to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

[snailfiddler]

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

I meant that if that were something he were doing, it would show that yes he really did feel bad about it and understood how terrible the industry is.

I'd be brassick, or rather moreso, if I gave to a charity that concerned every bad thing i did.

I think there is a very good chance that a man who slept with a Thai prostitute in Thailand raped her, yes.

Presumably that's why he feels so bad about it?

It's not for anyone to forgive other than the woman (or was she a girl?) he probably raped.

I don't know him, if you think he's a good bloke that's your call obviously.

But a boyfriend of 8 months who is clearly ashamed of how it makes him look but not remotely bothered by the morality of what he did?

Why stick around?

It's depressing, but not really surprising, how keen so many are that men must be forgiven for past sexual abuse.

Even if they're not sorry.

Well I only said I would consider dumping him - would depend on other factors how long had been with him, how much liked him etc but I would definitely consider it.

Would not be happy about the strip club but could get over it if it was part of a lads stag do or something and he hadn't paid for dances etc. Don't like strip clubs one bit but prostitution is another level for me - could not get over the physical aspects, the penetration and exchanging of bodily fluids ..

AThingInYourLife Fri 30-Nov-12 11:59:04
I think there is a very good chance that a man who slept with a Thai prostitute in Thailand raped her, yes.

How about the man who in this case was apparently subjected to a sexual assault, but didn't stop it?

A prostitute?

Get yourself tested for STDs pronto. HIV might be lurking in your boyfriend.

Well obviously you don't give to charity for every bad thing. But engaging in prostitution is pretty bad. Some people might feel bad enough about it to try to make amends for it long-term, like Rhubarb's husband. Some people might think it's no big deal and not do anything. All I'm saying is the OP might think about which response she would prefer and then see if she's comfortable with her boyfriend's response.

My original point was that it's not about who's right or wrong so much as whether they are ethically compatible -- and I don't just mean the ethics around prostitution, but in addition the ethics about how we should handle mistakes.

At the beginning of the thread I thought the OP should accept this as in the past and let it go, because it sounded like he was really remorseful. But then it sounded like maybe he wasn't so remorseful after all, which I why I think it's worth getting more information and thinking about all this.

Charming AThing. How lovely that you feel you have the authority to judge a man and a situation that you know nothing about.

No she was not a girl, he is not a paedo but thanks for the insinuation. She was quite old apparently, older than him.

Good to know there are people like you about, who feel sufficiently empowered to cast judgement on strangers, who would punish someone for their wrongs years later and does not believe that anyone can change.

Makes me feel hope for humanity. It really does.

There are a great many men and women who have changed our society for the better based on something they did wrong in the past. Look at Joseph Nobel who founded the Nobel Peace prize. Nelson Mandela was part of armed activities in South Africa and helped plant a bomb that killed 19 people before he took his stance on non-violent protests. Take Moses himself who killed an Egyptian guard (if you believe in that) before he elected leader of the Israelites. But according to you these men should never had been forgiven and if not, then heaven knows what kind of history we would have instead.

Oh and thank you OneMoreChap but presumably my dh is lying when he told me his account. AThing wouldn't say that but it's what most people would be thinking.

For what it's worth, yes she did inititate. He was naive and stupid and recovering from a mental illness. He went into a place recommended for Thai massages. He did not know it was also a brothel. She started to massage him and then took it further. He did not stop her. She produced condoms and encouraged him to have sex with her. Afterwards it became clear to him that she didn't do it because she wanted to, she did it because she was a prostitute and that's what she did for a living.

But he's still a rapist of course. I should divorce him now really shouldn't I and report him to the police.

It would be pretty astounding to have HIV for 24 years with no symptoms. But anyone having unprotected sex with a new partner might want to get tested just in case anyway.

"How about the man who in this case was apparently subjected to a sexual assault, but didn't stop it?"

Yes, that's the grimmest thing about that story.

Young man is taken unawares by nasty Thai sex industry, young girl has to "make the sale".

Having made the foolish mistake of booking a "massage" in the wrong place, he may well have done her a kindness by making sure the transaction was completed.

Personally,i wouldn't dump him, but as someone said, unless you think it's indicative of how he views women generally?

He told you too, and he didn't have to

Hang on though. I've now found the poster's thread in relationships.

Her bloke wasn't ashamed at all. He was defending what he'd done as a fair transaction.

That's not the impression the poster is giving on this thread.

That's right AThingInYourLife don't let the facts as relayed to you by another poster get in the way of your narrative. Not the OPs, I note.

