Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Widowed dad wants to holiday with us, at same time as DSis and friend. WWYD?

192 replies

ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 20:22

Name changer.

Due to DH job we live abroad, far away from family in hot sunny place where people love to come for holidays. DH and I have toddler. I miss my family and friends but have not been able to come back to UK since summer 2011 when toddler was a small baby. I feel sad that our families are missing out on our child's baby days - Skype is not the same. However Dad and sister came out together and visited us last winter.

DSis is now coming to stay again, this time over Christmas and into Jan. Also coming with her is DHs best friend, our child's godfather. Sister and he are great friends and both single in their 30s. They are both fantastic fun. They are really excited about coming on holiday and seeing us. In my sister's case this is the first holiday she has been on without Dad since Mum died. (she is a very kind daughter and dad doesn't like to holiday on his own).

Now dad has suddenly asked if he can come too. I've said no because we have no bed to put him in (am paying to put up my sister and DH friend in a friend's 2 bed house while she is away for two weeks). There is no chance of getting a hotel room now without paying hundreds of pounds a night.

But also I know how much my sister needs a proper holiday with someone her own age having fun. And I don't think it is fair on DH friend to have dad along on his holiday either. I have not said anything about this to dad but I was pathetically hoping he might realize its a bit unfair on DSis to always send her holidays with him - she needs her own life too.

I've offered to have dad another time and to pay for a room for him ( we have no spare room) but he can't come til late spring.

But I feel awful about dad not seeing any family at Christmas.
And dad has not got back to me since I told him we had no room. I worry that he feels depressed and abandoned.

He actually has lots of friends, a heaving social and work life and is a great host and lovely company, I know heaps of people owe him meals and would love to have him round over the days of the festive season.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConchFritter · 07/11/2012 11:08

It is going be a tough job holding the boundaries tbh. That's why it's so important sister and DH friend stay a few miles
away in rented house. Even so, dad will likely want to hang out with them rather than stick about with me as i am necessarily homebased when toddler naps during day so beach lunch never option for me and sunset drinks is toddler bathtime!

OP posts:
Katisha · 07/11/2012 11:10

WHat about your sister? Will she just let him muscle in on her and the friend?

diddl · 07/11/2012 11:18

If he does come, perhaps your husband can make sure he spends time at the rented place with his friend & perhaps your sister can also spend some time with you & your dad?

Original poster
ConchFritter · 07/11/2012 11:19

That's the trouble. Dad v social and active. Holidays with sister much more fun than domestic minutiae with me! I have to cook clean and d childcare and I go to bed early after a quiet hour of tv and a
small beer as up at 4.30am. I am boring! Dad wants all day boat trips, sunset snorkels, evening BBQ and exciting social dinner with wine!

I am not sure how I would stop him zooming off with long suffering sis tbh...

Really hope he goes for spring but he will be much more
keen on hanging out with sis and a small crowd of young uns rather than seeing me and his gc.

Now wavering about whether to ask...
Need to talk to sis I think and dh friend and dh about likely reality.

OP posts:
Katisha · 07/11/2012 11:29

Oh dear - don't let your sister and friend be guilted into this as well. It puts them in a very awkward position if you say "how would you feel about my dad muscling in on your holiday and hanging out with you." Bottom line is - Someone has got to talk straight to your dad.
Has he replied to you yet?

diddl · 07/11/2012 11:31

Well can´t he do boat trips & snorkelling without anyone else?

Plus, if he stays with you he eats with you?

And you could have a bbq at yours for everyone?

Is it too hot for toddler to be outside when he naps?

Not sure now whether your Dad is selfish, thoughtless, insensitive or hasn´t a clue as no one tells him no!

As for your toddler constantly getting up at 4.30-how on earth do you stand it??!!

bamboostalks · 07/11/2012 11:31

Do not ask him, give your sister a break. She deserves it. He sounds a bit selfish himself tbh.

EmpressOfTheSevenRomanCandles · 07/11/2012 11:31

You're being very generous but I'm not sure I would ask, tbh.

It's very tough on your DH & it also sounds like if your Dad does choose to come, you'll have to spend all your time fending him off your Dsis & her friend - & I bet your Dsis won't be able to bring herself to say no to him going with her. Honestly, I'd stick to offering spring.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady · 07/11/2012 11:32

Having read the whole thread I'm now going off your dad a bit! Surely he should be much keener to spend time with you, the daughter he lives 14 hours away from, than a "crowd of young uns", even if they are snorkelling! Domestic minutiae is just part of some life stages unfortunately, I think it's very sad if that makes him prefer not to spend time with you. What exactly would you get out of this visit if it went ahead? Would there be much dad/granddad time for you and DC at all?

If you think he'll just ride roughshod over the intended boundaries, then I'd think twice about offering your bed TBH.

StanleyLambchop · 07/11/2012 11:36

Actually in your shoes I would not ask him . It seems he does not really want to visit you and his GC, he has just got whiff that your Dsis, his long suffering travel partner, is about to strike out on her own. Without him. Now he is suddenly keen to come out and visit you hang out with her . He seems intent on acting like a great big gooseberry and stop your sister having a life/fun/holidays without him.

