To not want DDs friends to sleep over?

[ChristmasKate]

DD is 10 and the eldest of 3, she went to her friends house for a sleep over last night and called before shoe came home to ask if her friend could sleep over tonight and I said no.

DD is sulking and friends mum looked a bit miffed when she dropped DD home.

I can't decide if I'm bu or not, I just like my evenings to myself!

Sleepovers aren't a big part of childhood for everyone.

If you dont want them to have friends to stay with you then you mustnt allow them to stay with friends.

Or, you reciprocate.

Its no ones idea of fun, but you cant take and not give back. We dont have anyone to stay here as we simply dont have the room, and the DC understand that because of that they dont go on sleepovers anywhere else.

I think that saying "sleepovers are a big part of childhood" is going a bit far though

I really thought people who did a lot of them liked them.

I think the light is dawning that I am a bit of a cow

piglet - my two both have autism and my youngest has got friends. Actual friends. Not the 'kind' people my eldest has who tolerate him and are 'nice' to him (like you're nice to the class hamster but that's a whole other rant! ) but people who love him for him. The little boy is the one who slept over last night.

They had a fabulous time.

Even when my youngest yelled at him and we had to give him some alone time cos he was overwhelmed, this friend was fine. He accepts my son (both of them) and isn't bothered at all by their 'strangeness', as some children are. He just plays with them or alongside them, whichever they need. He also used the computer all by himself when they needed him to leave them alone!

So although I don't want to spout the trite stuff that drives us all bonkers , I do know that it is possible.

A few years ago, they didn't even appear to notice that other children existed - and my youngest would literally (and I DO mean literally) walk over children seated on the floor at, for example, circle time - and they couldn't tolerate any interference with their play and they wouldn't respond to another child's attempt to speak to them.

I know that every child is different, and I hope this makes you feel better and not worse, but I just wanted to say that I know how painful it is and offer just one example of how it is possible for things to change, in time.

Nope, my heart sinks a bit when ds asks but do it anyway. Tbh it's easy when they are 10 as they can be banished to their room.

Every time I read threads like this I think "thank god my parents were rational and kind people and thank god my friends parents were normal too"

I slept over at friends houses with little notice. Friends slept round at mine with little notice. Having one extra child isn't a big deal.

whois is

Blimey. I consider myself told

I quite often wake up in the morning and discover I have an extra child in the house! That's how commonplace sleepovers are here.
Youngest dd (7) has only had 2 sleepovers but I know it will end up the same so I'm stalling a little with her.

Yeah if you make them commonplace it does tend to be a lot easier as the kids get used to your rules and are generally a lot less excited. I am really stroppy and strict especially about what time lights go out, yet still they come

I have DDs friends here at least every other weekend, I dont mind although they do tend to out stay longer than I would like and eat all my food

It is a big part of her social life and I just accept it and as someone said earlier I will have quiet nights all the time before I know it

Yes my oldest dd is nearly 13. It's commonplace for her and her best friend to sleepover at each others houses. I've been into the room more often than not and found them silently reading books! They are generally quiet and go to bed at a reasonable time.

Since when have sleepovers been part of childhood? I'm 46 and they didn't happen among my group of friends.
Personally I hate sleepovers because the kids never sleep and are as grotty and bad tempered as hell the next day. Suffered them with DD1 aged 14 but not with DD2 who is 10. I've made it clear that she is not having sleepovers and she will not be going to them either.

YANBU to say no especially as it would have been back to back. But YABU to accept an invitation and not reciprocate.

YAB a bit miserable. Sleepovers are good fun and your DD prabably wants to play host to her mates in her own house not just at theirs. Surely you have lots of evenings to yourself. Even if you had one a week (which would be a bit excessive granted) you would still have six evenings to yourself. Let her have one and see how it goes.

Yes but the thing is it deepens what 'having a sleepover entails'.

