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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Widowed dad wants to holiday with us, at same time as DSis and friend. WWYD?

192 replies

ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 20:22

Name changer.

Due to DH job we live abroad, far away from family in hot sunny place where people love to come for holidays. DH and I have toddler. I miss my family and friends but have not been able to come back to UK since summer 2011 when toddler was a small baby. I feel sad that our families are missing out on our child's baby days - Skype is not the same. However Dad and sister came out together and visited us last winter.

DSis is now coming to stay again, this time over Christmas and into Jan. Also coming with her is DHs best friend, our child's godfather. Sister and he are great friends and both single in their 30s. They are both fantastic fun. They are really excited about coming on holiday and seeing us. In my sister's case this is the first holiday she has been on without Dad since Mum died. (she is a very kind daughter and dad doesn't like to holiday on his own).

Now dad has suddenly asked if he can come too. I've said no because we have no bed to put him in (am paying to put up my sister and DH friend in a friend's 2 bed house while she is away for two weeks). There is no chance of getting a hotel room now without paying hundreds of pounds a night.

But also I know how much my sister needs a proper holiday with someone her own age having fun. And I don't think it is fair on DH friend to have dad along on his holiday either. I have not said anything about this to dad but I was pathetically hoping he might realize its a bit unfair on DSis to always send her holidays with him - she needs her own life too.

I've offered to have dad another time and to pay for a room for him ( we have no spare room) but he can't come til late spring.

But I feel awful about dad not seeing any family at Christmas.
And dad has not got back to me since I told him we had no room. I worry that he feels depressed and abandoned.

He actually has lots of friends, a heaving social and work life and is a great host and lovely company, I know heaps of people owe him meals and would love to have him round over the days of the festive season.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 22:01

Have offered any other time but only dates dad can do are boxing day and first week jan. Sis and friend coming a few days before Xmas and first week jan.

I repeat, dad doesn't want to stay with us because toddler wakes at 4.30 am.

He wants to hang out with sister and friend!
And also with me snd GC and DH too but he IS expecting to hang out with sis and friend during lunchtime and evenings when toddler naps and does bedtime.

I do think he is B U but it's so sad and so guilt inducing and I think I will have to ask DH friend how
much he
would mind dad coming along.

He will be nice about it but it's not really fair. Sister will give up her bed for dad but it's a shame. She has not had holiday with people her age for years.

OP posts:
theoriginalandbestrookie · 06/11/2012 22:06

I really don't think you should ask.

Your sister hasn't had a holiday without her father for 5 years.

She needs this opportunity to spend time in company her own age. She planned this without him. If she had wanted him to come she would have asked him.

Yes its a wee bit sad for your father but he can come in Spring.

Roastchicken · 06/11/2012 22:08

OP has given two reasons for Dad not coming -

  1. nowhere to stay
  2. that it's be a much more fun Christmas period break for everyone else without him, he should appreciate that and not even suggest coming.

The impression given is that the real reason is the latter. It is hard to give him the impression that he is wanted, when that is not the case - even aside from space she would much rather he didn't come at that time. How would the OP feel is she was old, alone and widowed and her children said that she couldn't join them at Christmas?

Sorry this has upset me so much as my Dad is widowed and lonely so that has touched a nerve.

drizzlecake · 06/11/2012 22:09

OMG you must be so glad you posted on here Conch - all the posters pressing every guilt button under the sun.

It's a long flight, DF shouldn't be expecting his daughter to take him on holiday constantly, v selfish. Gawd I would never expect my DCs to step into my spouse's shoes.

Also you are surmising how he feels about things, Conch (with help from all the bleeding hearts on here). You are just assuming the worst ie that he is devastated and upset the truth is probably totally different.

He is probably busy accepting a lovely invite to Mrs suchandsuch down the road for an Xmas dinner a deux or looking forward to a boozy Xmas dinner with an old friend or two. Ime lovely widowed older men don't stay that way for long.

You have done what you can and can really spoil him in the Spring plus DS will be older and more entertaining (and hopefully sleeping better).

Raspberrysorbet · 06/11/2012 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lighthousekeeping · 06/11/2012 22:10

who will be babysitting when you party with your sister? For me that would close the deal, if your dad is happy to do that.

