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AIBU?

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Original poster

not to send dd to dads when she is ill?

152 replies

pinguthepenguin · 14/12/2012 12:03

DD 5 has chickenpox, some of which are in some VERY painful places. She was due to to dads on wed for an overnight, but I said she wasnt fit. I have had to take a week of unpaid leave to care for her, but he was proposing to let his nany care for her ( who dd doesnt really know) I offered him to visit her here - he declined. He demanded a phonecall at a specific time, but she just wasnt up to it and I told him so, but said I would make sure she called as soon as she was better.
Cue a flurry of emails calling me obstructive, he would be telling the courts, his solicitior, I have denied him contact with his own child, bla bla. He said he had xmas plans and I have denied those to our dd as well as his other children.

The rational part of me says he is being irrational, but he always manages to make me doubt myself. I NEVER cancel contact btw ( although he would say differently). As it stands, poor dd is right now sucking on icepops on the sofa because her mouth is blistered Sad

Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 15/12/2012 13:06

And yes I have my own sol who has advised to turn my email off. The thing is though, I sometimes feel that solicitors can make things so much worse. I felt that if I made a couple of other siggestions, he might not feel so pissed off and get to see dd as well

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bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 15/12/2012 13:10

Pingu, you have every right to spend time with your DD doing something that is family orientated, in YOUR w/e with your DD and it will not make things more difficult in the long run if you stand firm. He cannot just make demands, expect them to be met unconditionally, with absolutely no regard to YOU the child's mother. He can label every word or action you say or do as obstructive etc. but that doesn't make it so. He is a classic bully. And a particularly nasty one st that.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 15/12/2012 13:15

I really think you should listen to your sol here. Your ex is more than aware of the effect he has on you with every bit of contact he makes ripping into you. You are tied up in knots trying to find a way to placate him when nothing you do or say will be enough to him. A nasty bout of chicken pox is another way for you to be obstructive? Its madness he's spouting, laced with utter hate and bile aimed to break you down. You have done nothing wrong and you have a right to this time with your DD irrespective of what he does with his fucking Xmas tree!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 15/12/2012 13:27

You are right:/

IHe has responded now to say that he cannot have her for the day as the other children are not there today and so their christmas plans can ONLY go ahead tomorrow night. I've explained now that as the other options dont work for him, then there is nothing else I can do.

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IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2012 14:17

By constantly giving in to him you are allowing a suituation to arise where your role in dd's life is massively reduced that's how it makes it worse for you.

You have to remember this bloke is not a normal decent person he is a nasty bully who will behave in a nasty way and you need to account for that.and protect yourself from it.

Take your solisiters advice but next time you talk to him/her ask for actual examples of obstruction so you have an idea of what's real obstruction not normal reasonable behaviour.

And to the step parent up thread who said you were being ur. I wouldn't send a sick child who was sick enough to be in bed/ sleeping on sofa out of the house unless it was burning down and equally as such if the illness started at the other parents I would not expect them to do so either. Just because the child got sick enough to warrent a doctors visit whilst she was at her mothers does not mean mum has deprived dad of anything it's timing that's all I'm sure she will get sick one day at dads as well then he won't feel deprived. And if a child is really sick it's always preferable for a parent to take care of them over a none parent unless its really not possible. It's not about the parents rights its about the child's.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2012 14:20

You are right:/

he has responded now to say that he cannot have her for the day as the other children are not there today and so their christmas plans can ONLY go ahead tomorrow night. I've explained now that as the other options dont work for him, then there is nothing else I can do.

So you can change your arrangements but he can't change his?

snowqueenrollo · 15/12/2012 14:50

stop negotiating with this man. He will only move in a direction that suits him. He will just keep pushing harder and harder.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 15/12/2012 15:05

I've said no, with reasons why and outlined the alternative suggestions.

He has just come back saying that he will be cafcass know as none of this has been in dd's interests:/
Also- he said that chickenpox were not a reason to cancel contact, and that dd told him on the phone that i taking her to an adults Xmas party tonight when she should be in bed and that cafcass would hear about it.

The micro - scrutiny of my life is hard to bear. DD IS well enough to go to the party, but it's finished at 9!!!! arrrgggh!

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snowqueenrollo · 15/12/2012 15:17

she was NOT well enough for his scheduled contact. your GP will back you up. you offered reasonable alternatives so that he could still see her. He refused. You offered reasonable alternatives for this weekend at a cost to your own plans (on your contact time) he refused.
He is showing himself to be an unreasonable man who seems to have little concept of the impact illness can have on a small child, and the compromise that needs.
Let him take this to this CAFCASS....they will see through him.

snowqueenrollo · 15/12/2012 15:18

by the way - where does he live? I have a spectacular plan for this man and his precious tree.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 15/12/2012 15:29

she was NOT well enough for his scheduled contact. your GP will back you up. you offered reasonable alternatives so that he could still see her. He refused. You offered reasonable alternatives for this weekend at a cost to your own plans (on your contact time) he refused. He is showing himself to be an unreasonable man who seems to have little concept of the impact illness can have on a small child, and the compromise that needs.

Totally agree with this^^

And snowqueenrollo, if you need help with your plan, I am a willing volunteer!

