Widowed dad wants to holiday with us, at same time as DSis and friend. WWYD?

[ConchFritter]

Name changer.

Due to DH job we live abroad, far away from family in hot sunny place where people love to come for holidays. DH and I have toddler. I miss my family and friends but have not been able to come back to UK since summer 2011 when toddler was a small baby. I feel sad that our families are missing out on our child's baby days - Skype is not the same. However Dad and sister came out together and visited us last winter.

DSis is now coming to stay again, this time over Christmas and into Jan. Also coming with her is DHs best friend, our child's godfather. Sister and he are great friends and both single in their 30s. They are both fantastic fun. They are really excited about coming on holiday and seeing us. In my sister's case this is the first holiday she has been on without Dad since Mum died. (she is a very kind daughter and dad doesn't like to holiday on his own).

Now dad has suddenly asked if he can come too. I've said no because we have no bed to put him in (am paying to put up my sister and DH friend in a friend's 2 bed house while she is away for two weeks). There is no chance of getting a hotel room now without paying hundreds of pounds a night.

But also I know how much my sister needs a proper holiday with someone her own age having fun. And I don't think it is fair on DH friend to have dad along on his holiday either. I have not said anything about this to dad but I was pathetically hoping he might realize its a bit unfair on DSis to always send her holidays with him - she needs her own life too.

I've offered to have dad another time and to pay for a room for him ( we have no spare room) but he can't come til late spring.

But I feel awful about dad not seeing any family at Christmas.
And dad has not got back to me since I told him we had no room. I worry that he feels depressed and abandoned.

He actually has lots of friends, a heaving social and work life and is a great host and lovely company, I know heaps of people owe him meals and would love to have him round over the days of the festive season.

WWYD?

Why can't your Dad have your room and you and DH sleep on an airbed in the lounge?

Why can't your toddler move in with you for a few weeks?

Completely agree angeltulips

YANBU to not want your DF to land himself on a pre-arranged holiday. He had plans and now wants to mess up someone else's because he has seen something else he fancies.

Say no, it is only Christmas not a once in a lifetime event.

Quite frankly it sounds to me like your DF is being a bit selfish. He wants to gatecrash a pre-arranged event and then dictate the terms.

you sound lovely to be so concerned with everyone, and it must be difficult because you can't keep everyone happy

I agree that it would be unfair on your sister and friend if you dad came along too so I think you're doing the right thing

I hope you can get in touch with your dad soon so he understands that it's just the timing thats a bit tricky and you can't wait to see him in the spring

If it were me I'd be on the blow up bed in the living room or toddlers room and dad would be in my bed.

He always has a place at my house.

I would agree that he shouldn't stay with your sister. That way she can have some space from him.

You say that your dad doesn't want to stay with you, that there is no room for him to stay with you and no hotel spaces. That's the difference between me and you, I would find a way to make it work so that he could come and visit.

That doesn't make me a martyr it just means I love my dad and would be delighted to spend time with him over the holiday period. Even more so when you live some distance from him and don't see him often.

If you want to you can make it work. Seems like you are looking for reasons for him not to come and none of them are very good ones.

To be honest I totally see where the OP is coming from. From what I can see, it's not ant setting up her sis and the friend, it's about the younger members of the family having a holiday together.
We've already established that da isn't going to be alone on Xmas day.

I have experience of my dad coming on holiday with me and my family, and as much as I love my dad, it's a right royal pain in the ass! This is partially because of physical disability, but also because it totally changes the dynamic.
We had our first Un-hijacked holiday this year and it was a blessed relief to just ha the 4 of us

"You say that your dad doesn't want to stay with you, that there is no room for him to stay with you and no hotel spaces. That's the difference between me and you, I would find a way to make it work so that he could come and visit."

by doing what, building a house? OP doesn't have room, he doesn't want to stay there anyway and he isn't offering to pay for his own hotel. What else can OP do?

What were your Dad's original plans?

I do understand your point about it being a break for your sister, and that it isn't actually Christmas, and that your Dad does have other plans (depending on what these other plans were)

I agree putting him up where your sister is staying isn't fair.

A good compromise might be him coming out for 1 week instead of 2 and you having DS in your room and him having DS's room. That way you aren't paying extra, and also your sister is still free to enjoy her break, and you are free to enjoy it with her, but your Dad gets included to.

You could easily justify not doing this by the way, but I think this is what I'd aim to do as a happy compromise.

Having lived away from family - and been in your situation, I think you are not being unreasonable..... Well he could come but he will have to stump up for the hotel. He has been used to being involved, and that is lovely, but you all made plans based on his (he had Xmas all sorted) and has changed his mind, but it's not up to you to make it happen for him.

