
TinyDancingHoofer · 14/12/2012 13:00

I don't think YABU DD was probably a lot more comfortable being cared for by you. But maybe YABU to have not let him speak on the phone. If she was sick at his, wouldn't you want to hear her voice? OR if it was too painful to speak maybe a phone call from much loved dad would have cheered her up.

quoteunquote · 14/12/2012 13:00

Pingu,

sorry, I wasn't trying to get at you in anyway, and I do understand why you feel the way you do,

one of my neighbours has had an on going situation a lot like yours,

she was badly advised, her ex eventually went for a fifty fifty split, which he got, because of what the courts viewed as obstructive behaviour on her part, things like not handing over children when arranged for one reason or another, or not keeping the other parent fully informed,

A way of doing things she has not entirely dropped, and he is now thinking of going for full custody, he has probably got a good case for doing so.

I know quite a few couples who are in court with these scenarios, you really do not what to put yourself in the situation where you seem unreasonable in anyway, if the court view the other parent as responsible, you will jeopardise yourself, if you undermine that view.

If you could prove that the child would be in danger in the care of the nanny then you would be justified in keeping her with you, if you try to dictate how your daughter is cared for when your ex has her, the courts will take the view you are obstructing.

If your ex is not refusing to hand her over to you, he will be viewed as sensible one.

TinyDancingHoofer · 14/12/2012 13:02

Also he may be worried how it will look in court. It could be turned around on him and put that he is unable or unwilling to care for DD when she is unwell. I hope she is feeling better Xmas Smile

GrimAndHumourlessAndEven · 14/12/2012 13:04

wrt the ones on her eyelid, do ring your GP (don't take her without warning, of course) and get advice; she might need anti-virals or special meds

Pilgit · 14/12/2012 13:17

I also think you were not being unreasonable. However you need to evidence that to the court - get a doctors note to say how poorly she was, take photos of her spots (they may be healing now but the extent can still be seen). Detail that you took a weeks unpaid leave to look after her. Point out that you did not think it reasonable to expose his other DC's to chicken pox (it is his choice whether or not to do this however) and that you did not deny contact.

Whether or not it is a child or an adult it is not reasonable to expect an ill person to do the visiting simply because where they are located isn't convenient to the visitor. He wouldn't expect an ill adult to still come to dinner - would he? He wouldn't expect his hospitalised mother (for example) to discharge herself to visit him? Why do we expect children to be shifted around the place for the pleasure and convenience of the adults? Yes, he is her father and yes they should be able to see each other but if he really wanted to see her he could have done. However it is far easier for him to state that you are being unreasonable when he didn't see, for himself the extent of her illness. As other threads on similar things have said - it is about your DD's welfare and her welfare was not served by moving her. Don't let him intimidate you.

ballstoit · 14/12/2012 13:22

Out of interest op, who cared for her when you went to court?

Because if you left her with someone else, but decided that he couldn't, that may appear that you are being obstructive.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 14/12/2012 13:23

I would get a doc's note too, and take photos, and keep all emails, and do everything in writing from now until your hearing.

I do think you are being slightly U to not send her this weekend (providing she's better of course). If the boot were on the other foot and you'd missed a contact weekend due to illness, would you not want to see her asap after that? I think it also proves your reasonableness if you are flexible this weekend.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 13:30

I hear what you are saying. Quote, your post resonates with me particularly because I am terrifies of appearing obstructive that I ahve before nowm let hom take her when she was really ill. When she was only 3 she suffered a burst ear drum, he came and collected her from the sofa, with the pus streaming down her face, sobbing. He did exactly the same that time too - you are being obstructive, bla bla. I was too afraid to stop him that time. However, one other time a year or so later, dd was under the weather again. She had been with dad for a 5-6 days hol, was ill, bedwetting and very out of sorts. I think it was a virus. I said she needed to stay at home and stood my ground that time. He had never forgiven me and uses that ONE time as the baromoter by which he judges my 'obstruction'.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 13:32

my brother took the afternoon off work and came to care for her while we were at court. He proposed to come and get her in the morning and let his nanny care for her while we were there.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 13:34

overall, he WILL NOT accept that from time to time, literally very occassionally, contact will be missed through nobody's fault. He just will not accept this, He went on a weeks foreign holiday and still made me send dd to his wife on his contact days???

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 13:39

sorry, forgot to add, I have take her to the docs already. D started with the pox while she was at his house on sunday, but he didnt tell me, left me to find out for myself and piece together from dd when she started with them. he said he was going to tell me but didnt bother because I hadnt acknowleged him when he droppped her back.

Also, I havent stopped her from calling, she was not up to it yesterday, By the time I had sent him the email, dd had rejected a call from her little friend and my mum!

OP posts:
wigglewiggle32 · 14/12/2012 13:52

He sounds nasty. I do not think you are being U. I never wanted to go stay at my dads when I was ill. Hell, even when I was married I still went back to my mums if I was really poorly!!

I dont think you should have to give up your weekend but......I would. I would grit my teeth and let her go. Go out of your way to do what he wants until you get to court and its all agreed. Then he has nothing to moan about.

Its hard as you clearly hate him for what he is putting you through, as any of us would but play the game. Keep all emails etc.

