to tell DD she wears the coat she chose or she buys her own?

[ThatVikRinA22]

DD is 15 and in the throes of teenagedom.....she is normally very placid and well behaved, not normally a prima donna.

however.....

She chose a coat on ebay, not expensive, only about £20, from China. We duly ordered it, paid for it, and yesterday it arrived. It is identical to the ebay picture. its lovely. She was not restricted to a budget, and she chose this coat out of every other on the internet.

She has seen it, thrown a hissy fit, says she hates it, wont wear it.
DH was the only one in when it arrived as i was at work, and he did not argue with her, but simply told her that if she wanted another one, she would have to pay for it out of her pocket money (she gets £35 per month cash and we pay for her mobile phone on top of that)

Today she has told me she "needs a coat"

WIBU to tell she has a coat, which she chose, and we paid for, and its up to her if she does not wear it and stick to what DH has said and tell her if she wants another she must pay for it herself?

She is upstairs crying at the moment saying its winter and she needs a coat and what is she meant to do in the snow etc etc etc

Now i know the Ebay coat was not expensive, but to send it back to china will cost as much as buying the flaming coat.....

its too small for me or i would keep it and wear it. i like it. sadly a chinese "large" is a size 8 - 10....which i am not!

help me decide MN jury....(i feel a bit of a meanie.)

I love that eBay coat, but think my DSes would disown me if I bought it from you Vicar. It's the right size as well.

My DSes both have Parkas from last year. DS2's came from ASOS and the quality is absolutely fine. It is still going strong, although the little sod said he has gone off it, but I am not buying him another! I have told him can have the £100 coat he has seen for his Birthday, funnily enough he doesn't like it enough for that!

DS1's parka came from H&M last year. I had loads of codes and it was in the sale so I got it for £7.49! That is surprisingly well made too.

I wouldn't worry about the quality of Asos stuf if you decide to get her that one, I buy loads from there and have never ever had a problem with any of it.

YABU because I've bought stuff from eBay from china and on receiving it I knew instantly I didn't want it!

I think if it was my DD for the sake of £20 I would just sell the coat on and buy her something that she will wear, but I would make it clear to her that I wouldn't be buying another coat this winter for her if she didn't like the second one.

Ultimately I want my DD to wear a coat in the winter and to be warm, and I want her to be happy with what she's wearing.

I wouldn't be happy about the hissy fit though and would tell her that you won't discuss anything about coats until she behaves in a rational manner.

I would let her sell it and put the money towards another coat. Top the money frim the ebay coat up a bit but she shoukd contribute as well.

I get stuff off the internet and send it back all the time, not worth arguing about imo.

No wonder kids are spoilt when they get these sorts of options. My mum would be laughing and/or blazing at the fact that I refused to wear something I'd picked out already. Never mind try to accommodate whatever I want. She's perfectly nice and reasonable.

How old are you quirrel? Because I suspect online shopping wasn't around when you was a child and your mum was buying your coats?

Big difference between picking a coat out in a shop then deciding you don't like it, to ordering online and not liking it when it's showed up.

Stuff from China always looks better on the pictures, better quality too. Its shite when it turns up.

I agree with the people who have said that vicar shouldn't give in to the strop that her dd is throwing - that wouldn't be a good idea.

This is doing my head in. I just so cannot wait (NOT!!) for DD to throw similar strops.
My mom was buying mail order stuff for me back in the 1980s, no difference to online. Harder, really, to get it right.
I cannot figure out any super good way forward for OP.
Probably should have set strict budget to start, but that wouldn't be perfect solution, either.
I think I will tell DD that she's lucky not to be living in the cupboard under the stairs if she tries to pull one like this.

YANBU. Make her buy her own. Sell the Chinese one.

Or buy the one she wants and wear it yourself to make it unfashionable.

Its not about the coat though - she had a choice, it was delivered and she threw a sttop. If she had saod she didnt like it and could she possibly return in and look for another one then id have sympathy.

Stropping like a baby and I side with your dh.

Everyone makes mail order/online mistakes.

This is about a crappy attitude, really. But I reckon your DD will get a grip eventually and you can work out what to do together.

My DD bought a watch from HK on ebaY and was very excited, and it has arrived and it is shite. Similarly the postage makes it not worth returning. We'll have to work something out.

I'd resell it and ask her to put money towards the h&m one.

Maybe dock her a fiver a month - mainly due to stroppiness

I've been burned on eBay and I'm way older.

How old are you quirrel? Because I suspect online shopping wasn't around when you was a child and your mum was buying your coats?

I'm 19! would you ask me how old I was if you didn't know I was young?
It's the DD's choice to take the risk, though. There's a kind of unwritten agreement and she should honour it.

