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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dump my BF for going with a prostitute...

488 replies

snailfiddler · 28/11/2012 20:39

... 24 years ago.

On a lads holiday to Amsterdam.

OP posts:
Ormiriathomimus · 30/11/2012 10:38

Why would you dump him? He had sex with a woman before he met you. That isn't unique or surprising. If it's for ethical reasons I am quite sure you wouldn't be able to comb through most people's history without coming up with more than a few ethically dubious choices.

HullyEastergully · 30/11/2012 10:39

Motes and beams and glass houses.

dreamingbohemian · 30/11/2012 10:39

Hully, have you been listening to That Bastard Gandhi again?

HullyEastergully · 30/11/2012 10:42

Just ridiculous.

dreamingbohemian · 30/11/2012 10:43

brady, I don't think giving to charity is a chore

I should probably say though that where I come from this is a very common thing, to give to charity in recognition of stupid things we have done. I appreciate it may sound weird to others.

THERhubarb · 30/11/2012 10:44

Oh and I read a lovely story about a bloke who was an active member of the National Front but became increasingly concerned about the tactics they were using. He left and fell for a black woman. He has since turned his life around, married her and had kids. It just goes to show that people can change. It was a great story and if I find it I'll link to it.

bringbacksideburns · 30/11/2012 10:47

No one is disputing that people change. It's how comfortable the OP feels with his disclosure isn't it?
I would find it hard to get past easily after just eight months with him. Others would'nt.
If he had told her after a happy twenty year marriage then that would also make it a different situation.

bradywasmyfavouriteking · 30/11/2012 10:50

dreaming giving to charity to prove to your girlfriend you are sorry for something that happened 24 years ago and having to do it is a chore.

deciding you have fucked up and trying to balance things by choosing to give to charity isn't a chore.

But it was the first that was suggested with I going acts of contrition. That is a chore. The op either accepts this or doesn't Maui gndown a liftime of things he must achieve to remain with her is punishment.

HullyEastergully · 30/11/2012 10:51

ACTS OF CONTRITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MumsCatholicHailMaryNet dear lord I've seen it all now.

THERhubarb · 30/11/2012 10:52

Ah but bringback that is not what AFD is saying. She has gone beyond the OP now to declare that any man who has sex with a prostitute is a rapist. There is no grey area. So if you find out that your man has ever paid for sex under any circumstances, no matter how long ago, he is a rapist and you should dump him.

That is certainly how I've read those posts. I'm sure she will correct me if I'm wrong.

And no apology would suffice of course. They all need their bollocks cutting off.

BegoniaBampot · 30/11/2012 10:54

TheRhubarb - Yes to some here your husband is a rapist and this can never be forgotten or forgiven. I find it quite frightening just how black and white some posters are on Mn. Then there's real life rather than Mn life.

ArtfulAardvark · 30/11/2012 10:57

When I was single I was extremely squeamish about boyfriends previous sexual history, I insisted on using condoms way before HIV was considered a risk to hetrosexuals.

But I have to say to condemn a man for honesty about doing this 24 years ago is ridiculous, he has admitted he is ashamed. He is not saying "when I am single I use prostitutes because I see nothing wrong with it" in that case he would be a dump now

Years ago (more than 24) I cut the brakes on a boyfriends bike when we split up, I wouldnt dream of doing that now. Years ago a guy we met on the way home from a club invited my friend and I in for a coffee and we went (and as it happens had a cup of coffee) I certainly wouldnt take a risk like that now. I threw a drink over a boyfriend in a club, no way would I do that now.

I am a completely different person to who I was 24 years ago. All the things we have done in the past make us who we are today, some of our experiences are "shit I will never do that again experiences, hopefully this was a lesson for him, he didnt like it and wouldnt repeat it.