It is inevitable that if he comes he will latch himself onto your sister and her friend- and that is totally not on, in my point of view. If my 30 year old daughter had spent the last five years holidaying with me and then suddenly had the chance to go off and have fun with others her own age I would drive her to the airport myself and practically shove her on the plane if necessary. Your Dad has to realise he is holding her back. I would not facilitate this behaviour if I were you.

diddl · 07/11/2012 11:39

I´m with mulled on this.

When he goes away with your sister-of course he wants to do stuff with her.

But this wouldn´t be a holiday with her.

It would be a visit to you & she happens to be there-with a friend of her own.

I´m also Sad that he would rather be out & about all day every day than with the daughter & GS that he doesn´t see very often.

When my Dad used to visit here he´d shop, walk the dog, pick up the kids with me-everything.

But then there wasn´t anything else on offerBlush

If he really won´t do as he´s told then I think it might be better not to invite him.

Chubfuddler · 07/11/2012 11:44

Has anyone ever said "no" to your father? It doesn't sound like it.

doctordwt · 07/11/2012 11:47

I think this sounds really unfair on everyone except your dad, who gets what he's suddenly decided he wants... even though up until recently his plans were quite different!

I'd be thinking very differently if it were a case of him having little social life, nowhere else to go, prospect of being alone and lonely at Christmas, grieving...

...but it's not like that is it?

Your sis sounds more in need than your dad at the moment to be honest!

Second those saying that your dad needs a few home truths here!

Original poster
ConchFritter · 07/11/2012 12:00

He DOES want to see me and DH and GS of course he does,mthat sounded unnecessarily hard. But the domestic reality of life based here is such that I go out with toddler 9-11 then I'm in at home doing lunch nap quiet time and out again with toddler 3-5 then tea bath stories bed and dinner with DH and early night! Knowing that sister is a few miles away on the beach/doing a boat trip/ having dinner under the stars at that time - course he will want to join in rather than sit here helping me tidy up or reading a book while DS naps!

Argh. It's a mare.

OP posts:
StanleyLambchop · 07/11/2012 12:06

He DOES want to see me and DH and GS of course he does

So if your sister suddenly cancelled the trip, would he still want to come on his own???

Katisha · 07/11/2012 12:06

What is his personality? Will he sulk if you just stick to your guns? Be morose? Hurt? Or can you get him to understand that things sometimes have to change and that having the friend along has to change the whole family dynamic this time and why would he think they should be hanging out with their friends father?

Why is he not replying to you do you think?

choceyes · 07/11/2012 12:20

Your DF sounds a bit selfish tbh. I'm sorry but that's the way it comes across.
Your poor sis does sounds like she needs a proper holiday and her and her mate have planned this together, and i think it is unfair of your DF to impose himself on their holiday. He should be more understanding.
I don't think you should ask your dad to come along, it's not fair on sis and friend.

SlipperyNipple · 07/11/2012 12:22

I think you need to have a talk to him about why it's not actually possible this Christmas and that your sister needs a break. He's an adult and will have to deal with it.

Yeah it may upset him but he will get over it. I really don't think parents have a right to live through their children all the time. Get your own life. He will change the dynamic and the sister needs time to be herself.

OP people are giving you a very hard time and I think you need to ignore them to be honest. Do explain things carefully to your father and then get on and have fun and try not too feel guilty.

Get him over in the spring and have a good time with him then.

SlipperyNipple · 07/11/2012 12:28

Also your sisters winter sun holiday is not negotiable really. That is really unreasonable of him to expect to go on.

ChaoticismyLife · 07/11/2012 12:29

I feel Sad for your sister here. She's sacrificed the last five years of her holidays for your father and the first time she organises a friend's holiday your selfish father tries to impose himself on them.

diddl · 07/11/2012 12:36

"course he will want to join in rather than sit here helping me tidy up or reading a book while DS naps!"

Nope-don´t get that tbh.

He could be having time with you.

SlipperyNipple · 07/11/2012 12:37

I don't think he is being selfish, he just doesn't understand and so it needs to be explained to him.

Did he take his own parents on all his holidays when he was younger?

SlipperyNipple · 07/11/2012 12:38

Yeah I agree with diddl my parents and MIL would rather be with the grandchildren. Does he usually come over and then spend more time out with sister that you and grandchild?

gotthemoononastick · 07/11/2012 12:39

Exactly everything slipperynipple said.I am old and would hate to be causing this worry! Just be honest and tell him as you told us. Spring much nicer anyway and baby bigger to really play with.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady · 07/11/2012 12:41

Yup, maybe he's just making certain assumptions on the basis of how the last five years have gone. Obviously people will put themselves out a lot during the worst stages of someone's bereavement, and go out of their way to include and help them. Maybe it's easy to fall into the habit of assuming that certain things are always going to be arranged to include you and be highly convenient to you; you forget there was a "normal" before where that didn't necessarily happen.

Swipe left for the next trending thread