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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to take DS to the other side of the world for 6 weeks

201 replies

MSDP · 11/11/2012 20:31

My DP thinks I am being unreasonable to not want his mother to take my son away to their home country for six weeks when he is two years old.

My son has a good relationship with his GM and she is capable of looking after him, however I am not comfortable with her taking my son for so long to a place more than 12 hours away. This place has is in South America and is not renowned for being the safest place in the world and my son has never been away from me for me than 2 nights so am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
AnnaKissed · 12/11/2012 04:25

I'm glad you've decided to say no. This is insane otherwise.

Look at it another way. The concerns about the language, culture, safety etc of Colombia are not to convince your dp and mil because that is their home country. In order to show them you're right, you need to separate the two issues: the country and the separation from you.

I live abroad with a nearly two year old. There is no way he would spend even a week with either of his grandparents in the UK when I was in another country. The UK is home for all of us so no issues there, but I just wouldn't allow him to be away from me and dp for that long because it would upset HIM.

marcopront · 12/11/2012 04:27

CSI the point I am trying to make is everyone is saying she is the mother so she has a right to make all the decisions, the father seems to have no rights to have an opinion.

ChasedByBees · 12/11/2012 04:29

No no no no no. It would damage your relationship with the son - possibly permanently. That is quite a significant proportion of his entire life so far.

I think the previous poster is right, you have to seperate these issues. Is there anyone else he respects that could tell him how unreasonable this request is?

GothAnneGeddes · 12/11/2012 04:52

YANBU.

Quite simply, 2 is old enough to miss his parents, but too young to understand why they aren't around, so it would be very distressing all round.

Dd did go with DH to his country for 10 day when she was 18months old, but that was to do with a family emergency.

However, I am more then happy for her to be a dual national and have the passports of mine and DH's countries, I don't think dual citizenship is the massive red flag some people are painting it out to be.

deXavia · 12/11/2012 05:05

Let me start by saying YANBU - and it would be over my dead body that this happened to my kids.

However in fairness to your MIL it may seem less of an issue to her - you say she was very active in DSD's early life (I might have missed it but I didn't see why or what happened to DSD's mother). Also in some families in LA and other regions children are raised more "collectively" than here in the UK - and by that I mean GP's and wider family are much more hands on. My DH was practically raised by his GP's including staying there I'd say 70% of the time. Even amongst our friends from DH's home country, kids are regularly shipped off to go spend a month with GP's from a pretty early age over the holidays - maybe 4 or 5 but if there arer young siblings that age may crep down. In those circumstances the holiday may seem less contentious. Its also very common to have dual passports as a recognition of their heritage. Ours have dual passports but we don't do the extended holidays with GP's and as we live abroad from there its not an issue in terms of day to day child care.

Now saying all that - thats not your way of bringing your kids up, and it could also be deemed a less safe country where they are proposing going. So you are absolutely within your rights to say no now and up until you are (if ever) ready for it. But unless you have some other reason to think there is something sinister going on, I would start with the assumption that its a genuine if misguided request and not go in all guns blazing about, hiding paperwork etc - that just makes the whole situation a big issue about trust with your DP. Now if you have reason not to trust him to this extent .... well I'd say you probably have bigger issues that the holiday to work out.

GothAnneGeddes · 12/11/2012 06:20

deXavia - I think that's very good advice indeed.

ErikNorseman · 12/11/2012 06:28

I'm not precious about being away from my DS, his father is also from another country and I have coped with him going away from me for between 2 and 5 weeks from the age of 18 months. But this idea has no way written all over it.

  • first time away from mum, he must be with dad IMO
  • first time away should be up to 2 weeks maximum
  • first time away with granny, a few days, not weeks
It's too far, no way to get to him if he's not happy, he will not be happy at such a young age, it will be terribly confusing for him. Just no.
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 12/11/2012 07:00

Marco I think if op had come on saying my mum wants to take DS away for six weeks aged 2 but my DH says no, is HBU? A lot of people would have said "no, he isn't BU."