If I felt he were a nice boyfriend I would respect this honesty, of course if you then get other niggling reservations about him then reconsider I assume after such a short time you are not thinking marriage/babies serious life stuff. Just enjoy and see what happens...you can dump his ass in the future if he ends up not being that great.

dreamingbohemian · 30/11/2012 10:58

brady, did I say she should make him give to charity? I agree, that would be more of a chore and kind of weird. I meant that if that were something he were doing, it would show that yes he really did feel bad about it and understood how terrible the industry is.

BegoniaBampot · 30/11/2012 10:58

And of course you should LTB as some have said on here that they would do in the same circumstances, even after a long and happy marriage with children.

ArtfulAardvark · 30/11/2012 10:59

THERhubarbs post about her H is a perfect example, what we were in the past isnt who we are today but it is what helped us get here.

dreamingbohemian · 30/11/2012 11:05

Hey, I understand a lot of people think talk of contrition and repentence is crazy.

All I can say is I lived most of my life in really fucked up communities, where narratives of repentence of making amends are very powerful and often very positive.

To me it's a good middle ground between "hey it doesn't matter if you fuck up" and "you're doomed forever if you fuck up". It's saying we all fuck up but at least own it and try to make up for it somehow.

Rhubarb's husband is a good example, he admits he fucked up and it sounds like he's a really caring and generous person who tries to help people.

Perhaps the OP's boyfriend is the same way, it just sounds like maybe she needs more information to decide.

THERhubarb · 30/11/2012 11:05

Absolutely Aardvark. He helped him to see more clearly how naive and stupid he was, how women are exploited in other countries like Thailand, how horrible it must be to have to have sex with strange men for money and if he felt that way - imagine how she felt every single day. Yes it gave him food for thought and shaped him into the person he is now, very defensive of women's rights and very aware of how seedy the sex trade is.

In fact he suffered a mental breakdown just before he went travelling and had been diagnosed with schizophrenia, not a great thing to have but that too, helped shape him into the man he is today, who is completely understanding and supportive of my own problems with depression.

dreamingbohemian · 30/11/2012 11:07

sorry -- if that were something he was already doing

HullyEastergully · 30/11/2012 11:09

Have now rtft.

Can't see ANYWHERE that AF has called anyone a rapist.

bradywasmyfavouriteking · 30/11/2012 11:10

dreaming you told me that giving to charity was not a chore. I was telling you that it was imo, in the way the previous poster said. Which is the force giving.

I didn't say you said anything of the sort.

THERhubarb · 30/11/2012 11:17

My biggest apologies. It was NOT AFD but AThing who brought rape into it.

Sorry AFD, I do apologise, you were both posting at the same time and with both names looking similar I got them mixed up.

AThing mentioned rape.

wewereherefirst · 30/11/2012 11:18

Why does giving money equal repentance? To link paying money to relieve guilt for paying for sex is a little odd to my mind.

Moviestar1979 · 30/11/2012 11:20

YANBU
To me use of prostitutes is a major no no. I would have major issues and would have to consider dumping DP if I found out he had been within a ten metre radius of a prostitute.
I could accept strip clubs on lads holidays etc but not prostitution. To me the kind of person who uses prostitutes is not the kind I want to associate with. I also question whether leopards can really change their spots. Ok so you can grow up and he might not do the same thing now, but he still had it in him at some point in his life.
Just my personal opinion, good luck whatever you decide

Moviestar1979 · 30/11/2012 11:25

Should also add that I am a bit of a prude and view sex as a very sacred activity between people in love, appreciate some people have much more liberal views than me :o

THERhubarb · 30/11/2012 11:27

Really Moviestar? This was just one prostitute but, really? You would be ok with strip clubs?

Funny how different people have wildly opposing views isn't it? To go with a prostitute once, 24 years ago and then immediately regret it and admit it to a new girlfriend would not be a deal breaker for me so long as I could see that he had changed and was really ashamed.

But a strip club is just leering over women's bodies as if they were pieces of meat strung up at the butcher's window. I would not be ok with that. At all.

And to be fair to my dh, he wouldn't to to one. I know because he was invited on a stag do and turned it down because he thought it disrespectful and seedy and told them so too.