to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

[snailfiddler]

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

AF I did. For that and various other reasons. Though it on it's own would have been enough had it all not come to light at the same time. He's a disgusting man on many levels.

badinage apologies,I just took the most simplistic meaning from what you said. Thank you for explaining further though,what you say makes perfect sense.

fridge I am not questioning your choices, love

but I am questioning his, and your defence of them

Thanks Alis, glad to have cleared that up.

Fridge it's not the sex of the prostitute that matters - it's the sex of the punter.

Fact is, your old friend knew that for what ever reason he thought he had - he could have paid to use someone else's body.

It's not so nuanced. It's actually quite stark. Most punters are men. We need to keep questioning why men are still able to buy sex.

Instead of thinking why some women want to sell sex, I always turn this back to the punters fridge and think about why they feel entitled to buy it with such impunity. I'd rather focus on stopping their opportunities to buy sex and introducing legal punishment if they do, like in some other countries. There have always been dangerous and unhealthy jobs that people have been prepared to do if the money's good enough, but society has stepped in and put a stop to the demand for that work. I've always had a suspicion that the reason our governments haven't is because this work affects women's health and safety and not men's......and women are not seen as important and as worthy of protection.

"I always turn this back to the punters fridge"

I was really interested to see where this argument was going. :o

It's too early...

i think prostitution is just as an extention of sex without feelings, and we cant possibly give a shit about everyone we meet, and a lot of people dont really care about the people they have sex with.

The whole issue with prostitution is a judgement on people (mostly men) for being able to have sex with a woman that he just doesnt give two hoots about. he just wants someone to fuck. Someone that makes him feel good for a bit.

Women do it too, the only difference is women dont generally have to pay for it.

I dont get the bit that sex is a special case. I know for a fact that there are many prostitutes who do it willingly and take money for it because they might as well, and tbh, i would have no extra qualms about taking money off someone for it as i would with going out and fucking a stranger, which is a pretty common pastime. I also wouldnt have a problem with my daughter doing it when she was older IF she wanted to and had the right mindset with it and was happy

Hmm. On a seemingly , but not really, unrelated topic, I had a long conversation with an ex bf about sleeping with men on the first date. I maintained that it wasn't usually my plan, but if it felt right I would.
He said that if I wanted a man to want to enter into an actual relationship with me, then I shouldn't, because the man will never really respect me after that.
I asked him if men worry about women respecting them after sex, and he said " men and women are just different".
Well.yeah, they are, but it seems very unfair to me that even in this day and age, this double standard persists.
I dont want a fuck buddy type thing with a man i like. I do want a relationship, but if me sometimes letting my sexual urges overtake me means that i am automatically making myself the "wrong" kind if girl, that may never happen!
there is still this view that sex with a woman is some kind of transaction, to be either witheld in exchange for a long term contract, or sold.
My ex told me thatif i just wanted a shag, i should pick up some totty in a bar, thus, i guess, dividing men into the ones you just fuck, and the ones you like. Just like they do to us.
I often think that it is men who desperately need a sexual revolution.

i think everyone needs a bloody sexual revolution

"i think prostitution is just as an extention of sex without feelings"

and without meaningful consent.

IfNot

Sometimes I think women are best advised to sleep with all men on a first date.

It's the only way to be sure the man you are with isn't the kind of misogynist who would have sex with you and disrespect you for it afterwards.

An early screening process, if you will

i have a problem with the term meaningful consent. I think its patronising. To me, it sounds exactly like not actually respecting peoples consent at all.

If someone consents, they consent. Its not the same as coercion or force. If someone was abused as a child. That doesnt mean they can never consent to anything meaningful again. If someone is addicted to drugs they can still consent. If someone has no other means of making money, and decide thats their last option, and agree to it, its consensual, no matter how distasteful you may find it. I am perfectly within my rights to rent out my fanny for half an hour. Its mine. I would take no responsibility for shaping that persons views on women in general, only what they think of me.

As long as someone has all their faculties and know what theyre doing ands getting into then agrees to it, then its damn well consensual. Its patronising to say any different.

People can and do consent to a ;lot of things that you may find horrible all the time and they always have done. Sex can be a loving wonderful thing. It can be a bit of fun. It can also be a commodity to be bought and sold, as can womens bodies and mens bodies and i see no special reason why it shouldnt be.

as long as its consensual buying selling (as in renting out your time and talents)

not as in slavery.

I wonder why he told you at all about this happening 24 years ago? And you have been with him 8 months. I would expect a man who really loved you , would never mention it. It is his attitude I worry about. Did he really think it wouldn't bother you?

So this man was honest enough to tell you about something that happened 24YEARS AGO!
digerd is saying he shouldn't have told you, others will tell you if he didn't tell you he's not an honest man and "what else has he lied about"
Get a grip!

You're all so inconsistent with your advice!
He shouldn't have told you!

If he hadn't told you and you some how found out at a later date and posted you'd have been told something like:
He should have been honest and told you this what else is he keeping from you? He objectifies women he's a rapist leave him!

Seriously some of you ladies need to get more consistent... I'll no doubt be banned for speaking my mind and accused of being a troll now!

"Get a grip!"

There we go again. Very prescriptive and aggressive hectoring post.

Why would you be banned, Voice ?

Have you been banned before ? Everyone is entitled to their opinion here, if they stay within the guidelines.

I think it really depends on your personal feelings. If they are that strong that you don't feel you can get past it and/or you have doubts as to whether or not it was a genuine error of judgement made in the name of immaturity and he has changed/grown up since then, you probably need to finish now rather than drag it out.

Personally, if I had met someone, it was going well and I was confident of the type of person they were now, I would let it go, but everyone is different.

That all sounds very plausible until you look at the bigger context and realise that the people who are renting out others' bodies are predominantly men, within a historical context of men having more structural power than women and the right to use womens' bodies whether they consent to it or not. It's only 21 years since rape in marriage came on to the statute books. Sex work is a political issue. The whole thing is based on the premise that men are entitled to sex and if they can't gain consent, they are free to buy it.

Have a look at that idea you've got going on there that choices happen in a vacuum. They do not. Everyone's choices are greater or smaller depending on the decisions we make or were made by others/society to get us to that point. A woman who has suffered an abusive childhood where her body was not inviolate, makes choices within that context.