Widowed dad wants to holiday with us, at same time as DSis and friend. WWYD?

[ConchFritter]

Name changer.

Due to DH job we live abroad, far away from family in hot sunny place where people love to come for holidays. DH and I have toddler. I miss my family and friends but have not been able to come back to UK since summer 2011 when toddler was a small baby. I feel sad that our families are missing out on our child's baby days - Skype is not the same. However Dad and sister came out together and visited us last winter.

DSis is now coming to stay again, this time over Christmas and into Jan. Also coming with her is DHs best friend, our child's godfather. Sister and he are great friends and both single in their 30s. They are both fantastic fun. They are really excited about coming on holiday and seeing us. In my sister's case this is the first holiday she has been on without Dad since Mum died. (she is a very kind daughter and dad doesn't like to holiday on his own).

Now dad has suddenly asked if he can come too. I've said no because we have no bed to put him in (am paying to put up my sister and DH friend in a friend's 2 bed house while she is away for two weeks). There is no chance of getting a hotel room now without paying hundreds of pounds a night.

But also I know how much my sister needs a proper holiday with someone her own age having fun. And I don't think it is fair on DH friend to have dad along on his holiday either. I have not said anything about this to dad but I was pathetically hoping he might realize its a bit unfair on DSis to always send her holidays with him - she needs her own life too.

I've offered to have dad another time and to pay for a room for him ( we have no spare room) but he can't come til late spring.

But I feel awful about dad not seeing any family at Christmas.
And dad has not got back to me since I told him we had no room. I worry that he feels depressed and abandoned.

He actually has lots of friends, a heaving social and work life and is a great host and lovely company, I know heaps of people owe him meals and would love to have him round over the days of the festive season.

WWYD?

I am boring! Dad wants all day boat trips, sunset snorkels, evening BBQ and exciting social dinner with wine!

Haven't read it all, will carry on reading as and when I can but, it almost sounds like your DF doesn't want Christmas with the family as all the bleeding hearts on here are fantasizing. He wants to muscle in on your sisters holiday, elbow out her friend and have you pay for it or have I got something seriously wrong in what I've read?

He's been widowed 5 years, he needs to move on and create a new life of his own, he had plans and decided to change them, he cannot reasonably expect everyone else to rearrange their plans just to accomodate him and if you all do rearrange your lives to his design then you will be making a rod for your own backs!

Your dad really needs to give your sister a bit of space. I can see why it's awkward to have to spell it out to him if he's unable refusing to see this for himself. I think you have to stick to your guns on this one though!

Funny how all the sad faces have stopped now.

OP, how old is your dad? Wouldn't he do better going on an action packed holiday with a group of people?

Does he see himself as much younger than he is? Does he usually hang out at a pub or similar where there's a mixed age range?

Most people would know that their children would prefer a holiday with their mates. Those of you sad-face-makers might need to think about this yourselves as you clearly see it as OK for parents to muscle in on their children's holidays. It's not a good way to be popular.

I too am quite entranced by the vanishing of the sadfaces. Anyone? WHat happened to all those heartrending stories of the devastated widower longing to babysit his grandson?

I too am quite entranced by the vanishing of the sadfaces. Anyone? WHat happened to all those heartrending stories of the devastated widower longing to babysit his grandson?

They all had to go an wipe the bums of their ageing MIL, while booking their only holiday of the year to a leaky caravan in Scotland in January with Dad cos he has 'fond memories' of his 1943 trip there. Oh, and they also had to watch their sisters kids while she went out on a date and iron their husbands clothes and hand knit football socks for their nephews and then pop out and pick a spot of shopping up for their great aunt...

Well I don´t think that going on the OP it was that hard to feel sorry for the Dad who wasn´t welcome to see his daughters over Christmas.

I feel really sorry for the sister as she is going to have him tagging along during her holiday even if he says he wont go out with them every day.

We don't need to vilify the dad. He just seems to need a bit of help understanding how things have to be allowed to change and develop within the family.

I'd give anything to have my Mum back for Christmas,she spent every Christmas with us since DC were born.
I could not bear to think of her missing us and the children at Christmas.
One day you won't have the choice.

I am sorry for your loss Echo but the problem is that this isnt in fact about Christmas at all. By the time the OP's DF gets there Christmas will be gone. This is also not really about the DF wanting to visit OP particularly. This is about the DF wanting to have yet another fun, fun, fun holiday with the DSis despite having not been invited.

I actually do think that the DF was rude to ask. By asking he put pressure on the OP to say 'yes'. This is made worse by the apparent sulking when he didnt get his way. None of the arrangements have been made with DF in mind. To include him now means changing everyone else's plans.

Totally in agreement with NamingOfParts.

Again sorry for your loss but it is so unhelpful and TOTALLY irrelevant for people to mention how they miss their loved ones etc etc. We all miss someone but that doesn't mean our whole lives have to be impacted upon by the "what ifs" in life.

Echo
the OP has also lost her mum, the clue is in the title.
Sorry for your loss

In this thread it's basically a case of sorry dad - no room, too late, different arrangements already in place, and OP will see the dad in a few months instead. It is not about Christmas and the sadfaces and guilt trippers seem to be missing the point/projecting!

Conch fritter - is that Florida then?

Hi OP

What happened in the end?

I hadn't forgotten this thread either. I've had several invitations for Christmas since I last posted so, if the father is a fun, fun, fun person, I doubt that he'll be without somewhere else to go.

I have to say that, where my son is concerned, it's time he and my DIL had a holiday to themselves but I'm going for Christmas and they are off on holiday without me at the end of December. Good for them.