Plus it's just like catalogue shopping, which has been around for yonks.

I am astounded that you have a teen that will actually wear a coat at all.If this has been said already I apologise, but I just skimmed through the thread.
Any child worthy of being called a teenager would rather turn blue and lose their fingers through frostbite than wear a coat.
I like the original one though, but don't tell her that because I'm really really old.

I'm 19! would you ask me how old I was if you didn't know I was young?

Yes.. I just did...

Put coat back on ebay. Whatever that sells for goes towards the new coat. If she's saying she has 40 to 'put towards' the ASOS one then I'd tell her she should use that to go and buy the H&M one outright, and then whatever you make back on the Ebay coat can go towards her Christmas stuff.

I don't think you should pay out more than your original budget and I don't think you should let her buy anything else online. How do you know she won't throw another strop?

FWIW I would once have paid 80 for a coat - though only if it was very nice - but not anymore as we are tightening our belts. Your dd is old enough to understand that coat spending impacts on the whole household budget.

then why?
I'm totally confused.

Never mind.

It's a £20 coat.. She was excited to get it and its crap. She doesn't like it and is upset.

How does that make her a brat?

Haven't some posters on here EVER made a daft purchase?

As for 'laughing in her face' goodness me. I love my kids and they love me. We don't laugh if one of us is upset...

I managed to raise 4 non spoilt kids. It's not about 'getting the upper hand' it's about mutual respect and love.

I wouldn't make a fuss to be honest. I would simply resell the coat and start again but make sure she goes and tries on before buying. I too have stuff in my wardrobe that I thought was a good idea at the time - even trying it on in the shop - and then have never ever worn it.

But it wouldn't happen here because my teens would rather have the fashionable blue tinge than be seen dead wearing a coat or jacket

ok.

firstly thank you to everyone for proffering an opinion, it was what i asked for and i appreciate the time taken to post.

the facts are that she is really not a brat.
really she isnt.
woffling is right in that my oldest DS has Aspergers and often DD has taken a back seat, without ever once complaining. She is usually absolutely delightful. The strop lasted all of 10 minutes, before she was back to her usual self.

She has however seen this thread, and some of the comments have deeply upset her, and she has come down to me in tears, it was my fault, i left the window on the laptop open. She asks for very little in life. Her xmas list is very humble, and she is helpful, wise and lovely to be around most of the time.

the comments are a mixed bag and whatever i do, someone is going to think i am wrong.

but, knowing my DD as i do, we have all talked about it, DH included, and we have all come to a solution.

The coat was less than £20.
she hates it. its slightly longer and a slightly different fit than in the pic. We have learnt a lesson and i had reservations about ordering clothing of Ebay anyway - just proved it really. The coat would be perfect for me if it fit - probably means that if i would wear it (im 40) she wouldnt.....

We are all in agreement that we will relist the coat on ebay.
the money from that will go towards the ASOS coat.
she will put her £40 toward it.
we will pay the difference,

the reasons for this are
a) i have made more expensive mistakes.
b) she does not do this routinely. She had no budget set for a coat and i dont think £80 is unreasonable, especially since all her mates buy superdry and coats 2x more expensive than she has ever asked for.
c) She is sensible and will wear a coat.
d) the ebay coat was less than £20 and she had not tried it on.

i know alot of posters will probably disagree, but we have talked it over and this is the solution we are all ok with.

i was annoyed with her this morning, but i have decided this is one battle not worth picking - its not set a precedent by any stretch, she is 15 and has never done this before, she is certainly no prima donna which is what surprised me when she got so upset about it. DH has softened his stance somewhat - not because she has nattered or nagged - she hasnt - i think he just also thought that at £20 it was not worth the ill feeling and upset it was causing. We have a great relationship with DD, and i like to think that after the initial strops we all have with each other, that our ability to talk it through and reach compromises is why.

anyway. thats sorted.

and thank you for the help. very mixed - some of you will think im sensible, some will think im a complete sucker. thats fine though and i thank you all anyway!

I would be fine with her not liking the coat in the flesh having chosen it online, because I've made bad online buys - haven't we all?

I think I'd be agreeing with her that the total coat budget is £40 for the H&M one (if you would have happily got her that if she'd chosen it in the first place).

Then I'd buy her the H&M coat & she'd owe me any shortfall after the ebay coat was sold - so if it went for £15, that'd be a £5 off her next allowance.

...& I'd tell her not to take the piss with the ATOS one - £80 is a lot for a cheap 'fashion' coat!

Sounds good.

Please tell your DD I think she sounds very lovely and I still can't get my slightly older DD to wear any coat!

Ah x posted - glad it's sorted!