To be disgusted by the criteria for free childcare for 2 year olds

[LowToleranceMamma]

So because I'm not 'poor' enough, I'm not entitled to childcare for my 2 year old, even though I am really struggling with PND and a baby. We can't afford to pay for it.

I don't think lashingout at your husband will help. Ithink you need to take some responsibility for getting some help for you. Your children deserve it and the support is there.

Have you taken people's advice yet? Have you rung all the people you can? Hv, children's centre and doctor. Be honest with them - don't just complain about you children or husband but explain that you need help, that you're struggling, having thoughts of adoption etc.

Hexen, thank you. Yours reads much better. I've copied and pasted it into an email and am about to click 'send'. Is there anything else I should add before I do?

Ellie, good point on being ill and needing time off work. Although he would argue that he is depressed also, yet still goes to work.

andallthatjargon - I go out every day. DD tantrums outside too.

It's no one else's fault that you have large outgoings??? Others may be able to afford it but may have a 15 yr old car, no credit card bills and opted for a home on the rougher end of town as its £200 a month cheaper??? Not right to feel disgusted

Sorry to hear you are struggling but does no one calculate whether they can actually afford a baby before they have one these days? I know accidents can happen but why should the government have to fork out

Well if you are having trouble contacting GP and children centres by yourself - I don't know but I know there have been times when my shyness and physical tiredness has made that daunting in my life - ask him to make sure you do it and possibly come along with you.

Made be if he has something practical to do to help you ? he?ll be more supportive ? That depends of what kind of person he is though.

Hexen, thank you. Yours reads much better. I've copied and pasted it into an email and am about to click 'send'. Is there anything else I should add before I do?

I think hexen version would do you could add that you love your family very much just you are really struggling and need help good luck I hope he responds well

Don't email your dh - talk to him.

he's a double-edged sword. on the one hand, he appears to like doing practical things for people (offers to take on other peoples responsibilities), but on the other hand - he gets resentful for doing it.

Just last night he said he's sick of 'looking after me'; that he feels like he has 3 kids instead of 2. When i asked what he meant by 'looking after me', he said that he drives me places (twice a week he drops me off at the gym) and gets the shopping in. That doesn't sound overly-taxing to me, or AIBU?

Send the e-mail as is possibly adding Mrsjay cooments- see if that improves his attitide and focus on getting some outside help.

Pick up the phone to the GP.

I once picked up the phone to the MW department - new move very young DC and toddler - and promptly busted into tears - as did DH who up to that point had been telling me I was fine - they were great straight out got me mastitis medicine sorted ? I had to give address through gulps of giant sobs ?took ages but they were great.

PND is very common - you just need a bit of help teh right medicine and it will get better.

LowToleranceMamma, just wanted to send you big hugs and say I hope you get the help you so badly need and deserve.

I had PND after having all 3 of my DCs and have never received a scrap of support for it anywhere, from my DH, family members or medical professionals. My DH was the same as yours, just saw me as selfish or not as in need of any rest as he was after a day at work. My family told me to pull myself together and then my mum refused to see me until I was 'better' as apparently it 'got her down' that I was down all the time. Medical professionals were about as useful as a chocolate teapot. After DC3 I ended up seeing a private counsellor for a year and she was amazing, she really helped. Would something like this be an option for you at all? It really didn't cost very much despite being private, and the amount it cost me per week would be relatively to 'find' by cutting back on grocery spending etc.

It sounds like your OH doesn't want to confront the reality that you're not coping. It's just as much his responsibility to make sure your kids are well looked after as it is yours.
Perhaps if he could be engaged in finding a solution to your unhappiness he would feel more involved?

Can he ask his side of he family to help out to give you a break, or take over with the kids for a few evenings a week so you could do a bar job? (which sounds a brilliant idea).
You definitely need to get him to understand that you two need to be a united front, and that the psychological drain of being at home with 2 babies shouldn't just be on your shoulders.

He's replied. What are your opinions on his response? I'm pleansantly surprised:

Babe, I tried hard to support you yesterday, trying to think of helpful suggestions and attempting ( tho obviously very badly ) to support you emotionally as well.
I am trying as hard to do as much as I can, its very normal for blokes to react this way, if not really what's needed, but taking on as many tasks as I can and trying to give you as many breaks as I can is surely helpful in some way. There is very rarely a simple thanks for anything so we are both undervaluing each other.
What I couldn't cope with last night, and what broke it down into a terrible argument is your threats to abandon the babas at the children's center. Imagining poor DD crying in fear, terrified at being abandoned and having no one she is familiar with to look after her and then you expecting me to play happy couples with you presses a ton of wrong buttons, imagine how you would react if I threatened you with that, of course I don't believe you hate our kids so much that you would be so cruel and nasty to them, the reason why you made the threats is because you were pissed off with me ( for what reason I have no idea ) and wanted cause massive drama. I think its because the feelings of resentment and hatred that come with the massive drama feels better than the actual depression,

You say you need more emotional support from me, I'm sorry, I don't have the skills, knowledge, experience or personality to give you that, I don't even know what you mean, it would be really helpful to have some clear examples like. Last night it would have been helpful if you said 'xyz' or did 'abc'. Don't expect much, you hate to hear it and are even very annoyed at the fact that this (family life) is exhausting and I am exhausted.

I don't want to sound like I am taking no responsibilty, I was truely awful last night, a horrible bastard that said terrible things and there is no excuse for that no matter how tired and depressed I feel, I am sorry

:'(

Have you made an emergency appt yet with the GP?

That reply shows his intentions are good. I think you both just need some outside help. What about ringing the GP and childrens centre today?

Where's your families in all this ?

Have been thinking of you all morning op.I don't like to nag but have you rang anybody yet?

Re your dh I have to say he sounds like a nice chap.He clearly wants to help but is at a loss to know what to do.You're both going through a hell of a time and neither knows what to do.

My dp used to race home at lunchtime to take the dc out and then worked later.That was with his old job,he couldn't do it in this job but his intentions would still be there ie he'd still want to.

Your dh is probably worried about you,worried about the dc and worried about his job(which you all need in this climate).This is probably why he sounds unsupportive-he just doesn't know what to do.To be honest his e-mail was v positive imvho-many,many men wouldn't be so caring and apologetic.

We all say and do things we don't mean when having a shit time.

Could he use up some holiday and take a day off a week for a while say a Wednesday to break the week up?This week he could go to the doctor with you.Could you get a grandparent up for a while.Putting up with an inlaw may be worth doing if you can get some time to concentrate on you.

I think his reply's lovely and am really pleased you sent the email :) It takes more than words, of course, you need to discuss this together. I hope Mumsnet can help you figure out a reasonable way to get the emotional space for a good old mutual listening.

How do you feel about things?

Just text him back and ask him to make an emergency appointment at the doctors and ask him to come with you.

He's right. He can't offer you the emotional support you need. He can help you get it from the doctor though.

He sounds very lovely and very supportive. You really need to get some help sorted so you can get on with enjoying life, and being a good mum to your kids.

Did you manage to make any appointments? Do you want help?

OP, your DH's reply sounds very positive, it sounds like you're both admitting you're struggling and are trying to reach out and help each other (though maybe not always succeeding) That definitely gives you something to work with.

But... why haven't you replied to any of the people asking if you called your GP or went to the Children's Centre? Please do that. It sounds like you could really do with some outside help and they would be best placed to offer you that.

OP, where in Newcastle are you? I only ask because my mam works for sure start, she's a community-not-quite-a-midwife.

I may be biased but she's brilliant. If you want me to give her your name, I'm sure she could pop round and give you some advice on what help you can get.

PM if you like. x

How are you today?