A good friend of mine has some dcs for a sleep over on a 'regular' ish basis.
It means dcs not going to bed until 11.00pm or later (as, according to her DH, if she isn't letting them do so, she is mean).
It means an evening of noise, mess, her younger dc obvioulsy can't sleep either (because of the nose). And constantly having to answer various requests, most of the time all more unreasonable than the other 'because she has a friend over so normal rules don't apply'.

Then you have threads on here about 11yo not talking to a dc 'because sleepover was boring'.

For me, these sleepover are just opportunities for the dcs not to follow the 'normal rules' in the house (but in some ways expecting the other dcs to so??)

When I was young, there was quite a few 'unorganised' sleepover. The ones that are decided on the drop of the hat.
But anyone who was staying was following the rules of the house. It wasn't an opportunity to 'get your hair down' and annoy everyone in the process.
And it was working.
But that wasn't the type of sleepover people are talking about on here (the ones that no one loves, the ones that annoys everyone except the child, the ones that most parents would prefer to avoid altogether).

Wow fortifiedwithtea, you won't let your younger child go to or have a sleep over IN CASE she is tired and bad tempered the next day???

Over reaction or what.

A one child sleep over shouldn't result in no sleep. The birthday type sleepovers with 6 kids will be mental and they won't sleep but you precious little one won't come to any long term harm.

Massively massively selfish on your part.

oh yes and I forgot dealing with the very grumpy dcs the day after as no one has slept enough (of course, they have both woken up at 6.30am the day after...) which means dealing with fights etc.. between the two 'friends'.

Perhaps it's easier to do when they are older (I can't remember doing sleepover until I was 12~13yo). A different story to having 2 8yo

whois I think again it depends on the child don't you think?

My youngest dc would NOT have coped with being more tired. And why is it OK for one dc to stop the other from sleeping? If sleepover means no one can sleep until 11.00pm, and then everyone is tired, then I am struggling to see why the need of one individual should go over the needs of another (or several others such siblings, parents etc..)

We have quite a few sleep overs here and the children (and I) find it quite hard when so few friends reciprocate. Personally I'd rather not have extra children around, but put up with it for the boys sake.

I know it's not always physically possible, but some families do just seem to take the piss. DS3's best friend is often here - his mum is more than happy for him to come here, but wont have anyone back.

When the dc were that age I only allowed sleep overs during holidays or on birthdays.

You know they aren't going to get any sleep, so if they're on holiday it doesn't matter and they'll have plenty of time to recover.

Dd is 18 now and is having 2 friends for a sleepover tonight. They're having an Indian takeaway and watching X factor. I'm looking forward to having them here.

Free babysitting for her isn't it GreenShadow, and all night too!

She's knocking back the cava and dancing on the tables (possibly) whilst you're minding her offspring. Cheeky madam.

I am wary of sleepovers but my ds only 7. He has had one friend who does not live near us sleep over as a treat. Both knackered next day.
He and his 3 year old brother share a small room though so sleepovers very disruptive for youngest.
Much easier for those with big [uncluttered] houses.
Yanbu to say no to back to back sleep overs... nightmarish...

Quite right Squoosh.
I do feel a mug sometimes, but we do have the space and the children enjoy it, so don't have the heart to stop them - just make sure it's not too often.

Same as Quick - a sleepover was an occasional thing in this house when mine were that age. There's no way in the world they'd be allowed 2, two nights in a row - they'd be shattered.
I'm going to disagree with the MN wisdom of never allowing your child to go somewhere unless you are going to host the same though - some people choose to invite the whol class to a party. Some people choose to have 6 friends stay over to sleep. Others of us have more sense choose to have a smaller 'do' for a birthday, and have one or two friends stay at a time. Also, I've known plenty of children over the years whose parents like having someone round as it gives their child someone to play with. When you've got 3 or 4 or more dc of your own to keep up with / take places / etc., you don't have the same need to have other children to entertain yours.
When one of mine is going to be here without siblings, I find it MUCH easier if they have a friend to play, as they get on with each other and you don't see them, so can understand that sometimes other parents want to borrow one of my dc, and I'm not going to stop them going, just because I'm not going to be able to invite them back withi a week or two.

I agree BackForGood