QOD · 06/11/2012 22:15

I would say to him, look dad, I really want to see you, but on your own. Let sis have her fun break and why don't you come over a couple of days before she leaves .... Then I GET YOU ALL TO MYSELF! After all, you live near dsis

Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 22:15

If dad and sis had asked to come together for Xmas that would have been fine! Great even! And I'd have sorted it out for them.

As it was sis and friend asked so we sorted it out for THEM.

It's not fair on friend is it? imagine - 'i've saved for hol of
lifetime with best mate and his Sil and now her dad wants to come too! AIBU to be gutted?'

it's not just dad to consider.
It's sister, dh best friend AND dad and there us no win win :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 22:18

Qod that is basically what I said to dad in follow up email. He didn't reply. I told him no originally by skype, I was calling sis to discuss and he was there! So was put on spot...

OP posts:
Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 22:22

Our babysitter will babysit ds, he knows her well. Dad is not one for babysitting, though I'm sure he'd do one night if reasurred toddler wouldn't wake... Hard to make that assurance!

OP posts:
ImagineJL · 06/11/2012 22:26

YANBU

OP's Dad knew about Christmas plans ages ago, and chose to make other plans, including working on Christmas day.

He has a regular holiday companion in his 30 year old daughter. How many parents can say that? He's very lucky in that respect.

Surely part of a parent's role is to want the best for their children, putting their own feelings in second place. He should be able to see that his daughter needs a holiday with people her own age now and then.

If the OP was going on honeymoon somewhere nice over Christmas, would it be OK for him to join them then, "because he's her Dad and it's Christmas"?

ImperialBlether · 06/11/2012 22:40

Is this the point where I realise the OP's dad is younger than me?

Your sister has a right to a holiday with her friend. You need to say, "Dad, it's better if you come at another time. Sister has been looking forward to this trip with YoungMan and they'll want to go off doing things together. There are only two beds and it's not fair on her to sleep on the sofa on her holiday. Come in the Spring instead."

I do think there are a lot of martyrs on here and a lot of hypocrites too - how many of you spent every holiday from 25-30 with your dad? Can't you see why her sister wants to go on holiday with a friend for a change? It doesn't mean they don't love their dad, ffs!

FairhairedandFrustrated · 06/11/2012 22:44

Am I the only one wondering why the toddler is waking at 4.30am?

suburbophobe · 06/11/2012 22:49

I'm also amazed by all the guilt trips OP is being laid on here.

Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 22:49

Thanks again for replies!

Have to do bedtime.. Will be back later but before I go, toddler wakes at 4.30am because that is when all the noisy wild roosters on this island kick off! Not much we can do about it!

OP posts:
Raspberrysorbet · 06/11/2012 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 22:55

It's illegal and there are fucking thousands of them.

Must bath naughty naked toddler.

Thanks again, it has helped to talk it through.

OP posts:
cocolepew · 06/11/2012 23:09

YANBU. Christmas is one day, and he's working that anyway. Its not fair on your sister or friend.

whois · 06/11/2012 23:40

I do think there are a lot of martyrs on here and a lot of hypocrites too - how many of you spent every holiday from 25-30 with your dad? Can't you see why her sister wants to go on holiday with a friend for a change? It doesn't mean they don't love their dad, ffs!

^good post

plutocrap · 07/11/2012 00:29

Blimey, some of you lot are meaner than a "D"H who Does It All for his parents often by delegating to his DW It is not wrong to take a majority into consideration: OP's DH, OP's sister, OP's child... all of whom acted in good faith by organising this holiday in this way (and in good time, it should be added!). Should they never make any plans ever afain, in case DF changes his mind and is a bit picky about whete to stay AND wants to chuck someone else out of a bed, to boot? It's a shame he didn't think this through, as it really is a lose-lose-lose all round situation all round... but NOT one you created, OP.

MoetEtPantsOn · 07/11/2012 05:12

OP can you ask your sister to speak to him? Face to face might be better.

ENormaSnob · 07/11/2012 06:37

Yanbu

It would be unfair on your sis and dh friend.

Fairylea · 07/11/2012 06:52

But it's not just a holiday is it ? It's Christmas! And the dad will be alone! Sorry but I don't think it's right to exclude him... by all means another time but not at Christmas.

diddl · 07/11/2012 06:56

Well if there´s no room/he doesn´t want to stay with you, that´s that isn´t it?

diddl · 07/11/2012 06:58

All those saying how awful for sis & dh´s friend-why?

Would he stop them going off & doing what they wanted to do??!!