Hope your little girl is better soon x x x

quoteunquote · 14/12/2012 14:06

Ping, I was hoping, I was managing to explain properly,

I do relise that you are doing your best, I just know that there is a change in the way that these issues are being dealt with,

and how ever good your intention, if can be used against you, it will be, so be very careful not to give anything that can be twisted,

If he becomes determined and feels he on a crusade, he will gain momentum, if he has nothing to rage against, he will put energy else where.

it's better to lose a few battles than the war.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 14:09

So is the consensus that she should go at the weekend? I feel really pissed off about that when we have made plans. He doesnt even let me speak to her on the phone when she is with him, if he does call, he pulls the phone off her before she can say she loves me Sad
So I will go back to him now and say he can have her. H will of course believe that I have conceded because of what he threatened about court:(

OP posts:
chrismissymoomoomee · 14/12/2012 14:12

Could you not compromise with a day each, it seems unfair if you miss out too.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 14:15

he is asking for sunday only. My partners family are coming over, plus we have a xmas party on the sat. All of this depends on how dd feels, she is still poorly, although defintely on the mend i think.

OP posts:
WhenAChildIsBawnTigga · 14/12/2012 14:19

I'm thinking he was a controlling bastard whilst you were with him no? Now he's using your fear as a way of controlling what he can. You ABSOLUTELY need to document everything, everything he does and everything you do and why. Take pictures and if possible remain calm. Send her this weekend to show that you are being more than reasonable, remain the loving mother you are and let your dd find out for herself the kind of man he is.

HugeNonMNHugsToYouBothTiggaxx

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 14:26

Yes very controlling - although more in a mental way. He got into my head, had me peramanently second guessing him and trying to 'please him'. Horrible time really and I'm glad to be away. We have been split the whold off dd's life, now his wife supports him in his bullying of me.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 14/12/2012 14:34

I think you are very sensible, examining the situation carefully, it is horrible to deal with,

could you get her a very cheap pay as you go phone, and pre program it so she can phone you or her dad when ever she wants, encourage her to phone him little and often and it might help him to see that you are not being obstructive , she will probably enjoy it, and it would remove tension about phone contact.

stellarossa · 14/12/2012 14:35

I'm a few years on from you - 6 years ago I spent a fortune on a fairly hostile divorce, going through the courts etc - the emotions in your posts take me back to that time. Since then the things that annoyed me about my ex still annoy me and vice versa - and we have occasional flare up, but keep things under control and things are generally okay. One thing I do realise in retrospect, if that it is perfectly possible to create a justification around any incident or issue on a forum like this.... I did it myself... and to convince yourself you are right, and lots of people will pitch in and support you, which gives you a great feeling of vilification. However it would be equally as easy to create the same narrative from your ex's point of view, I tried it a few times on issues we were arguing about and it really made me think about how he was seeing things.

Divorce means you lose some control - your ex takes the children away, feeds them foods you don't agree with, has other people look after your child etc and you have no say in it most of the time. That's possibly one of the hardest things about being a divorced mother. What I'm glad I did was pretty early on start to compromise - after 12 years of marriage in which I didn't compromise it was a bit of a learning curve. I felt the goodwill all came from my side for the first 12-18 months, I had to just let things go that were (to me) obviously and clearly unfair, and console myself with the feeling that I was being the bigger person. It was a tremendous relief to not fight over everything, I had to give away some control, but it was the right thing to do. As a parent you will have a long term relationship with your ex, and this is the period when you set the course for how that will work and what will be the 'new normal'. A bit of compromising, for example on the weekend, might reap benefits in the years to come, and then you can save your energy for the battles that really do need to be fought.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 14:45

stella, I hear what you are saying, honestly I do, but every single compromise is from me. I feel so worn down, the next 12 years of my life will be dealing with this nonsense. DD is sick, I offer him to see her here, he refuses, so I let her go when it was my weekend and now our plans will be ruined. Its draining to be the ONLY one who will compromise. LOur parenting relationship is based on me doing what he says, and if I dont, the "courts will sort me out" ArrggghSad

OP posts:
CecilyP · 14/12/2012 14:51

Of course you are not being unreasonable. Your DH seems to have scant regard for your DD if he is putting his wants and needs before those of his seriously ill child. And it is a horrible illness - I would want my mum if I had it - not some stranger. What Chrismas plans could he possibly think she could take part in - not to mention putting other children at risk? If he had been the resident parent, these plans would still have needed to be cancelled.

While he can try to intimidate you, I am sure the court (or anyone with experience of chicken pox) will see him for the idiot he is. This week will probably be forgotten by the time it actually comes to court, but it would be worth getting doctor's letter and photo's just to show how bad she actually. is.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 14:54

Cecily, to be honest, I feel sure the court would not remonstrate me for not wanting her to go this week. Her doctor can prove she was ill, and my employers can prove I took it off to care for her. What I am now concerned with, is that I will be remonstrated for not allowing her to go there this weekend to 'make up' the time.Sad

OP posts:
bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 14/12/2012 14:55

pingu, I don't agree your DD should go on your w/e, as it's not anyone's fault your DD is ill, and the notion of your ex having to 'make up time' isn't based on a situation that you have engineered to deprive him of time with your DD. She's ill. Stick to your plans, explain clearly that if your DD is feeling better, you have pre-arranged plans this w/e, and will be proceeding with them if she's up to it. Re-iterate he's free to come and see her at yours, which is in your DD's best interests to maintain her comfort while ill, and unless he wants to arrange time to come and see her, you will not respond to any further abusive threats about 'what court will do' about this situation. It's not something where you can appear obstructive by proceeding with the contact/weekend that you have with your DD when that is as precious to you as it is to him, You are no less important, your life and plans or no less important, and it's just a fact of life that illness will mess up everyone's plans as that's the very nature of it - it's not 'convenient'.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 14:55

the christmas plans was putting up the tree, which they like to do together. He says I have now destroyed those plans and disappointed the other children

OP posts: