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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Widowed dad wants to holiday with us, at same time as DSis and friend. WWYD?

192 replies

ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 20:22

Name changer.

Due to DH job we live abroad, far away from family in hot sunny place where people love to come for holidays. DH and I have toddler. I miss my family and friends but have not been able to come back to UK since summer 2011 when toddler was a small baby. I feel sad that our families are missing out on our child's baby days - Skype is not the same. However Dad and sister came out together and visited us last winter.

DSis is now coming to stay again, this time over Christmas and into Jan. Also coming with her is DHs best friend, our child's godfather. Sister and he are great friends and both single in their 30s. They are both fantastic fun. They are really excited about coming on holiday and seeing us. In my sister's case this is the first holiday she has been on without Dad since Mum died. (she is a very kind daughter and dad doesn't like to holiday on his own).

Now dad has suddenly asked if he can come too. I've said no because we have no bed to put him in (am paying to put up my sister and DH friend in a friend's 2 bed house while she is away for two weeks). There is no chance of getting a hotel room now without paying hundreds of pounds a night.

But also I know how much my sister needs a proper holiday with someone her own age having fun. And I don't think it is fair on DH friend to have dad along on his holiday either. I have not said anything about this to dad but I was pathetically hoping he might realize its a bit unfair on DSis to always send her holidays with him - she needs her own life too.

I've offered to have dad another time and to pay for a room for him ( we have no spare room) but he can't come til late spring.

But I feel awful about dad not seeing any family at Christmas.
And dad has not got back to me since I told him we had no room. I worry that he feels depressed and abandoned.

He actually has lots of friends, a heaving social and work life and is a great host and lovely company, I know heaps of people owe him meals and would love to have him round over the days of the festive season.

WWYD?

OP posts:
socharlotte · 06/11/2012 20:39

..and I don't get the 'gate crashing' thing.They are staying with family not going on a romantic getaway.Is your sis ashamed of your dad?

motherinferior · 06/11/2012 20:40

Arthur, that would depend entirely on my relationship with them, and on how much I had put into deserving their affection.

justmyview · 06/11/2012 20:40

It's a pity no one thought of this before your DSis booked her flights. Christmas is "loaded" for a lot of people. I can see it could be difficult for your Dad to be on his own, but seems unfair to alter other people's plans. Do you have other relatives who could invite your Dad over on Boxing Day and / or Christmas Eve?

mamij · 06/11/2012 20:41

Your poor dad. Maybe it's the first Christmas he has to spend alone and feels rather sad because of it? Can he camp out in your DCs room for two weeks? (Am assuming your dc has their own room). And if he's staying with you, it's more like he's seeing you and not "being on holiday with your sister"..?

motherinferior · 06/11/2012 20:41

And just how much work for you is this turning into, as well?

whois · 06/11/2012 20:43

Wow can't believe all the martyr's on here.

Sister and friend plan holiday.
Dad decides at the last min he wants to come too.
There is no space an everyone was looking forward to a young 'un's holiday.

It is not U to say he can't come then at all.

If this was a "MIL wants to come and stay even tho my sister and friend are here and I haven't room and I have stuff planned" everyone would be all like "oooh evil mil, tell her to do one".

He's a big boy. He can cope with being told no.

Waswondering · 06/11/2012 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 20:45

Again.
He can't stay here on fold up bed. And
he doesn't want to and has said so. Needs own space. Our toddler wakes at 4.30 am. It cannot be done and certainly not for two weeks.

I love him and he is lovely dad and grand dad.
But I still don't think it is fair for sister and 30 something friend to have dad jump in on their longed for holiday. There is a 30 year age gap and sister really does need to have time out from family stuff and just have a fun break with a pal her own age. She is shattered.

And there is NO ROOM at sisters accommodation and no hotels affordable so unless sister or DH friend sleep on sofa there, which seems a bit unfair...

I have invited him to come any other time he likes, unfortunately he can't come to spring. That isn't my fault.

Oh God, I still wish I could sort this out but how is it fair on the other two?
It isn't.

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 06/11/2012 20:48

OMG, you've got to invite him, no question about it. He's your DAD and he's recently widowed. And it's Christmas. I think he should feel incredibly hurt and quite rightly.

