To be disgusted by the criteria for free childcare for 2 year olds

[LowToleranceMamma]

So because I'm not 'poor' enough, I'm not entitled to childcare for my 2 year old, even though I am really struggling with PND and a baby. We can't afford to pay for it.

Thanks for the ideas Prarie. Can you give me some ideas of where I can go with them? DD doesn't seem to kick off too often at soft play, but I can't take her to soft play every day or she'll get bored. I tried the park today but it was being in the pram for so long that set her off.

Panda - are you from the Beamish area?

Some health visitors definitely have a manner which makes people feel bullied and undermined. When you see the gp make them aware that you feel unable to be honest about how much you are struggling because of how negatively you feel about hv. It's likely that to get the help you need to feel better a health visitor may need to be involved as they can access support services, but maybe gp can help to get hv changed. You may be able to access some free childcare on short term basis to help you to access counselling or have a break, but it would be hv or possibly sure start who could tell you if this is available in your area. Sure start could allocate a family support worker to do some work with you at home to give strategies to manage behaviour.

Baking together? building with megabloks? drawing?

You can make your own 'soft play' at home with cushions and things.

Go out and feed the ducks together

It depends how tolerant you are off mess really!

I'm from Durham, so not too far. PM me if you want.

Thanks Jomato - I will ask the GP about changing HVs. I'm worried about things like "family support workers". Do they watch you closely for child abuse? I don't want to feel like people are breathing down my neck. Thats how I've always felt when I've sought help before.

-garden centres
-pet shops
-a variety of parks with dolly buggy(although they can cause tantrums)or scooter
-I went to as many toddler groups as I could if poss-mind numbingly boring and on occasions stressful but seeing other mums bored or stressed sadly made me feel better
-library
-local shops(yawn but they like it)
-we had a zoo/farm membership.NT membership is good
-Children's Centre
-cafes with toys in

beach,woods etc if you have them near

get a copy of The Primary Times,there is a preschool version often set out in libraries,masses of great free stuff/great kid venues/vouchers in there

I used to do 1 craft activity a day(don't be too ambitious or you'll stress yourself out),things that didn't need you or a fab end result-look on Imagination Tree.Pouring pasts into pans was a fav,posting etc.If you're a neat freak this may cause more problems than it's worth.Aqua Draw is mess free.

I used to read books for half an hour(they'll often sit with a basket for another half hour after),an hour(ahem often more)of Cbeebies or other shows/DVDs she likes,rotate toys.Nothing wrong with TV imvho.They like role play at this age-set up a home corner/play kitchen,dressing up.

I used to plan the day and give it structure as it made it not some so eternally long.However if that isn't you don't do it,could cause more harm than good.

Get her name down for Pre school now!!!!!Ours take them at 2.When do they get the pre-school vouchers?

The idea of services like family support through sure start is that it prevents families under strain becoming families in crisis. You are obviously struggling at the minute and need support to get to where you want to be as a family that's what they are there for. I think your anxiety about feeling that people are there to watch you is stopping you from realising people are there to help you. That's totally normal but what most people discover when they ask for help is that there is help out there and it's not nearly as scary as they thought. Any service involved with you or your children has a responsibility to keep there eyes open for signs of abuse but that is not there primary function, they are there to support. They aren't going to see something that isn't there.

I don't know if this would be your thing at all but cycling with kids in trailer behind the bike is one way to get exercise - which will help your state of mind - without having to listen to kids complaining. The trailers have straps and covers. Dc are safe in them and can wear helmets too- but you will be removed from any moaning and they might like it - or better still fall asleep!

I live about ten miles from Newcastle and, on a day like today, I can understand why you wouldn't want to go out - but it's essential if you want to keep some sanity. I look after my 20 month GS on Tuesdays and this morning he played up when his mother left him, played like an angel all day and was really good company and fun, but then started plaiyng up when my DD came to pick him up. This is what small (and older children) do - they wind up their parents! There is a very fine line to walk when bringing up children - they can go from being angels to devils and back again in the space of moments.

Please see your doctor as soon as possible - you do need help and I am sure it will be there for you.

