To be disgusted by the criteria for free childcare for 2 year olds

[LowToleranceMamma]

So because I'm not 'poor' enough, I'm not entitled to childcare for my 2 year old, even though I am really struggling with PND and a baby. We can't afford to pay for it.

When you talk to your dd do you get down to her level? I find that can work well - you can make direct eye contact and then use a quiet but deadly serious voice if bad behaviour and obviously lots of praise if good.

This won't work with your son. Here's too young to manage his own behaviour so with him you need to stick it out.

Oh bless, you are bloody burnt out. My DC's are similar, but older and worse. I'm often ranting on the phone to my mum when I've had onslaught after onslaught from them, it never stops. I know how you feel!

Good luck with yur GP, I hope they can get you some counselling / help / anything to support you.

Low but re the formula I got told that too.My hv said if you don't give him formula now he'll need to be admitted to SCBU.

A year later my very lax midwife didn't say the same and dd was admitted to SCBU.

Basically I don't think she was picking on you or bullying you but trying to do what she thought was right and has probably said the same to many others,maybe needlessly which is a whole other thread.

Sometimes it's more a case of waiting for them to grow out of it than strategies. Or that's what it seemed like with my DD, anyway. I don't think I was doing anything wrong because DS was very chilled and well behaved. You don't seem like you are doing anything wrong, they are all textbook strategies.

We all lose it and shout sometimes - I don't care what the alpha-mummies say, I don't believe them.

Or me frothy.

Got to feed dp now,let us know how you get on op.

I shout! I will hold my hands up and say 'I shout'. I am still a good-enough parent.

LowToleranceMamma I nearly exactly that when DS was about 10/11 months but I was settling eldest down for a nap which took much longer than expected. When I back in to find him hanging on with his finger tips having been screaming for a while .

He was fine - settled with a feed - I phoned DH in tears and he calmed me down then come home later with chocolate and made sure I got a bit more sleep. DS is now a happy doing well at school 5 year old and it?s only me that remembers any of that.

The issue for me though wasn't pnd but exhaustion. My eldest would trantrum for hours - over 2 hours some days but not when out - hence that giving me sanity. Clearly that isn't the case for you - I don't know they -do trantrum less as they get older but that doesn't help now.

If you can get better it will seem more copable.

"Positive attention. Lots of praise the moment they do something that isnt screaming or tantruming."

I do that. I lavish her with attention when she's stopped her tantrum but then it only takes 5 minutes for another tantrum to start.

And yes, I get down to her level and have eye contact, firm voice but dont shout.

"re the formula I got told that too.My hv said if you don't give him formula now he'll need to be admitted to SCBU."

she said, "top up with formula or i will have to refer you to a pediatrician"

I chose the ped option :)

Re: shouting. I normally shout, but today i managed not to succumb and i am proud of that because shouting just adds to my guilt.

so now the kids and DH are back and apparent DD was hell while they were out. im relieved she doesnt reserve it just for me.

why is she doing this??

We all lose it and shout sometimes - I don't care what the alpha-mummies say, I don't believe them

Ha - I see one of these mothers who claim that they never shout out and about all I can say is either she has a defective memory or we have very different idea about what constitutes 'shouting'.

Though I keep that view to myself.

"My eldest would trantrum for hours - over 2 hours some days but not when out "

thats what my DD did today - whilst out. i was shocked she could go for that long. people were looking at me pittyfully.

I was told to top up with formula twice by two different HV's. The first time I did and my DD still didn't gain much weight. The second I ignored the advice and BF'ed my son until he was 2. Both kids are healthy. Both sets of HV's were wrong.

I must say, though, both babies were not screaming with hunger and seemed happy otherwise. I knew instinctively they just didn't want to eat much - and was right. Bloody HV's.

Op what dosage anti ds are you on, if you don't mind me asking. Lots of doctors tend to start you on a very low dose, which often needs increasing.

so now the kids and DH are back and apparent DD was hell while they were out. im relieved she doesnt reserve it just for me.

why is she doing this??

Because she is two.