OP, the fact you feel bad about it is telling you something. And no amount of friends make up for family.

Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 20:50

Have paid for accommodation for sister and friend because they can't afford hotel here and there is no room here. Paying for their accommodation is still cheaper than renting house with spare bedroom we don't use for a year.

In same way will be paying for hotel for dad when he does manage to come out. Is what DH and I decided when choosing to rent smaller house that couldn't hold visitors.

Toddler waking at dawn and being nightmare sleeper means we are not much good as a guest house anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 20:51

He has been widowed for FIVE years.
He had alternative Xmas plans but then went off them.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 06/11/2012 20:51

If you can't have him, you can't have him. He asked. You said really sorry, no. Er...that's it.

DewDr0p · 06/11/2012 20:53

I imagine that when this was first booked that it felt very distant and with the benefit of that distance your Dad thought it would be fine. Now Christmas is looming and the reality of spending it on his own has just hit him.

Could you sort it so they overlap a bit but not for the full duration of your dsis' holiday?

whois · 06/11/2012 20:55

Guys read the thread.

  1. it's not Christmas
  2. he doesn't want to stay in the house of the OP he wants to stay with Sis
  3. it is NOT the first Christmas since his wife died

I love my dad and get on well. I'd love to have him over for Christmas. However if I had a trip planned with a mate, he would NOT invite himself along. Jesus people, the Dad is being U!

VirginiaDare · 06/11/2012 20:56

read the thread yourself, it IS xmas the holiday is planned for.

porridgewithalmondmilk · 06/11/2012 20:57

The thing is, five years yes, OK, fair enough, but he's still alone isn't he? It's been fifteen years since my mum died but being alone at Christmas (and I include the extended holiday period in that!) is horrible, it really is.

I couldn't do it to my dad, I just couldn't. As it is, it's being done to me and it does hurt to be honest and I am dreading Christmas, a bit.

Original poster
ConchFritter · 06/11/2012 20:57

Toddler now awake and have to whizz off will not be ale to reply til later sorry. Thanks very much for replies.

OP posts:
formerdiva · 06/11/2012 21:01

OP - I know it feels harsh, but he's the only parent you've got. This may one of those moments that when it's too late, you look back on with regret. I'm really sorry to say that because I do understand your frustration, but you won't have him forever so cherish him while you can.

Waswondering · 06/11/2012 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

akaemmafrost · 06/11/2012 21:04

If it was my Dad he'd be coming. It's Christmas and I can't see how it's going to spoil their holiday, they can still go off and do their own thing.

YABU. Poor Dad Sad.

iheartmycat · 06/11/2012 21:05

what a lovely chance for you all to spend some time together! why can't you take your son in with you so your dad can have his own room?

And surely dad being then means it's an extra babysitter and you can go out more with dsis and her mate? :)

Stonefield · 06/11/2012 21:05

I don't think you should feel in the least bit guilty. He shouldn't be asking in the first place. You sound absolutely lovely. It is not your job to keep everybody happy. He is a grown man and, more to the point, your parent. He should be doing what is in the best interest of both his daughters. I wouldn't have any trouble saying no to my mother. But then I'm hard as nails with no soul.Grin

whois · 06/11/2012 21:06

VirginiaDare nope he's actually working on Christmas day.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 06/11/2012 21:06

I don't think you do have to invite him.

It sounds like your house is not a last minute type of destination and there is nowhere for him to sleep without compromising either your own or your sisters comfort as he won't sleep on the airbed.

I'd email and phone him again. Tell him how much you love him and reiterate the offer for spring. I can't see what else you can do - you can't summon up £££ for his hotel room and I agree with you that Dsis needs a proper holiday.

It is sad that its christmas but then he isn't planning to be there for christmas anyway.

angeltulips · 06/11/2012 21:07

I guess it really depends on the situation & how you all relate to each other.

But on the face of it it sounds like yr dad has changed his plans so he can see his daughters together at Christmas. Which seems totally reasonable (and loving) to me.

Either way, my tummy screwed itself up in knots & I felt indescribably sad when I read the OP. I have no idea if YABU, but I know I couldn't say no in the circs you have described, no matter what the cost/inconvenience.