2rebecca · 12/11/2012 07:53

No, she isn't a parent, age 2 is too young to remember and get any benefit out of the trip and 6 weeks is a long time to be away from parents.
I think it's a mad thing to ask.

Ionlylikeitwhenitrains · 12/11/2012 08:09

No fucking way. YADNBU.

PurpleGentian · 12/11/2012 08:47

No, no, no. YADNBU.

It's an utterly insane idea. Especially for a 2 year old. He'll be missing his parents and too young to understand why they're not there with him for six weeks

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 12/11/2012 09:00

Nope. Would never do it. Never.

Familyguyfan · 12/11/2012 09:13

Over my dead body would my two year old go to another country without me. My child (and lots of other children of that age) get terribly upset when left at nursery or if their parents have to go out for a little while. They recover quickly, bug multiply that by weeks away in unfamiliar surroundings with lots of strange people they don't know. Never. Ever!

Arthurfowlersallotment · 12/11/2012 09:17

I think your MIL is off her fucking nut to even suggest this.

SittingBull · 12/11/2012 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iseenodust · 12/11/2012 09:23

No and no again.

soundevenfruity · 12/11/2012 09:32

A wild guess. Did it all come about as a result of your conversations with your DP that you are tired of being the only one taking care of 2 kids all week long and that you do far more to make sure your DS grows bilingual? Because it looks like what a man would do to solve the problem without taking into consideration all the fine points and your resentment. Tired of taking care of 2 kids? DS is taken care of for 6 weeks - tick. Do more to make him bilingual? - DS will be speaking nothing but Spanish for a long time - tick. If your DP can't do anything about working less than what CAN he do? I agree that it's only the tip of the iceberg and you need to start communicating and not acting in underhand way. If you trust him obviously.

seeker · 12/11/2012 09:34

Could your dp go too? Is that possible?

Otherwise- absolutely, definitely, no.

nochipsthanks · 12/11/2012 09:42

No no no no no no no.

Just that really.

No.

wellthatsdoneit · 12/11/2012 09:43

Some countries, even if signed up it the Hague convention, have a poor track record of actually complying with it (off the top of my head, Brazil, Germany and Sweden for example). I think you'd be wise to do some research on Columbia and find out what it's track record has been in the past. I'd also call the Columbian embassy in the UK and find out what the requirements are to register your child for a Columbian birth certificate and passport. Do they need both parents signatures for a passport for example?

I am not suggesting that your MiL or OH have a hidden agenda but I think it is prudent in any international situation to be aware in advance of such facts (speaks with experience!).

I don't think YABU to not want your dc to be away from you for six weeks, even if they were just at the other end of the country, much less half way across the world. Anyone wishing to take your dc out of this country needs the permission of every person having parental responsibility for him. However, as stated above, even if your child is taken without your permission to a country signed up to the Hague convention, it is not always straightforward to get them back.

wellthatsdoneit · 12/11/2012 09:58

Hmmm. A quick google brought up a US government report from 2007 on non compliance with the Hague convention which lists Columbia as one of the countries demonstrating a pattern of non compliance.
www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/3483947.htm

Regardless of that I don't think YABU to not want to be without your son for six weeks anyway. You don't have to explain yourself or give any reason. No is a complete sentence!

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/11/2012 10:01

OP - please do let us know what happens?

I have never seen a thread be so unanimous on here.

Longdistance · 12/11/2012 10:01

No chance. I hope she's not planning on kidnapping him watches far too much tv

Your child, your rules.

wellthatsdoneit · 12/11/2012 10:03

Right. I actually meant to link to this:
travel.state.gov/pdf/child_abduction_Compliance_Report.pdf
rather than my Christmas shopping list!

Goonatic · 12/11/2012 10:16

This is such a terrifying op, I really can't believe you would even consider it, it is freaking me out just reading it.

YANBU in any way shape or form, please don't let him go, please please please.

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