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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DDs friends to sleep over?

189 replies

ChristmasKate · 03/11/2012 11:12

DD is 10 and the eldest of 3, she went to her friends house for a sleep over last night and called before shoe came home to ask if her friend could sleep over tonight and I said no.

DD is sulking and friends mum looked a bit miffed when she dropped DD home.

I can't decide if I'm bu or not, I just like my evenings to myself!

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 09:44

Escape

That does occur to me, too. I think I impose rules where friends might let things go. I don't think I'm seen as a cow but there does seem to be some anxiety on here, which I can't help picking up on, about whether I'm seen as uncool.

wordfactory · 04/11/2012 09:49

That's true but it's no replacement for actually staying over I think.
My DC are always gobsmacked/fascinated/in love with how other families roll.
There's the family that prays before each meal. The family who bicker continually and stay up to 1am. The family with seven kids who let them all camp in the garden Grin.

We've just had a foreign exchange student staying here for almost a week and it was such an eye opener to her to see how we lived. My DC can't wait to go to her home and I'm sure they'll learn a lot.

seeker · 04/11/2012 09:53

We have two different kinds of sleepovers here- a birthday one where all bets are off, they have the living room and can do more or less whatever they want and I grit my teeth about the noise and mess, and a normal "friend over" type, where either the friend just becomes an extra family member and fits in (usually younger) or the host child and friend just retreats to the bedroom and stays there and host child is responsible for feeding and sorting out and entertaining(usually older). In both cases, I have no hesitation in telling them to turn the music down a bit or whatever.

slartybartfast · 04/11/2012 09:56

I DOnt see why the friend's mum shoudl look Miffed as you say op. you dont have to reciprocate. fair enough in time you could but only when it suits you. i dont have them if i have to work the next day for example, it might just not be convenient. or you might have a day planned and your children will be too tired to enjoy the day.

wordfactory · 04/11/2012 09:56

Same here seeker.

There's sleep over standard. Usual rules apply though may be relaxed. But as DH has to get up at 6am there can be no noise after 10.30pm whatever happens.

And there's sleep over deluxe. House full. Take away pizzas. Tents in garden etc.

dysfunctionalme · 04/11/2012 10:00

I have a sleepover dilemma. My dd is invited to one particular friend's recently and there is talk of sleeping in a tent in the front garden. The girls are 10.

I am not comfortable with this. Even the back garden would be preferable, but I feel they are too vulnerable out in the garden by the street.

WWYD?

and OP I reckon just make a sleepover night for another time. I would never allow back to back sleepovers either. How about next weekend instead?

slartybartfast · 04/11/2012 10:01

brr to sleeping in a tent in the garden in november, assumnig you are in UK it would be very cold and probably wet.

slartybartfast · 04/11/2012 10:01

and too young at 10

seeker · 04/11/2012 10:02

Word factory- maybe we need different words? I don't think- and I've never thought of this before, that I ever use "sleepover" unless it's the full on "de luxe" version. The other type is "oh, can Grace stay tonight?" "yes of course she can" or "would George like to stay and watch Dr Who and stay over?"

Different expectations.

seeker · 04/11/2012 10:04

And the tent dilemma. I would agree- they'll be hammering on the door of the house by 10.00 and end up in the living room!

freddiefrog · 04/11/2012 10:08

We've had a couple of birthday sleepovers with 7 or 8 kids.

I just gave them the living room with loads of duvets, blow up beds and DVDs. They made a mess and I don't think a whole lot of sleeping went on, but I buggered off upstairs with a bottle of wine so I couldn't hear them and they didn't disturb any of the rest of us. The mess took about 10 minutes to tidy up, it looked worse than it was because of all the bedding everywhere

As for camping in the front garden in November? That would be a no here. They camp in the back garden in the summer, but it's cold, blowing a hooley and damp here at the moment

dysfunctionalme · 04/11/2012 10:13

Should have said, am in NZ so warm now. It's not the weather I'm worried about, it's the prospect of an axe murderer creeping into the tent