Definitely see a doctor asap. How about looking for part time work? Might help you feel better in yourself & may help you to enjoy your children more. As others have said, kids are hard work at times but there will be plenty of special times. I am sure that if someone else was in your house recoding the tantrums they would not last as long as you think they do. It's not called the terrible twos for nothing!!!

I have the worlds most disagreeable toddler. He won't go to bed right now so I said ok and sat back down to drink my tea. Now he is crying because I'm not taking him to bed. Don't get me started on what happens when we take him out, he is worse when we are out and far worse when both dh and I are home which leads to a lovely calm home environment

But the reason for this behaviour is that he is two, same as your dd.

She's doing it because she's two and that's what they do

My family used to comment that it wasn't normal - but she'd keep going that long till she calmed herself down - nothing we did shortened it. I think they thought we were doing something wrong as the DC have aged they?ve backed off and let us get on with it much more. All the DC have a very strong suborn streak - younger two could be distracted sometimes though not her.

She also started very early around 1 and went on longer than other DCs . Towards 3 she did throw a few tantrums when out - as people did comment they'd seen us carrying her very uncomfortably home. We used to put her somewhere safe and wait it out and eat chocolate or get back and put her somewhere safe.

There has got to be an element of personality in that - she currently at 7 is throwing the occasional teenage type tantrum. Generally she is happy, apparently a delight to teach, and very well behaved DC - she is 'highly strung' in that she is a worrier that the only ?issue? with her personality.

There is a developmental reason they tantrum between 2-3 ? they have to gain independence while still needing reassurance I seem to remember reading.

"I must say, though, both babies were not screaming with hunger and seemed happy otherwise. I knew instinctively they just didn't want to eat much - and was right"

Same here. DD was gaining weight, just not as fast as HV wanted.

Moomin 50mg

FrothyOM - but what does she want from me? I feel I have nothing left to give.

RedHelen - I know this sounds stupid, but I was thinkling about becoming a bar maid. I'm a sociable person and would get to meet people each day without the work being too taxing. Am I deluding myself?

Dp getting us fish & chips( to cheer me up after my walk frogmarch of shame from school).

Yes that is what 2 year olds do and she has a new brother taking up a lot of your time.Some of it you have to endure but a lot you're doing exactly right(better than I did to be frank at times).

I found ignoring,diverting,praising,constantly talking to here so she thinks she's got your attention(even though you're dealing with the baby),praising her to dp in her earshot,giving choices which still make her do what you want(not putting shoes on-which shoes do you want,I love your boots...),giving her some quality time totally alone even if only half an hour a day,sticker chart,don't let her get bored(she may be quite bright),rotate her toys.....

Toddler Taming(the book) is good!!!!

Low I am sorry things are so shit for you at the moment. You can ask your GP to give you another HV as you feel your patient relationship has broken down and you don't feel comfortable with her. Just that - you don't need to go into the ins and outs - just say that you didn't feel you could ask her for advice and would prefer someone else.

Is your DH able to take your children for half a day? Try and do something totally you based - get a haircut or sit in a coffeeshop with earphones in and phone off.

For what it's worth, I am a terrible SAHM. It just doesn't suit me, I can't think of things to do with DS and I get nothing done and then feel miserable. My DH is annoyingly good at it and for a while it made me feel like a shit mom. Then I went back to work and I actually started to really enjoy the time I had with my DS rather than foisting him on DH as soon as he stepped through the door. IMO childcare isn't the end of the world and my DS has a great time whilst there and now has a lot more fun with me.

That's what 2 year olds do. My dd had almighty tantrums about nothing. Outside Beamish once, I sat on the grass for an hour while she had a meltdown, everyone stared but lots of them were parents thinking 'been there, done that'.

Oh my DS threw the mother of all screaming ab dabs in sainsburys. Nothing I could do would make him stop and I had to get all the shopping still. Some kind woman stopped, threw a couple of funny faces at him and he gurgled with laughter. I could have cried - in 30 seconds, she had calmed him down (I was really thankful because the looks from people were really getting to me). I now realise that he was probably picking up on my irritation and anxiety.

She doesn't want anything from you, she doesn't know what she wants, she can't control anything yet physically or with words and her emotions are scary. Hence the tantrum.