Some of you have come up with what I think are good ideas to accommodate the father. The rest of you have no conception of what it's like to lose your husband or wife. The loss never comes to an end so you come up with the father being selfish. He asked if he could come too. He did not tell the OP that he was coming.

Angeltulips got it right. I've been there, done that so I know ....... the father is probably devastated at receiving a refusal but will never let the OP or her DH know how he feels. I have never been refused accommodation. I've usually been invited but have asked sometimes. If there is nothing immediately available, the family has shuffled around and there has always been room for me. I'm included in their friends' and in laws' dinner parties, big O birthday parties and other functions so I expect the OP's father feels that he has been blanked out. I feel sorry for him.

Also I really think you should phone him and sound him out. If he doesn't seem that fussed then fine, but if you can tell that he's upset by it is it worth putting up with the disruption to have him join you for some of their visit?

Well, of course it's within your rights to say no to him, OP, but I think it's pretty mean actually. He's your DAD. I wish my Dad was still alive to come and stay.

Yes wot Rulebrittania said. He probably won't let on how hurt he feels.

Well even if your Dad came, I don´t see how that stops your sister having a "proper holiday".

He doesn´t have to go everywhere with her!

However, if he is working Christmas Day, that´s that day out of the way.

But I can see how he would like to spend some of the "Christmas peeriod" with his daughters.

My Dad is on his own-sibling & I both abroad.

I´m leaving my husband & teenagers here & going to my Dad-who after many years of flying now doesn´t feel able to alone & unfortunately we can´t afford to fetch him.

If the OP has said No and changes her mind, he won't feel as welcome as he would if she'd said Yes in the first place. She told him that she "had no bed to put him in". How is she going to get over the change of attitude and where will the accommodation suddenly appear from? I know how I'd feel. Just because we are older than young parents does not mean that we cannot use our brains any more and my son knows that.

I will add that some of my friends have invited me for Christmas Day but I know where I'd rather be. Friends will never be what my family has been and is, whether they are neighbours, club friends or former colleagues.

Well she could just say 'actually I've been thinking about it some more and what about if we...' so it's not that difficult RB!

I still don't think she's obliged to do it, but I would like to think it would be possible for a few days!

YABU. You haven't seen your dad in a year. The rest of the family (you and your sister) are getting together over Christmas. He has asked to come too and you have said no. I cannot imagine how devastated, rejected and alone your poor dad must feel.

Could you have your Dad before Christmas for 10 days, then somehow ram things in for 2-3 nights so everyone is there, then have your sister and friend afterwards?

That way nobody is alone at Christmas but everyone still gets a break.

Or have him at some point in Jan where there is an "everybody together" crossover, so he has something to look forward to, but it still gives your sister a break?

Ok typing whilst doing tea in hurry...

It's a 14 hour flight- not like he can come for a few days and the only dates he can do til spring are boxing day and first week jan.

There is almost zero chance of finding hotel room for a few days that week. Peak week peak season.

Dad doesn't want to stay at ours as toddler wakes at 4.30am and is bad sleeper. If we sleep with toddler nobody will sleep. Ok for long weekend not for fortnight or a week.

Dad does want to stay with sister and friend. No insomniac toddler there. But there's no room unless one of them gives up bed.

How is it fair to friend to ask him to accomodate his mates FIL/ companions DF suddenly on his holiday?

How is it fair to sis to yet again have dad there on her holiday?

Also not fair on DH who is dying to see his mate.

It's no good when people try and stay with us, it just doesn't work, nobody gets any sleep - which is why we pay for guest accomodation-but in this case there is none available for dad.

Where are you that it costs hundreds of pounds a night for a hotel room? Can you tell us and we might beable to fish around for you. Can your dad put some money towards the accomodation? I dont think he will impose on your sisters fun if she is in a place on her own with just her friend. Your dad would probably love to babysit as well. Its a shame, I dont envy you. Christmas is horrible without your family though.

I think if your Dad is being particular enough to say that he won't sleep in your DS's room because he wakes early then it is not entirely reasonable for him to expect your DH's friend to sleep on the sofa so he can have a room.

It does sound like you have made the decision that it's not going to work him coming. Is it worth phoning him just to talk to him about why, and it's not because it's not wanted etc etc. May just be me, but perhaps disappointing news to get by email.

I don't think its fair on your sis if your Dad comes.

It's 5 years since your Mum died so that means that your Dsis has spent the last 5 years holidaying with your Dfather which whilst laudable doesn't seem fair on a 30 year old. I believe she is entited to have her own holiday with the potential spark of romance and whilst I feel sorry for your widowed Dad she needs to live her own life - if he comes he presumably goes on the same flights does the same things as her etc etc.

And yes I know very well how much sleep you get with a toddler in the same bedroom.