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 10:15

Will probably never host the deluxe version, but then have never been asked

Happy to do the bog-standard Smile

didoreth · 04/11/2012 10:16

Yanbu, if you don't want to host sleepovers don't do it. But please don't stop your daughter accepting invitations.
My dd was an only child and our house was always full of her friends - I always encouraged playdates and sleepovers because it made life easier for me (and made dd happy), not in the hope of reciprocation.

lollilou · 04/11/2012 10:18

Yes we have a similar sleepovers as you Seeker
We, or should I say I as dh is still asleep, have 2 extra from a sleepover last night. It was fun and we took them to a firework party in a mates back garden cue lots of "boys stand back!" and "girls be careful with those sparklers!"Smile
They have so much fun and I think it strengthens friendships too.
Mind you the birthday ones are a little more erm boisterous! My dh takes himself and the other one off to Pils for the night!
Wouldn't do back to back ones though as they are usually just too tired.

slartybartfast · 04/11/2012 10:19

oh dysfunctional. re 10 year olds in a tent in front garden. i wouldnt. but i am not sure if i would in back garden either, perhaps you shoudl start a thread about it to get more opinions/trffic?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/11/2012 10:23

This question of reciprocity is interesting. I invite children because I want to, my child wants to and it's convenient on a particular day. I'd hate to think some people don't accept because they can't/won't reciprocate. I completely understand some people have small children, their house is in turmoil, they are knackered, whatever.

In return, I'd hope they would understand if I can't/won't host

dysfunctionalme · 04/11/2012 10:28

slarty thanks

Abra1d · 04/11/2012 10:31

We have had sleepovers for boys and girls since the children were about six. There are clear but reasonable rules in our house and we seldom have problems. Our children's friends' parents are sensible and generally share our views on what goes, or are able to tell their children that when they are away from home, they do as the hosts say.

Yes, it can be a lot of work and they do get tired, but occasional sleepovers are useful socialising exercises for both host child and guest.

ChasingSquirrels · 04/11/2012 10:34

If you don't want them, say no.
If you don't reciprocate in other ways people may start to feel taken advantage of and your children may lose out - but that doesn't seem to be what you are saying to me, you do do other things, you just don't like that one.

seeker · 04/11/2012 10:39

I think the reciprocation thing is sad. I don't have younger children, work very flexibly and have a car. So I am happy to have friends round, do more than my "share" of club pick up and so on. I would hate it if another child's mother with a baby, a very demanding job and whatever other stresses inn her life was keeping count of the number of times her child came round and felt she had to reciprocate. Or, worse, thought I was keeping count......

irishchic · 04/11/2012 10:43

We dont do sleepovers in this house, never have and never will. My 5dc's (between ages of 4 to 12) accept this and it has never affected their social lives. They dont go to other houses for sleepovers either obviously. I dont think that parents have to do everything that their kids want to do, my dc do pretty much everything else that their friends do, so lack of sleepovers hasnt affected their lives in any drastic way.

ChasingSquirrels · 04/11/2012 10:43

You may feel like that seeker, and so may others - but others again may feel aggrieved if there appears to be all take and no give - whether there are extenuating circumstances or not (or there are but they aren't known).

So given that some people may feel like that (and to an extent isn't that human nature - don't we all want some give and take with our friendships?), it is best to be aware of it.

seeker · 04/11/2012 10:47

Chasing squirrels- maybe it's one of the compensations of being old- I just don't see the point of keeping a tally sheet. I have a car and no baby. So it makes sense for me to do the Scout run. It would just be silly for me to expect reciprocation.

nokidshere · 04/11/2012 10:48

We do sleepovers farily regularly. Some friends can't or don't want to reciprocate and thats fine by me - I quite like having them here anyway. But I am still in charge, they go to bed when I say and follow the house rules where necessary.

In the holidays I am more relaxed with bedtimes and stuff. But I would not do a back to back sleepover if it were on a term time weekend or if it was inconvenient for me to do so.

Once or twice it has even worked out that both my boys have been on sleepovers on the same night and we have had a very rare night child free - thats definitly worth reciprocating for Grin