To be disgusted by the criteria for free childcare for 2 year olds

[LowToleranceMamma]

So because I'm not 'poor' enough, I'm not entitled to childcare for my 2 year old, even though I am really struggling with PND and a baby. We can't afford to pay for it.

You need to ask for help, tomorrow from your GP, Children's Centre, Health Visitor, whoever you feel you can tell. Maybe Children's Services will get involved, this might be the best way to get the help you need and get your DH to recognise his responsibilities to you and his children. Have you told him you are scared you may snap?

"He needs to realise you are a team and need to work together."

Here's his point of view:

He works all day.

Then comes home and has to take over because I 'cant cope'.

So effectively, he works a longer shift than me, so I have no right to 'moan'.

How can I argue with that? Factually, it is true. What can I say or do? :( He's got a point. I am weak and I can't cope. Weaker than most people. Incompetent. How can I expect him to work longer hours than me?

"Maybe Children's Services will get involved"

Can you explain what that means please?

I really feel for you. If you are having thoughts like this I think you need to ring someone- doctor, childrens centre- and ask for emergency support.

So basically he is doing what a husband of someone who is obviously struggling should do but in the process of doing so is trying to make you feel like a failure. No he hasn't got a point.

He needs to be supporting you not making things harder.

Its not about who works longer hours or works the hardest or anything else it is about helping you feel better and then allowing things to improve for the whole family.

Here's the bottom line:

1. I can't cope all day on my own with these kids.

1. DH works all day so can't help.

What can I do?

"Its not about who works longer hours or works the hardest or anything else it is about helping you feel better and then allowing things to improve for the whole family."

He's miserable at his job too. He says its harder than mine. So this makes me look very unreasonable.

Even if I am being unreasonable, the bottom line is that I can't cope.

If you say you are scared you will snap and that you think they would be better off being adopted it may be that they will be concerned that situation is serious enough to need a higher level of support. A referral to Children's Services allows this higher level of support. This is not the catastrophe you might think it is, Social Workers aren't there to take away children and in about 95% of cases they don't, they provide support to children and families under huge stress, which you seem to be saying is how you feel. You sound really desperate, and you need to be prepared to ask for support and accept the support offered for yourself and your children.

If you can recognise that you may snap then that is good. Put the children in their cots/a safe room, close the door and go and calm down. Or go out/pretend you are being filmed for tv so you become more aware of your actions. Toddlers are the most frustrating thing in the world anyone who has one will understand that.

You can guarantee that ds will tantrum at least once per hour, unless he's asleep! It is so bad that I have to be very careful about the places we take him because it's so embarrassing. I mainly take him for walks in the woods or the park because then at least the sound isn't concentrated!

I have never managed to walk around a supermarket with him without a huge screaming fit (usually lasting the entire shopping trip) in his entire 2.3 years, he won't sit down or sit still, he doesn't share, he doesn't wait for anything. I've never been a parent before, I don't know if this is because of something I have done or if it's just the way he is and he will grow out if it (I'm sure he will, the question is when ).

Do you manage to get any one on one time with your dd and ds separately? That may help with them rubbing each other up the wrong way. Also, is she old enough to help with certain things? (my ds likes helping and it's an effective way of getting him involved and distracting him), so things like helping put the washing in the machine, helping choose the baby's clothes - just little things that make her feel more grown up so she may start to feel less like the baby is infringing on her territory.

It will get better and I can assure you that your dc will never think of you as a bad mother!

firstly phone your GP in the morning to get an emergency appointment, don't take no for an answer.

Have you found the details of your local childrens centre? Contact them in the morning and see what support they can offer.

I know you said you can't afford it but is there any way belts can be tightened in other areas so you can look into a child minder for a day or so a week? When is the 2 year old 3?

You are right, that is the bottom line and you and the children are far more important than any job.

What everyone has been telling you to do for the entire thread: call your gp or go to your nearest sure start centre tomorrow morning and tell them exactly how you feel. Ask for help from people who can give it.

In the meantime, bath, hot chocolate, bed. Try go get some rest.

Can you go and stay with your mum/other family for a little bit? Can you enlist a friend to help? Could you possibly afford a small amount of paid help? A mothers help eg?
You need help and support and please don't be afraid to ask for it.

This was me 3 years ago. It was so hard for me when dd and ds were the age of your 2. And I used to have a high stress job that I coped with fine but 2 kids pushed me over the edge. Dh was same as yours too thinks it was so easy being home with the kids.

You need to plan something for a break to look forward to- what about the weekend can you have 2 hours go for a coffee? Take a book?

I went to baby groups and would be honest and say to other mums I struggled! My ds was a tantruming nightmare- all the time I was always carrying him out of shops while trying to push a pram, it's horrible.

I think the idea of a bar job is a great one.

I know where the local children's centre is. I've attended baby groups there. What support could they offer and will they contact my HV without my consent?

The 2 year old turns 3 in July.

And as for the situation with your dh, maybe a big talk about what steps need to be taken to get you some support and maybe look into how he can be happier at work and therefore happier at home?

Do you have any friends you can share this with to help ease the burden? Could you go and stay with family for a little while (or send the children to stay with family for a weekend to give both you and dh a break?)

I forgot my ds was so wild he was asked not to come back to tumble tots. Please do anything to get through this bit because it does get better. Even if its lots of peppa pigand pushing round in a buggy.

My dh is abroad now so I'm on my own and take both of them on a plane most months- 3 years ago I couldn't even leave the house.

No they shouldn't contact your health visitor without consent but I don't think that should be your focus now. You need support, don't let the idea that someone might talk to your HV put you off accessing it, I think you are allowing the HV far too much influence. What's the worst that can happen if your health visitor is aware?

Hello there LTM
Sorry to read this - please let me know if you would like us to move this thread out of AIBU

when does it get better?

HV will probably get the kids taken off me before I have a chance to properly think it through.

Personally I think you should possibly ring NHS direct tonight, rather than wait til the morning, if you are that worried that you are going to snap/want to leave them to be adopted.

I will say though, your DH is being one hell of a twat. My DH works shifts, comes home and takes over because I have depression, and he even cleaned through the whole house this morning, despite being on nights tonight, because I've been in such pain with my arthritis. My DSs are 6m and 2.1.

Oh and in Wales, nursery places for 2yo's are given for the area you live in, not your income/anything else :) move here?

Why are you so concerned about the hv? What's the worst she could do? Take your kids away? I doubt it. It's not her call. And anyway, you say the alternative is that you could ask for them to be adopted anyway.

Please, stop worrying about what she or anyone else thinks and ask for help

He should get a badge for that iloveeverton tumbletots was the only place that would accept my ds, though they were always very laid back whenever he pushed an only just walking baby out of his way or threw things at people.

There was an incident with a baby ballet class that I am trying to erase from my memory. Bull in a china shop is an accurate description of the events of that day .

No she won't, she does not have that power. Only a court can take your children off you without your consent and a lot of evidence is needed to do that. Your children aren't going to be taken away because you need some help, lots of parents need help. Taking children away is a last resort and a health visitor has no power to do it and never will.