Pingu, you need to try and step back and see this for what it is. And the above quote really sums it all up. And remember this is all tactical for your ex and his DW. Think back to what kicked this all off, and try and see this as the desparate attempt of a loon trying to twist everything to fit his warped agenda. There is literally nothing that you could do or say that they/he will view through their warped persepctive as being right for them. Switch off the email, and go and enjoy your time with your DD.

PessaryPam · 15/12/2012 15:30

I think your solicitor is right, turn off the email. When/if you get a letter from his solicitor refer it to your solicitor.

I would also record all phone conversations with this man and capture the abuse.

Also document your DDs illness with photos and doctors letter and work letter stating you had time off to care for her.

Try to get as much space as possible between you and this toxic man so you can mentally recharge.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 15/12/2012 15:39

Thank you all SO much, lolerz@queen and bunchy!

Heading out to park and for some tapas with my baby. We haven't breathed fresh air in 6 days!!!:) xx

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IneedAsockamnesty · 15/12/2012 16:33

Enjoy and hope tomorrow is nice for you and dd.

Try and remember cafcass is not there to listen to stupid bitching even if that's us what they do most of the time they are there to help work out what is in the child's best interests

Both parents get to talk to them nt just the bullying ones

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 15/12/2012 17:37

Thanks sock xx

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WhenAChildIsBawnTigga · 17/12/2012 07:23

pingu at some point you are going to have to say 'do what you feel is best' to him and pull his teeth. Make sure you catalog EVERYTHING he does and write down the results of telephone comm's as soon as you put the phone down. Alternatively, get your solicitor to write to him stating that ALL comms between you should be by email or text which would make keeping the evidence much easier.

He'sAFuckingTwuntTiggaxx

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 17/12/2012 13:39

Aww Tigga, we no longer talk on the phone, so email is all I have. I am expecting his sols letter today plus he said he will be letting cafcass know what I did. I am pretty staggered that carcass would even listen to it, but they seem to have done so far. I am dreading his sols letter, and can't stop worrying that I will be shouted at by a judge for this. The thing is...he did turn down the suggestion of taking her out for the day, even though that meant disrupting some of my plans, but he rejected this because he said his other children weren't there and he wanted them all together????Angry

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merrymouse · 18/12/2012 08:55

So it was impossible for him to spend time alone with her?

It just sounds like point scoring. I don't think they will listen to him if its a one off and you offered reasonable alternative arrangements.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 18/12/2012 09:21

Well it looks that way. I got his sols letter yesterday, and although I know they are paid to write in such a tone- but it shook me up, saying the courts would be hearing know that I denied contact between father and child for 10 days, and that they would know I even refused telephone contact....Sad

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IneedAsockamnesty · 18/12/2012 09:31

So what if the courts do hear about it.

Your child was unwell enough to warrent not leaving the house and poorly enough to find talking on the phone with out crying. And you have medical evidence of this.

If I was I. Your suituation I would feel confident enough that on being presented with both versions a court would feel yours was reasonable ad his was not.

What has your solisiter said about it?

IneedAsockamnesty · 18/12/2012 09:33

Are you intimidated by the court process?

If so I think you need to try not to work on that. Because qit could become a problem for you.

You do know that judges are just people don't you?

Put his letter out of your mind and let your solisiter deal with it.

snowqueenrollo · 18/12/2012 10:21

these offers you made for him to visit DD in your home....they were made via e-mail? in written form?

CecilyP · 18/12/2012 10:40

But you didn't actually deny contact for 10 days at all. You said that he could visit your very sick DD in her own home - an offer he refused. You said that he could have her on your Saturday, again an offer he refused simply because the other children would not be there.

Don't get into any dialogue about this, but you do have these facts to present to ther court.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 18/12/2012 10:40

Yeah the offers were all made by email, so I have proof. My sol is deliberating whether or not to send one back to say contact was NOT refused by me...but by him.
Sock- I am very much intimidated by the court process tbh. We have been for the directions hearing last week and it just left me a wreck. Ex is asking the court to make an order to have dd living with him every every weekend from fri- mon. When we got there, he said he would accept 3 weekends out of 4, but I would not agree so we are back in feb. We have been referred for mediation but I'm dreading that because he ties me up in knotsSad

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 18/12/2012 18:03

Do you have a friend you could practice with? Perhaps get her to try and bully you and you practise being firm polite but not budging.

When you arrive at mediation before you get into anything just say

"I find it very differcult and intimidating being in this suituation with you as you bombard me and point score, is there any way we can break this session down to make sure we move away from that in order to make it constructive"

It gives you a time out clause.

Also the point of mediation is to try and reach agreement by comprimise in a reasonable way. It is not reasonable for him to expect 100% of her none knackered down time apart from school holidays if you can try and reduce it to figures and point out the differences between down time on a school day and down time at a weekend.

If you are able make it clear that you both want 100% of this weekend time so the only solution that is an actual comprimise for you both is 50% of the weekend time.

It may also be an opertunity to request that he stops trying to threaten you with the courts whilst dd is so poorly she's not out of bed and explain that the last thing you should be doing whilst your child is sick is having to fight with him to try and stop him doing things that hinder her recovery or make her feel worse. And to highlight that his child being sick enough to warrent a doctors visit and time away from school and being confined to bed is far more important than his Christmas tree.

I would add that quite frankly I think its appalling that he is not able to put his child's needs above his own and that this is a serious concern of yours.

But you may not be brave enough to add that last bit.