Listen my love. I feel pissed off at the slagging off the criteria for the nursery place. I had one of these places and it saved my life and my children's. I love my children dearly but they are little bastards. Their behaviour in recent time pushed me to the brink of killing them. But I changed medication which helped for a while.

I have had the nursery place, a home start volunteer who was wonderful. My local children's centre got me a banardos family worker and I have been through caf and cahms. Not needed the HV for any of it.

There are good hours and bad hours and it's just one step at a time.

But I am completely on my own. The advantage you do have in an OH. Use it. If they take the kids out for an hour, that is brilliant. I can tell you that kind of support is better than a free nursery place.

The children's centre is a real door opener for services. No HV needed in my case anyway.

And if you have to go anywhere with the children because you can't get chilcare don't stress. Many services do have a free crèche or my line is - what shall I do with them? Shut them in a cupboard?

Re the 2 year old's behaviour often they are a pita due to getting frustrated with language ie they can't articulate what they want to.They're learning loads but the language skills aren't quite there yet.Sometimes when they're quite bright they get even more frustrated.

Try to make sure she articulates what she wants to,keep chatting to her to speed up the language development.

In our area it's a social work or health visitor referral and can be for s number of reasons, mine was for SPD whilst pregnant, have also had friends with DC with developmental delays, SNs, family issues, PND and one friend who made up a story

I've decided tomorrow I am going to the nearest children's centre and dropping off the kids. they can be adopted. i cant cope. i told this to DH and he said if i do it, it will be the end of our relationship, but thats fine. our marriage is crap anyway. he also says that if i dont like it i can fuck off but ive got nowhere to go.

So sorry you are feeling like this.

Do go to the childrens centre but ask for support, take any help and support they can offer you. Talk to people about how you are feeling they can help you and things will improve.

Is your 'D'H generally supportive? Does he help raise his children or does he expect you to do it all?

Is it true that the kids would be worse off being adopted than living in this mess? (thats what DH said). They're clearly very unhappy living here. The average child's tantrum lasts 20 minutes, but my kids tantrum all day.

Sirzy - he does help, but he expects a medal for it. he reminds me that his work is harder than mine and that im selfish.

They wouldn't be better off adopted, neither would you or your DH. Your emotions are all over the place, they may be feeding off that and it could be affecting the behaviour. That is a temporary situation which can be resolved by good quality support, adoption is not.

The average child's tantrum lasts 20 minutes, but my kids tantrum all day.

None of mine did - way longer - and other parents told me there went on and on so I image that a heck of a lot longer than 20 minutes.

Try and get a good nights sleep - then try talking to DH in the morning when you are both less tired. If your DD played up with him he's probably tired and feeling stressed at the minute as well.

Tell him clamly that you need help in the morning - that its serious and he need to help you get that help- see if he can take time off and help you get to the GPs and certainly drop into the children center and talk to them tomorrow.

I see it as the kindest thing to do for them. I can't see any other way out. DH won't even take the day off work. He leave me with no choice. The thought of spending another day alone with them fills me with fear.

Well he is being the complete opposite of supportive then isn't he? No wonder you feel the way you do, with an attitude like that I would say it's likely that if you didn't have to cope with his shit then you would be able to cope with the children much better.

Regarding the children's behaviour, if you lived closer to me then I would invite you round to watch my ds. A 20 minute tantrum would be an improvement. But he is a toddler, he wants to know everything, thinks he can do everything and can't clearly communicate what he wants, why he wants it and why it's not fair if I don't let him have it. That's why he tantrums and it will be the same for your children.

If the tantrum continues beyond reason, ds is put in his room, which is a safe environment and I close the door, go downstairs and have a cup of tea/chocolate bar etc to calm myself down. After five or ten minutes I go up and give him a hug and we go back downstairs, repeat until bedtime and remember that this too shall pass.

I'm scared I may snap.

Will your DH sit down and listen to your concerns? If not could you write down exactly how you are feeling for him to read?

You are struggling and if he is going to be an unsupportive arse that will only make things worse. He needs to realise you are a team and need to work together.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd - DD and DS rub eachother the wrong way. He will tantrum and that will anger her so then she will tantrum, and that will upset him, so he will tantrum, and so on. It never ends.

How often does your DS tantrum? I fear that if I followed your stratergy, DD would never be out of her room.