Athing- you're coming across as ridiculous now, that's not what was said and trying to read something like that is just callous, nasty and insulting.

"Athing- you're coming across as ridiculous now, that's not what was said and trying to read something like that is just callous, nasty and insulting."

Huh?

Who am I insulting and how?

athing

There is no need to keep turning this round. The facts are that Rhubarbs husband did not nor intend to rape anyone.

You are coming across very badly, in the way that you are trying to make it the husbands 'fault'. as you were not there you can not say.

I hope you have a ethically correct background. Completely. Because, honestly, one day you will fall off the moral pedestal you seem to be looking down on everyone from.

Hmm.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1624282-BF-told-me-he-had-sex-with-a-prostitute

He certainly doesn't sound remorseful at all on that thread.

I think OP you are not necessarily framing the question right.

It's not really so much, can I accept this mistake that my boyfriend made 24 years ago?

It's more, can I accept that my boyfriend has a completely different and benign view of the sex industry, to the point where he doesn't even feel that bad about having slept with a prostitute once?

I think if he is open to hearing your views and being informed and changing his mind, then great. I guess you won't know until you talk again.

My dad was in the police for other 30 years.

Since retiring he made friends with a man through some charity work he does. Said man was a bit of gangster when he was young. He murdered 2 'rivials'.

He regrets it, served time. But is not embarrassed by it. He has a good job, is well educated, nice wife (no kids). One of the nicest people you would meet. He is an excellent example of how someone can do the most horrendous things and fundamentally change as a person.

He is not the gangster he was 45 years ago. He is a changed man. I can not imagine anyone saying 'yes I understand you did something terrible years ago, but to remain in contact with me you must do xyz'.

What am I turning around?

I just said that I accept he was sexually assaulted by a Thai woman who was presumably under significant pressure to sleep with him.

Not only did he not intend to rape anyone, he unwittingly got himself into a position where he basically had no choice (that I can see) but to be part of a young woman getting raped (essentially by her pimp).

I can only begin to imagine how traumatic that must have been for him.

But he's in a very different moral position from the man in the OP.

Glad that the other thread has been posted. Different story on there.

What gets me is how many women believe that men are stupid, naive and easily led. Whenever these 'confessions' come out, women seem prepared to suspend the judgement they'd apply to a woman if she'd 'accidentally' ended up in a brothel and had sex and paid for it, or if she'd 'given into peer pressure' and gone with a male prostitute on a hen night.

Brady, I know people like that myself. No, I don't put any conditions on 'remaining in contact' with them. But it would be different if i was thinking about getting married to them -- that's much more serious.

I think it's a bit weird not to be embarrassed about having murdered people and I would probably be put off by that in a partner. I would not put conditions on our relationship though, I would just reckon we weren't compatible and break up.

Obviously this man's wife is not put off by that and that's fine, I honestly don't judge her for it. Just saying it's not for me.

Same with the OP, if she is really not bothered about all this, then it's not for me to say she should feel differently! But she does sound uneasy about it.

badinage -- or the judgment a woman would get if she were a prostitute

Society is certainly more forgiving of men who have used prostitutes than of the women they have used

My now husband did the same thing while on a lads holiday when he was 18, he told me when we were having our early relationship "talks" he's not proud of it and a condom was used, but there was no way I would have dumped him for that, it didn't cross my mind to break up with him. It happened 6 years before we met and we have now been together for 10 years. He is the loveliest husband and father I could wish for, he just made a stupid teenage mistake! And he is no way a woman hater, he's the kindest man you'll meet, the arsehole I was with before hadn't slept with a prostitute but used to slap me around and mentally abuse me THATS a woman hater.

AThing, I don't really give a crap what you think. I'm sorry your experiences has tainted your view of the world. That does not give you the right to call my dh a rapist, but if that is what you need to do, if that is what makes you feel better.....

And she was not a young girl, she was a woman older than my dh at the time. Probably my age now. But don't let the facts get in the way of a good story eh? I'm sure my dh will love to know that he is a rapist. Should I dump him do you think?

Actually forget it. You've made your pov very clear. I have no interest in engaging with you further on the subject. You come across as a very bitter, very narrow minded and unforgiving person and only you know why that is.
I hope life starts to pick up for you, I really do because the world is not the way you see it thank God.

This thread is becoming rather hysterical now with people advising HIV tests and calling strangers rapists so I shall bow out now.

And yes emmie31, hear hear. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Food for thought there.